Rebuilding the Cubs

[Phat Mack]

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Im a pissed off Cubs fan and I need new ownership and personnel or im gonna go crazy.

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You've put your finger on the problem: you need new ownership, but you're not going to get it. There is an alternative to going crazy, however. You can stop being a Cubs fan. This is going to sound like pure troll, but it isn't; I'm trying to give you some good advice. The Cubs represent everything that is wrong with modern America: they have a cutsey name; they play in an outmoded and decaying infra-structure; and, most importantly, they have corporate ownership that wants to make a profit, doesn't care if it wins or loses as long as it makes its short-term money, and wouldn't know a winning baseball team if one fell out of a tree and landed on them.

For decades, I used to eat breakfast in the same cafe every morning. I always sat at the counter and I always sat next to Mr. Baker. Mr. Baker was born in 1908 and had been an avid Cubs fan his entire life. He had no living memory of the Cubs being World Champs, but he never lost hope. He watched and scored all their games on WGN, and he'd sit at that counter every morning trying to dream up the one move that would propel the Cubs to greatness. Mr. Baker died in 2001, a broken man. Most people speculated that the Pall Malls killed Mr. Baker, but they didn't---it was the Chicago Cubs.

Don't become another Mr. Baker. Say to yourself, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!" Turn your life around. Go to the nearest sporting goods store. Buy one of those beautiful black hats that say SOX on the front. Hell, buy any hat you want as long as it isn't a Cubs hat. End the madness.