Beat: My Life

[oddjob]

wow, lurker i, along with everyone else here, have no clue what you are going through. the only thing i can offer is my own experience with this. i don't know if i've shared this with anyone, or if it will help in anyway.

i'm currently 33. i've been very depressed lately. occasionally the thought of suicide enters my mind, but i know i won't do it. mostly from my previous experience with this.

when i was 25, there was a year, probably longer, where a day didn't go by when i didn't think about ending my life. although i'm not close to my family, i had many many good friends, that i still i felt i couldn't talk to.

they wouldn't understand, i don't want to burden them with this, they'll just feed me a bunch of [censored] i know isn't true, yada yada yada. you may know what i'm talking about.

the way i can explain this feeling was, and it may sounds stupid or cheesy, but whatever,

i felt like i was swimming in a big ocean in the middle of nowhere. i felt like everyone was. and some people are better swimmers then others. and some people, such as myself struggled to just tread water. so while my friends were all swimming away from where i was, they were such good swimmers, and getting so far away, that they couldn't see that i was struggling. they'd look back, wave, and call for me to catch up, but couldn't really see me anymore.

so life just felt like i was barely keeping my head above water, and i didn't think i could keep just treading water forever, that eventually i would get too tired and just drown in the future, or i could just stop paddling, and drown then. see to me, it wasn't even "suicide". it was just me stop paddling.

i do know, the last thing i was looking for was sympathy. i was looking for empathy. i coudln't imagine anyone i knew, who could possibly understand what i was feeling. i just imagine them saying, [censored] to boost my ego for that moment, then forget about me again.

well, i knew i needed help, cause i really did want to see how this life thing turned out. it was like a bad movie i was teetering one staying and watching out, or walking out.

i found some online suicide help thing, which i can't remember the name of at all. it wasn't some chat room. you sent an anonymous email. then they would reply. it was usually just a once a day reply, which i thought was weird at the time, but looking back, i think it helps. it makes you take that 1 day to think about the stuff you're dealing with, and the stuff you are reading from them.

it was just nice to have this anonymous ear, to listen to my [censored] that was going on, without them passing judgement, or offering some sort of stupid, but you're a great guy, kinda thing. cause they didn't know you (it was a new person ever day) and you knew it.

i did this for a while, and there wasn't some moment of epiphany, where i was completely better, but after a while, i just started feeling a bit better, day by day. i really think that helped.

Lurker, i really hope you figure out what's going on. i hope you feel better, and please get help. there's no timelines, so please try everything that's available to you.

p.s. i just googled, and i'm pretty sure this is what i used:

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/