farewell for now (long)

[whoisthedrizzle]

Today was one of those days where everything feels so distant, the sun, the moon, the 6 o’clock news, nothing seems close to me - and I’m not any closer to it. I got up, it rained, I ate lunch, it rained, and then I started to write in my journal while it rained. Yes I’m writing a journal now which makes me happy but not because I’m writing a journal only because I want to write it. Sometimes though I think I don’t even want to write it but these things in my brain seem to disagree and it’s hard to argue with things in your brain.

When I first started posting here I was a whiny suburban kid who was going nowhere fast. For a normal person, maybe they could have become hardened and stopped being a whiny ^$%^? like me, but I failed to do so. Probably because of my ADD, my bipolar disorder, my insomnia, my desperate pleas for attention but maybe its really just part of my nature- a born loser.

Maybe I’m hopeless, maybe I’m destined to be like so many of the people who come and go on the streets while I sip my coffee and watch them walk past. Just biding my time until that one day when everything will change – but it never changes because nothing ever changes. Life is funny that way, not a haha kind of funny but still a kind of funny that’s sad in it’s own way but once you realize it you get a kind of peace that makes you think that you can live with it, it’s not so bad as long as you can have the few things that make life ok – a cold root beer, a vanilla ice cream, a nice long walk along the beach at midnight. And then of course a girl. But you can never have the one you want because if you had her you wouldn’t want her. But you still can’t help from wanting, and that’s the tough part.

So I guess I am at a crossroads, as usual, alone and it’s not exactly dark but it’s not sunny either. I’m here and I’m wondering which way do I go – right or left – and does it even matter or will anyone else even care. And of course they won’t. But that doesn’t make the actual act of choosing any less important – at least not to me – and I guess that’s the part that really matters. And now I will say farewell, my friends, I move on to things that are neither bigger or better – mostly the same – but I’m moving – which is the important part and so maybe our paths will cross again or maybe they won’t so all I can say for sure is farewell for now.