[BrandiRose]

I know I'm about to be publicly hanged for anything I write on here. In all honesty, I know it's even deserved. My life has been a ticking time bomb until a few months ago. I made a lot of poor decisions and used bad judgement.

I didn't know how to handle my life all the sudden being all over the internet. After Festa, any little thing I did was reported and splashed all over forums. Everything. Camera phone pics were taken of me making out with the person I was dating at the time. In Niagara Falls of all places! The fact that I took a shower during my dinner break at a WSOP event and came back wearing different clothes. It's sick really. And it can be a bit overwhelming. I did not (and still to this day) know how to handle it.

For a few months, I did go a bit crazy. I drank a lot. I got involved with the wrong people. I made poor choices. And yet the entire time, I could not escape being bad mouthed and criticized. That just exacerbated my frame of mind and all the stress I was under. Family, friends, and practically everyone who is a part of my life had to deal with it as well. They could not understand the ammount of hate I received (and continue to receive) or what exactly I had done to deserve it.

You all had wanted to see a trainwreck and that's what you got. Or to be more accurate, that's what you caused. I think it's easy for you to stare out at someone from the outside and have your opinions, to hide behind your computer screen and make judgements about someone's life. I've never understood it, but I don't hold grudges. I know that my actions and the way I conducted myself at the time brought a lot of it on myself.

Over the past year, I've grown a lot and matured. My skin has become a bit thicker. The insults don't insult me anymore. It's a funny thing that the only people who continue to insult me are people who do not even know me or have only met me once (during the time when my life was in ruins and I was an emotional wreck).

Despite what is written here, I am well liked and respected by the top people in my field. They are who I spend my time with. They are who I hang out with for drinks and attend dinners and parties with. Even Mr. Newhouse, who continually trashes me on this forum, is pleasant to me and speaks to me in person. We have exchanged brief greetings every time we have seen eachother. There has not been any heated arguments or drama. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I feel that we both knew we made mistakes and just want to let bygones be bygones. If I am wrong, Mark... instead of continuing to trash me here... let's meet up and discuss an agreement about the money. I've been open to that for some time now. You know where I'm staying. I have no problem sitting down with you or grabbing a drink and clearing things up.

I know that writing this is not going to change anyone's opinion of me. I did a lot of stupid things, which by age and experience I have since learned from. I was a goofball and being silly and had let someone take that ridiculous picture of me. I had no idea that it would be all over the internet and people would think that I am a whore or an attention whore or trashy. I never took into account how others would perceive my actions. Now I do. When I had made another poor decision involving Captain Tom, I didn't know how to handle it. I made the mistake of posting something online because I thought maybe I could get some support or advice or my money back. All that backfired. So I now keep my mouth shut about my grievances with other people and don't publicly air dirty laundry in the poker world. There's no point. If something happens in my life now, I keep it to myself or the very few around me who I can trust to advise me. Most of all, I learn from my mistakes.

You can say what you like about me. Only time will change anyone's opinions on here. I also understand that some opinions may never change. My biggest hero in life, my father, once told me something very important... He said "Be who you are and speak who you are; Because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter."

Those words keep me strong now. I've had to learn the hard way about who matters and who doesn't. I've had to face a lot of betrayals over the past year. It's enough to tear anyone down, but I'm still standing. I feel sorry for any woman my age who is a part of this industry. I've watched two others whose lives are now in ruin. Lucky for me, I've been able to come out of it all... unscathed and not jaded, but definitely more guarded.

As for poker, this is my passion. I may not be the best player in the world, but I am working on it every day. This year, you will only see more of me as I am playing a lot more tournaments. The other night I cashed 10th place (which paid the same as 9th since everyone agreed to a chop to pay 10th as well) in the Legends of Poker's 1K Omaha Hi-Lo Event. It was my first split tournament and I had played short stacked the entire event.

I now know how to play every game. I am no longer studying with anyone. And I'm excited for the months ahead.

The only thing I don't appreciate is seeing other people (who personally know me and who I am as a person) be continually berated for saying anything positive about my conduct. I also thank those of you who write nice things and thus give me the positive feelings and encouragement in an industry that for a woman can be both disheartening and depressing.

Either way, I like to wish everyone here a prosperous upcoming months and send out some good luck.

~ Brandi Hawbaker