[Anacardo]

Your ideas are intriguing.

However, in a step for the sort of fearless self-exposure to mockery for which I am surely famous above all else, I will say this:

The idea of driving around in my car (see? CD player. I need it) listening to someone on permanent loop telling me to feel good about myself strikes me as very, very silly and ridiculous.

That said, I do know exactly what you're talking about, as you well know.

It's a killing fog. It stifles cognition, creativity, will, clever ideas, pleasant memories, good feelings and avenues of escape almost as fast as they appear.

It's a [censored] glutton. It wants your whole life if it can get it. And it is so [censored] hard to rally from under. I can only do it for a few hours at a time, and every time it comes back it washes away everything you came up with. The Waters of Lethe. Those of you who've never experienced it have no idea how much it makes you forget.

Drags you baaaaaaack. To motionlessness.

Fear? I'unno. Maybe. Phobias regarding incompetence and missing data and looking foolish have always played a powerful role in my inner life. I don't think that's the proximate cause, though. I got here as a direct result of walking straight into the teeth of paralyzing terror. Probably the bravest thing I've ever done.

Anyway. I've sought treatment. I believe I've mentioned that. Spent last winter checking out psychiatrists as I'd been urged to do. Settled on a guy, didn't think much of him, seemed like your standard cynic's shrink - just an oblivious dope-pusher. Took what he prescribed me, and headed out to LA. Couple months later my hands shook all the time, I couldn't get my nut, I spent most of my day in a mental coma and I was trying to decide whether or not to jump off my balcony, so I wrote an emofied thread and quit taking the stuff. Temporary relief ensued, like a sick man turning over in bed.

"Ruled by your habits." [censored] yeah. Ruled by your imagination? Hell yeah you are. I still don't understand quite why it follows to just imagine fluffy bunnies 'n' [censored], but that's just as likely as not to be the death fog talking.

I mean - catch me at another time and I would drop a vociferous arguebomb. It would prolly go something like this - "The whole idea of deliberately trying to alter your thoughts & emotions is ludicrous, indeed sickening. Even if it works I want no part of it, because if it does, then there is no such thing as authentic experience - only 'what you make of it.' And if that's the case then who gives a [censored] about anything, it's all fake.'

Now, I still believe in the core of this sentiment. On the other hand, I can't imagine that having your mind sucked away by the Noonday Demon is a particularly 'authentic' way to have your perceptions filtered, either. So as I said to begin with - your ideas are intriguing.