[illguitar]

Here are the confirmed facts that have been told to me by Teddy on multiple occasons during our many hours of play.

-He is in fact a baller.

-Can confirm the former East coast rock dealer story. He told me all about it, also about how he cried in prison. He told me this the first time we ever played together. He says he has to be careful because the FBI still watches him.

-1 minute later he asked me to go back to his house, smoke pot, and play him in Madden for 200 a game. Somehow I was able to resist.

-He thinks I'm an awesome player. Everytime he tells me this I go home, analyze my game and die a little inside.

-This is a quote. "My wife looks just like Beyonce. But Hotter. Way hotter." He then preceded to tell me stories about the different girls he stakes in 2-5NL and how they "repay" him. He is adamant that he is very selective in the technique with which he receives oral sex. Most specifically, he is worried about the safety of his potential children should they touch the floor. Apparently stomachs make much safer homes. He was slightly more graphic in this description than I was. Slightly to very slightly.

-He has a couple of the Jacob watches. Different versions of a world map made out of jewels.

-He knew Phil Ivey and Joe Cassidy in Atlantic City. He swears that they were all taught to play by "the best cash game player alive." An older asian man, no real specifics when prodded. He will achieve their success when he stops being so unlucky.

-He confirmed to me that he knows Joe Cassidy and Phil Ivey by pointing out their names in his cellphone. He proceeds to call them while demanding that I lean in next to him and confirm their voices. Ivey is golfing and seems really annoyed. He repeats many times, "What do you want Teddy? I'm golfing." Joe Cassidy is hungover and seems very content to talk to Teddy. Teddy is worried about a $10,000 bundle that Joe lost the night before in a cab. Jow seems happier without it. Teddy believes that David Williams may very well have stolen it because "he wouldn't put it past him; apparently they were sharing a cab. Cassidy is obviously unimpressed with this theory. Teddy repeatedly tells Jow how much he cares about him, obviously trying elicit the same response for my ears. When he finally gets it he looks and sounds very satisfied. For some reason he speaks very softly and delicately to Joe; this is highly unusual. It is as though he thinks of Joe as a flower or a kitten; perhaps even his 6 year old daughter who is upset because daddy is on a business trip. I absolutely love this.

-He maintains that he used to be very skinny, which I believe is true, especially because of my suspicions of former drug use. he is currently the size of Big Black from MTV's Rob&Big.

-Brags that after he got out of jail he made money after his cellmate, who taught him about Jesus, set him up with a job from a family member. He used this "job" as a front to slang dope. I like to imagine him turning a local Subway into a crackhouse.

-He almost always wears rose sunglasses, perhaps to distract from a very lazy eye which may or may not be related to years of drug use.

-When he's playing his A-game he plays weak-tight, when he tilts he plays loose-passive. He can't wait to call through the river because "they are all morons."

-He once begged me to get in his car with him, combine rolls, and head to the Commerce to play 1-2. We'd obviously split everything. He'd pay for the room. This was the 2nd time I met him. Wow, I also declined this invite. I'm dumbfounded by this previous paragraph.

-He swears that he made his East Coast neighborhood better by dealing rocks. "Everybody drove a cadillac. I ran the [censored] out of that place."

-Through all of the above random scenarios, there were in fact poker games being played. If,at any time, Teddy loses a pot he chastises his opponent for being stupid...no matter how or why it happened. Even if he only does that in his head or under his breath.

-If you ask him at any given time, on any given day, he is raping the 30-60, and 1-2 games for 10-15,000 a month. Every month. All the time.

-After all of these stories I say hi everytime I see him and he looks at me as though he recognizes me, but doesn't really recall how he knows me. He pretends not to think like this and I can only assume he goes through his life similarly to Leonard from Memento. I just don't think he realizes that there is anything abnormal about this. This leads me to believe that since he and I obviously have no special relationship that these stories are told all the time to random people. Any others I'm missing? I'd love to hear a new big black Teddy story right now. Help me out boys.