Infidelity

[Ser William]

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You know what else can be addicting? Spending too much time researching and analyzing your wife's infidelity rather than being an awesome father for your kids and getting on with your life.

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some people choose to kick the crap out of the wife, some choose to kill the other man, some choose to hit the bottle.......I chose to find out as much information as possible as to what the hell happened to my wife/family by doing as much reading as possible. It's part of my healing.

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And

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The children were the main reason I tried to reconcile with my wife despite her affair. The future seems really bleak for my kids.

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Multiple times in this thread you've talked about how bleak the future is for your kids. I understand why you are obsessing over why your wife did this but you really should start focusing on doing everything you can do make your kids life better going forward.

Why are the kids living with your wife and not you?

Understanding why this happened is one thing, but it really won't help you going forward. Seems to me you need to focus on the most important part of the equation right now, your kids. For starters, stop labeling them with the prognositcation of a miserable future, or you'll help make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[bisonbison]

Why oh why didn't she want to stay in our loveless marriage? Now I must smother our children and burn the dowry.

Most marriages go through both lulls and crises, but there has to be something worth carrying on. It's not the same feeling you have 2 months or 2 years in, but it's pretty clear that you guys were just housemates. She wanted to be happy, not occupied.

[Fast Food Knight]

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Exactly! The addiction is to the other person. It is the other person that makes the cheater get a high. My wife is the other person for her boss. If forced to end their relationship, they go throught the same withdrawal symptoms as with other forms of addiction.

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Yeah. But it was her very conscious decision to let herself get close enough with this guy in order to let it develop this far. This is time she could have spent with her kids or with you, both things that obviously needed more attention.

[slim]

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You know what else can be addicting? Spending too much time researching and analyzing your wife's infidelity rather than being an awesome father for your kids and getting on with your life.

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some people choose to kick the crap out of the wife, some choose to kill the other man, some choose to hit the bottle.......I chose to find out as much information as possible as to what the hell happened to my wife/family by doing as much reading as possible. It's part of my healing.

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And

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The children were the main reason I tried to reconcile with my wife despite her affair. The future seems really bleak for my kids.

[/ QUOTE ]


Multiple times in this thread you've talked about how bleak the future is for your kids. I understand why you are obsessing over why your wife did this but you really should start focusing on doing everything you can do make your kids life better going forward.

Why are the kids living with your wife and not you?

Understanding why this happened is one thing, but it really won't help you going forward. Seems to me you need to focus on the most important part of the equation right now, your kids. For starters, stop labeling them with the prognositcation of a miserable future, or you'll help make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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We have shared custody of the kids. She will have them Mon to Thursday and I have them Fri to Mon morning. No matter how good of a father I am, tell me how the future can look bright when they will be going from a stable home (loveless but stable...few fights, no financial problems) to being shuffled between 2 homes with a new "father figure" and 3 step siblings who are going to be in turmoil themselves?

[slim]

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Why oh why didn't she want to stay in our loveless marriage? Now I must smother our children and burn the dowry.

Most marriages go through both lulls and crises, but there has to be something worth carrying on. It's not the same feeling you have 2 months or 2 years in, but it's pretty clear that you guys were just housemates. She wanted to be happy, not occupied.

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yes, most if not all marriages go through lulls. But the problem here is that my wife chose the easy way out in finding comfort with someone else. She did not try to work things out with me first. That is why I was so shocked when I discovered the affair. She is misguided like most adulterers are. She thought that the feeling of love should last forever without any effort.

[LetItBe]

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(loveless but stable...few fights, no financial problems)

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This is your biggest hurdle. Loveless does NOT equal stable. Fights are normal for a marriage, money is just that-money. It means nothing to kids...love does.

[Dids]

bison : this thread :: red bean : bonds thread in sports.

Slim's posts in OOT make me think his wife has made a wise, if not terribly nice, choice.

[KotOD]

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bison : this thread :: red bean : bonds thread in sports.

Slim's posts in OOT make me think his wife has made a wise, if not terribly nice, choice.

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The emo pricks trying to defend his arguments are making it worse.

[tuq]

Dids,

RedBean is a sharp cat but his man-love for Barry Bonds is unacceptable IMO.

slim's so deep in the denial phase about some of this stuff is sad and laughable, and hopefully one day he'll be able to look at what he wrote here and have a hearty LOL about it.

Also slim, you responded to my post upthread about where the blame should lie. If you really were blameless then good for you, you have no guilt to carry forward and I hope you find a better partner in the future. I was just trying to drill down for the reasons that she was getting railed by her boss - probably on his desk, in his tenth story office overlooking the city, up against the glass, in the conference room, on the Bizhub, etc. - and thought the mirror may be one of the places to look.

[KotOD]

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Dids,

RedBean is a sharp cat but his man-love for Barry Bonds is unacceptable IMO.

slim's so deep in the denial phase about some of this stuff is sad and laughable, and hopefully one day he'll be able to look at what he wrote here and have a hearty LOL about it.

Also slim, you responded to my post upthread about where the blame should lie. If you really were blameless then good for you, you have no guilt to carry forward and I hope you find a better partner in the future. I was just trying to drill down for the reasons that she was getting railed by her boss - probably on his desk, in his tenth story office overlooking the city, up against the glass, in the conference room, on the Bizhub, etc. - and thought the mirror may be one of the places to look.

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Because she was addicted, ldo.