Evan, you're on fire with the jokes tonight, but very wrong.
http://media.dsc.discovery.com/conve...game/play.html
Siberian Tiger (Panthera tigris altaica) vs. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius)
Winner: TIGER
The heavy-jawed hippopotamus may be Africa's most fearsome animal, but in a battle on land Asia's tiger would probably outmatch it, agree our experts. The tiger can duck and dive with agile grace, and would probably be able to avoid a single lethal bite from the hippo while repeatedly mauling its thick-skinned competitor. Our analysis predicts that the tiger would win this battle seven out of 10 times. However, that assumes the face-off is on land: In water, the hippo would be at a distinct advantage and would almost certainly win.
Lion (Panthera Leo) vs. White Rhinoceros (Ceratotherium simium)
Winner: LION
Animal Face-Off experts are divided about the winner of this unlikely contest, in part because no king of the jungle in his right and regal mind would attack a male rhino in the prime of its life. Heavily armored and built low to the ground, the rhino would be somewhat invulnerable to the attack of a single lion, which is normally a pack hunter. But if the fast and agile lion could inflict several bites, it could prevail. If the slower-moving rhino managed to knock the lion off balance, the lion would be in trouble. But our experts and statistical analysis give the lion an edge, and believe it would win six out of 10 times when pitted against a rhino.
That said, I think the only real competition against an elephant would be the rhino.