[morphball]

This one is really more about me being a dick to a roommate than anything else, but here goes...

When I get to Penn State East Halls (the freshman dorm) on orientation day, I meet my roommate Joe for the first time. Joe is the quintessential dork/tool. Short, dresses poorly, thick glasses, acne, etc. Well, this sucks, i got thrown in with a tool, but I can handle it. It gets worse...

After the standard intro's (name, major, etc.) we get into the gist of living together. Joe reveals his total tool-dom.

In bed by eleven, he doesn't want me to wake him up. He's a neat freak and wants me to be neat. His side of the room is his side of the room, and I shouldn't be in it, ever. He also doesn't want me to touch his food (which is standard I guess, but not the way he brought it up...). His TV so he doesn't want me to ask about watching shows, etc., etc., etc. Well I can't wait to get to orientation and meet some "real" people, where I meet some cool guys (two of whom would become my pledge brothers.) We party, i meet a hot Korean chick, but only get her number, and then we party more. This was my first night of real drinking, and I stumble in my room at three o'clock in the morning and puke in Joe's garbage can. (I don't think I did this on purpose, but I may have...)

Wake up the next day, and Joe is just sitting on his bed, staring at me, waiting for me to wake up. He's upset that I woke him up my puking in his garbage can, and I can see his point and I offer to clean it. He says don't bother cause he did it at 6:00am. I go to eat with my new friends, and I come back and here him on the phone with his mom talking about me. I leave. As time goes on, he gets more toolish, and he makes friends with some guy who literally never showers and sticks up my room.

Then my friends finally catch wind of how toolish my roommate is, and prank calls are decided to be in order. Chopper (one of them) proceeds to call up my room asking for me in his impersonation of a big black guys menacing voice. Joe answers, since I am obviously not there, and Chopper asks for me. Dave's not there. Well you tell him Charles called, okay? Okay, I will. No, you be sure to tell him Charles called, do you hear me? Okay, I'll tell him.

I go back into my room and Joe says, some guy named Charles called. I say oh yeah? Yeah, he sounded really angry. I tell Joe not to worry about it.

Two days later, when I am out of the room, Charles calls again. Dave there? No. Where is he? I dunno. When's he getting back? I dunno. You tell him to call me, you tell Dave to call Charles. Okay, I will. You better, I'm serious, that cat owes me a lot of money. You tell him he better call me.

When I get back that night, Joe tells me I better call Charles. I tell Joe not to worry about Charles. Joe says that's the second time he called, he sounded pissed and he says you owe him money. I tell Joe not to worry about it, that I can handle Charles.

This process goes on for about two more weeks, until one Friday night we are drunk, and the real Charles, who is our friend and happens to be a big huge black guy is drinking with us. We decide to bring our prank calls to the next level.

Chopper calls Joe again, and in his most angry Charles voice ever, Dave there? No. Where is he? I dunno, he's out drinking or something. I've been calling for two weeks now, have you been telling him I've been calling about my money? Yes. [censored]! You have not! Yes, I told him to call you. You're a liar, you haven't told him and I want my money! (At this point, Joe decides to get a little back-bone...) Look, I told him alright, he won't call you, why don't you stop calling here, okay.

"Charles" freaks out. What? You little punk-ass snot! I'm coming over there, and since you haven't given Dave his messages, you can pay me. I want my fooken money, and you better have it!

Then twenty minutes later we send the real Charles to bang on my door, screaming I want my money. Joe comes out with a baseball bat and is crying. Charles runs away, but Joe notices us all peaking our heads out of rooms and from corners laughing at him.

He runs back inside balling, and we later sneak up to listen to the door and hear him balling on the phone to whom we assumed was his mother.

Joe got a new roommate after that, and I got a warning from the R.A., but it was worth it.