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Old 05-01-2007, 09:57 PM
writername writername is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 6
Default Re: Please respond: a short fiction piece

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Second, to me the story seems to be from the point of view of Jackson. So when the reader learns that Emily garbles out "Dada!" loud enough for everyone to hear, it's understandable we assume that Jackson has heard it.

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Specifically, I used the phrase "loud enough for the room to hear" because then the reader should assume he heard it. Then him being confused should tip the reader off that something isn't right.

Shrug. I'm trying...

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It kind of just popped into my head that this sentence is the crutch. I think the reason that the sentence with the word 'signed' is being passed over is because of the sentence telling us the room heard. It is just setting us up for confusion.

My advice: hit us with the twist, or more deftly allude to it as soon as we learn the whole room should have heard something but Jackson didn't. The fact that we have to retrace to the last sentence of the first paragraph to realize he didn't hear it probably weakens the story and confused the POV perspective of Jackson, not good things. I'm curious how you can close the gap between just a few (2?) sentences.
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