the musings of an addict

[yasher]

cliffs notes at the bottom, folks

it all began quite mundanely. i think the first things that really engrossed me were MUDs. remember those? text-based multiplayer games based off D&D, to put it simply. good times. i was 13 or 14, i didn't socialize very well, i was very intelligent, and MUDs were entertaining.

this is a story about addiction, and that's where it starts. it'll take all the fun twists and turns, through cocaine and crystal meth, to sex, relationships, etc. but it starts at MUDs.

in most cases, its not been about identifying an addiction and actively fighting it; the actual object of the addiction is of less importance than the addiction itself. lately its been marijuana, or civ4, or sex. it kinda runs in blocks. my coke and meth blocks were relatively short, compared to other people's, but they had a profound impact on my life.

relationships are also a pretty big factor in this whole scheme of things. i tend to get tied down because i tend to obsess. i'm attractive, i'm good with women, and yet i still end up desparetly seeking relationships. im not sure if its for validation purposes, or because i like to direct huge amounts of energy at ONE thing at a time, or what, but this happens, and i throw myself full force at some chick, and by the time i tire out, she's hooked, we're together, and i'm in a relationship for awhile. bleh.

i'm almost 22 years old, and i've been "in love" a couple times. i've said it - and meant it - to three seperate girls. i've said it to others, because they wanted to hear it... and i didn't feel good about it. those loves were periods of insanely intense emotion, followed by a drop-off that was pretty sharp. this "love" isnt always short, either... one relationship lasted 1.5 years. the others were like 3 and 5 months. i said it first all 3 times.

i've had serious fights with cocaine and crystal meth, when i was nineteen years old. i went from one to another, and then finally snapped out of it when two friends of mine died, in seperate incidents. one was drug related, one wasnt. both changed my life. i woke up, i cleaned up, i moved on. the drugs had replaced the hole in my heart that love #2 left when she broke up with me. while i recovered - with the help of one trusted friend who'd seen me through all of this and kept trying to stop me the entire time - i sweated and dreamt of the drugs. but i got over it. and after i startd telling my friends and family about it, i often heard, "oh, yeah, i thought something was really wrong with you." but they never once said anything to me about it. im not blaming anybody; far from it, i take full responsiblity for my actions. but there was a chance i would have listened, and instead they just told themselves there was nothing they could do, or they ignored the signs. im sure it was obvious.

its been everquest, starcraft, anarchy online... its been cigarettes, when i was in the marines and we smoked cuz that's what you did in the marines. recently its been weed again, and now its a new girl. but i'm not gonna get wrapped up in her. smoke a few bowls and move on. but the sex is really, really good...

and so it goes.

tonight will be dirty vodka martinis, weed and good friends. maybe i'll find someone to hook up with.

and then onto the next addiction.

cliffs notes: this ended up a whole lot more rambling than i thought it would... uh: i've smoked meth, snorted coke, fallen in love 3 times, and im not sure what's next. just read it.

i apologize for the rambling nature of this post; i expected it to have more structure than it does. i'm stoned, but i've read it twice and it makes sense to me. i'd appreciate your thoughts.