12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I know there are some well respected people here in the psychology field. I'm hoping for some advice on my 12 year old daughter.

Basically she has been a handful from the minute she was born. Labor was long a nd tough for my wife. The first night we brought her home we almost took her back [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

She has always been defiant and required lots of punishments of varying levels to keep her in line.

She is very smart and has her own distinct ways she likes to do things. These ways are out of the norm for her age group and thus she doesn't have many friends and she struggles to keep the ones she has. She basically takes over any group she is in and trys to get them all to do things her way. Her way is a little strange to the other kids so they end up excluding her.

She is very smart but refuses to try and thus is now failing Science and Math. She has problems with math because she refuses to learn her basic facts in prior years. She doesn't do her homework and lies and tells us she has none.

She is a bit of a dreamer and has become immersed in the internet chat world. She can create her own world there. We try and limit her time but then she has meltdowns. She recently has been trying to blame her chat addiction on me since I play poker in the evenings some days.

Recently she has become very withdrawn and emotional. Her meltdowns have increased in frequency to almost daily. A few days ago she went into her room and wrote a depressing poem on her bedroom wall with permanent marker. She has started mantioning how she should just be dead and no one loves her, etc. One time she took a push pin and scratched up her arms.

She is not involved in any drugs.

We are attempting to find her some counseling now but I'm wondering if anyone has any specific advice that may help.

Thank you

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

hurry dude. seriously.

I have no specific advice for you, our 13yr old boy is just a little surly.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

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This is the kind of thing that won't work if someone really has a significant problem and the adult isn't trained to handle it. I didn't have these same issues as a child, but I was very stubborn, and no amount of talking would ever convince me to change my ways.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I'm not a therapist or anything. But I was once a 12 year old girl. Ages 12-14 are the WORST in a girl's life. She's going to start her period. She's going to care way less about school and more about boys and her appearance. She's going to be extra sensitive to EVERYTHING. She needs a lot of special attention right now, love and support and distraction and routine. Be consistent and loving and monitor those chats - there are a lot of crazies out there who will take advantage of your daughter.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

There comes a period in life when you need to be persistant.

It starts with communication.

I would recommend living without the internet and TV in your house until things sort themselves out. Remember your father's generation didn't have it and they did fine... She wants the internet - Library and skool are for that!

Her skool day can't end at 2:30pm. At 12 she has to be occupied until she practically goes to sleep - bar dinner!

She has to find sonething she likes to keep herself occupied.
Music, dance, sport - There are many things but most of all you need to guide and keep a good eye until there is trust.

I hope she doesn't runaway with some maniac with whom she might have been having a conversation on the net while you had A9o.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I have a 12-year old daughter and what you are describing is not normal. Most kids want to do well in school (even if they fail) becuase deep down they want to please Mom and Dad. 12 is a little young to be smart enough to do the work, yet still fail.

I do not know your situation and I am not being judgmental. There is something else going on in her life and either you or your wife need to get close to her and understand what's up. Do you know her friends? Their parents? Do you know everyone that she IMs? My daughter is not allowed IM and while she isn't happy about it, it has never become an issue.

Cutting and self mutilation are not normal rights of adolescent passage. She is looking for attention. If kids can't get positive attention they will resort to negative attention (my 8-year old is experimenting with this now).

Punishing her isn't going to reveal the problem. Of course, she should be disciplined when she disobeys the rules, but you have to get to the root cause.

Her school should have a guidance counselor. Schedule an appointment for your and wife. Do not let your daughter know about it. See what develops.

Do you have any other children? Could there be some sibling rivalry here? Has your family suffered some sort of life changing event recently (death, divorce, move, school change, illness)?

I wish you luck and hope you find what is causing this.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

All I can say is that you're in a tough situation. Now, I am not a parent, but I have dealt with a very similar situation for two years from the time I was 12 until I was 14. The girl I knew had the same problems, but I ran into her at the later stage of them (when her cutting became a severe addiction).

First of all, I am against counselling for children. All it does it isolate them and make them feel awkward, like something is wrong with them. There is nothing a counsellor can teach a child that their parent can't. Having gone through counselling at a young age (very few sessions though), and having one of my parents as a working counselor, I can tell you I do not see great results from it.

Your first plan of action should be replacing the internet chat fixation with something else. It need not be anything definite either, but you should definitely try to expose your daughter to new and different things (things that no one else she knows can do, that way she's free to do things 'her own way'). All this takes is exposure, take your daughter to a concert, take her out to an art show, take her out to a science lecture. The main theme should be exposure to get her mind off of internet chat. Just let her explore the world around her, and help her out along the way. This will not be easy, and probably will mean that you might have to be coy about it. 12 year old girls (and boys) have an innate desire to hate everything related to their parents (and don't worry, that's an evolutionary trait that all children have, and its very very neccessary for their independent development).

Here's an example. Two parents wanted their daughter to take up piano, but they didn't want to force it on her like they were forced to play when they were young, because they eventually came to hate it. So, they decided to take a sly route. They went out and rented a piano, taking their daughter along with them to help pick one out. Then they left the girl to just fiddle with the piano herself. She made unbearable noise for weeks on end, then eventually she became curious over how she could learn a song. The parents told her about lessons, and the girl enthusiastically went for it.

Now, for your particular situation, you may want to do something like take up painting, music, or something else yourself. If she's blaming you for her fixation on the internet, and if she's correct, she may hopefully follow your footsteps in a different, more productive path. Honestly, it seems like she's in great need of something that she can do herself, without other people. Her personality seems to scream autonomy, so her have to give herself something she can become autonomous over. She seems like she's in need of an interest to consume her time and her energy. I guarantee you that if you can find something that she might be able to become passionate over, you will find your cure for your daughter's problem. When kids are confused, and all over the place (emotionally), they usually just need something to focus on, something they enjoy.

Also, talking to her about the problem will not fix it. You have to talk to her enough to let her know that you care so deeply about her that you're willing to do anything to get help her through this. Other than that, I don't suggest going any further, because it could actually hurt your relationship with your daughter. You see, the key to dealing with other people, is manipulation. Now, manipulation has a bad connotation, but it isn't a bad act if you're doing it for the right reasons (and since you're her parent, I know you have the right reasons - you care about her). You have to be very sly in these situations, and you have to pull subtle moves to slowly change her behavior. Distract her from the internet, bother her when she chats (be a relentless jokester), come up with activities for her to do with everyone else, introduce her to things she can do alone, introduce her to fields of new interest (there are literally millions). Just do whatever it takes to slowly manipulate her into changing her patterns of behavior. You're a poker player, you know all about grinding things down.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

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I hope she doesn't runaway with some maniac with whom she might have been having a conversation on the net while you had A9o.

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Thats one thing I am definately careful of. All internet usage is monitored and logged. Most of her chats are innocent ramblings. She has created an online personality that is not what she is in normal life.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
This is a no brainer, but I would definately just talk with her. Just ask her why she is feeling the way she feels and why she does the things she does, and show her some understanding and love. I assume that's standard, but I don't know..

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This is the kind of thing that won't work if someone really has a significant problem and the adult isn't trained to handle it. I didn't have these same issues as a child, but I was very stubborn, and no amount of talking would ever convince me to change my ways.

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Sometimes a child just want to be listened to, not told to change her ways. Though that may happen as a result.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
I know there are some well respected people here in the psychology field. I'm hoping for some advice on my 12 year old daughter.

Basically she has been a handful from the minute she was born. Labor was long a nd tough for my wife. The first night we brought her home we almost took her back [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]



[/ QUOTE ]

You can be sure that on some level, she knows that. Examine your own attitudes. DO you love her, but not like her? If so, she will sense that and act accordingly. There is nothing more devastating to a child when she/he gets the idea (rightly or wrongly), that he/she is far from her/his parents' notion of the ideal child.

I would recommend counseling sooner rather than later. This strikes me as more than the usual adolescent angst.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

let her do something you normally wouldn't let her do and would surprise her. aka sit her in your lap and let her drive the car. go paintballing. etc... kids just wanna be old [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

ps this advice is either really good or really bad, i'm not a parent so i don't know.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Make the couseling a priority. Do it now.

Failing out/dropping out of high school is gonna be probable if nothing changes. If my kid was doing this I would be very very worried. Spend the money to try and get this worked out now, dont wait.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

There is no harm in seeing a counsellor. But there could be regrets in the future if she needs one and nothing was done about it.

Edit: Oh, & I'd be very careful with the online chat thing. Make sure that the site she chats on is recognised as kid/teen safe and that it's properly moderated.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I am a Psychology student with many hours of class and readings under my belt, yet know clinical experience so what I offer here is to be taken as simply educated advice, not fact or an immediate solution...That being said, it is most definitely important that you make your daughter feel as if she is "Liked". Love comes naturally, supporting her with food and clothing is natural, but if you expect her to relate to YOU, then you have to relate to her, and treat her as a friend. Perhaps buy her a new computer of her own (that would give her a powerful tool to use with school, while at the same time making her feel as if you support her interests). Compromise is very important but I would most certainly reccomend counseling also, there are some amazing things Psychologists have learned about the brain and behavior. Good Luck.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
Examine your own attitudes. DO you love her, but not like her? If so, she will sense that and act accordingly. There is nothing more devastating to a child when she/he gets the idea (rightly or wrongly), that he/she is far from her/his parents' notion of the ideal child.

[/ QUOTE ]

yow. this hits home and I'm only a stepdad. food for thought.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
I am a Psychology student with many hours of class and readings under my belt, yet know clinical experience so what I offer here is to be taken as simply educated advice, not fact or an immediate solution...That being said, it is most definitely important that you make your daughter feel as if she is "Liked". Love comes naturally, supporting her with food and clothing is natural, but if you expect her to relate to YOU, then you have to relate to her, and treat her as a friend. Perhaps buy her a new computer of her own (that would give her a powerful tool to use with school, while at the same time making her feel as if you support her interests). Compromise is very important but I would most certainly reccomend counseling also, there are some amazing things Psychologists have learned about the brain and behavior. Good Luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

Buy a kid failing classes a computer? Reward her for acting up and throwing meltdowns every other day? Not on my watch.

This kid does not need a friend. She needs a strong parent to step in and take control of her and the situation. This girl is out of control and it is the OP's responsibiliy as a father to take control back for the good of the child. It is pretty obvious this guy does not have the tools to do it himself or things would have never gotten this far. That does not make him a bad person, it just makes him someone that needs additional help. Now it is time for a professional to step in and lend a hand. There is a very good chance this girl needs medication.

If this girl improves her behavior and gets the help she needs in school then that is the time to encourage her and buy the computer. Not until then.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

JD,

My heart goes out to you. Although I am a psychologist and the father of two middle school age girls, I can't personally imagine what it has been like for you, as a parent, to have struggled with your daughter for all of these years.

One thing which is obvious is that her problems are not solely the result of adolescent angst, since you note that she has had problems with emotional self-control and social interaction for practically the entirety of her short life.

Although some of her behaviors make her seem as if she might have a severe case of ADHD, my gut instinct is that there is something even more seriously wrong with her. In fact, as difficult as this is for me to say (since I have never met her), there is a good chance that your daughter may have either a pervasive developmental disorder or a major mental illness. Given the various problems she has had throughout her life, I'm a bit surprised to not be hearing about experiences already with doctors and therapists.

Consequently, I would strongly advise you to discuss this matter with her pediatrician, for the primary purpose of securing a referral to a licensed mental health professional who treats children. Your daughter is undoubtedly going to need significant services from this point forward.

I know that my words may be difficult to accept. If you have been in denial up until now about the severity of her problems (which I would only suggest if you or your wife have already refused suggestions for evaluations), please remember that that her problems were likely not caused by your actions as parents, and cannot be negated by the fact that she may be quite intelligent. Some children are just born into or are destined for a major mental disorder.

My best wishes to you and your family in finding the care that you all need to help you cope with your daughter's immense needs.

Sincerely,

Dr. chess

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

My take on this is that you might consider allocating time to be with her when you normally play poker. This kills the chat habit-- which is a huge potential problem for a kid that age. Tell her your relationship with her is far more important than anything else you may choose to do with your time. Then do it.

Then listen. Let her be herself and figure out what she is telling you.

This sounds like a kid that needs some time and attention. Twelve is a critical age-- dont let the opportunity expire and vaporize. Grab it while you can.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Yes, go with the doctor.

More info here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/adhd.cfm

It is my experience that therapy helps more than medication, but sometimes medication is necessary.

I struggled with a severe depression recently and for me at least It was very nice to understand what I had and that a lot of people (briliant people also) had too.

Best whishes!

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Your story sounds very familiar to me. I have a 13 year old daughter who is:

1. Very intelligent.
2. Defiant
3. "She doesn't do her homework and lies and tells us she has none."
4. Is failing one class and doing poorly in others.
5. Is in continual on/off relationships mostly with other girls because sombody "dissed" her. Has a number of male friends, all of whom come from broken homes, and most of whom Mom and Dad aren't thrilled with. Her "boyfriend" just got grounded for disappearing in the middle of the night. Parents noticed he was gone at 4:30am, no note etc.
6. Heated up a bic lighter and burned her arm with it to make a scar. She said it was an accident, Dad knows better.
7. Has her own page in Myspace and loves to message back and forth with her friends.
8. Does not do drugs.

Pretty familiar huh? I am sure you had done many of the things we have. Losing priviledges, no horseback riding, no phone calls on school nights for any reason except getting homework assignments, no messaging on school nights. Rewarding her for good grades, loosened privelidges not monitary, and coming down hard for not doing homework. She has been told she will repeat the grade if she fails her courses, no matter what the school says about promotion. She knows I am serious about this and is finally getting the message.
You can't win all the fights so you have to pick the ones that are important to you and then never back down. For me one of the fights was earrings. I agreed to one piercing for an earring and no more of any kind anywhere until she turns 18 and is out of my house. She challenged that by getting a second earring hole. I confiscated all her earrings and banned her from wearing earrings of any kind for two months. "But all my friends have more than one" To which I replied that this was a fight I picked to win, there will be no compromise, I will win, live with it. And she has. Other issues, makeup, haircolor, certain friends I have deemed battles I am willing to compromise on. Pick your battles.
The suggestions of others to relate more is good, but sometimes her crappy mood gets in the way. Something I do, which both my daughters hate, is to tell them "Don't smile. Don't smile, I can see a smile starting. Don't do it." This works even in the middle of a heated argument. If you are persistent you will always get a smile. It stops arguments and helps break up bad moods. It is not a cure-all, but it breaks the mood so a discussion can begin.

My daughter was adopted as a special needs child. Her birth mother is a diagnosed schizophrenic, which can be genitic and passed on to the child. So that is something we have considered in her blowups. So far though she is a heathy, normal, combative, sometimes maladjusted, kid.
Having said all this the one sentence in your message that stood out with big bold ALERT!! ALERT!! signs was this one.

"She has started mantioning how she should just be dead and no one loves her, etc."

This is a statement that can't be ignored. Kids kill themselves all the time for reasons adults think are completely irrational. She needs to see someone immediately. If you can't afford it check with the school, or social services. Catholic social services had a psycologist we were able to take my daughter to when she was younger. We are not Catholic and the fees were minimal.

I wish you and your daughter well. It is not always easy, but there are rewards that make it worthwhile.

Eric

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

also make sure when you reward her you reward her /effort/ not her /results/. if you have two children and child a is brilliant and makes A's and B's with little to no effort why should child A be be rewarded more than child B who studies for hours every night, sweats every test, and makes b's and c's. Why be proud of what your given? be proud of what you work for.

that being said i find it wierd how so many people recommend constant grounding and punishment. I have a friend that was heavily punished and sheltered all the time. he hated his parents, was completely miserable, felt little love from them, and ultimatly rebelled completely the second he was able to leave home.

Punishing bad acts are important but it must be known and /shown/ that the ACT is bad and not the CHILD.
punishment should:
1)fit the crime
2)be made out to be 'her choice.' ex: she chose to lie about not having homework, so she chose to have a teacher sign something with all her homework assignments on it everyday. She also chose to show you that she completed all her homework every night and has studied for every test.
3)should be conveyed without raising your voice. Your actions speak plenty loud and yelling accoimplishes only making things more emotional. More emotion is probably the last thing a young girl needs.

She needs not only your love but your affection and attention. Counceling can't be bad advice. It may make her feel like an outsider but hell, she already does. I'd rather my child be a mentally stable outsider than an unstable conformer/socially accepted.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I have dated two girls that used to cut themselves. It was shocking the first time this was revealed to me and down right shuddering the second.

My mother is sort of a nut-job. As the saying goes, we all look for our mother's in life.

Now that I have blunt about myself, I would like to be blunt with you. The main similarity (hang-up) with both of these girls was that they had issues with there father's. The first one wished that he was there more, and missed him. The other was smacked around by him, but was also ignored as well. I can relate to the posts about not feeling like the ideal child. My mother wanted a girl, and told me that on several occasions. I have been to child therapists, at the time it did not help, nor did it help any other child I knew. This is because at that age I didn't understand what they were saying to me. Though I did learn a lot from them, I was too stubborn to let anything meaningful happen in my life.

The old adage about baggage is true. As much as I hate to admit it, the things that happened when I was younger still have a very strong effect on my life-style, self-esteem, and especially relationships, including passing friends and girlfriends.

The only thing that I can say is that you should spend more time with her, and tell yourself everyday that you do like her. I hope that for her sake that you start tonight.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
Although some of her behaviors make her seem as if she might have a severe case of ADHD, my gut instinct is that there is something even more seriously wrong with her. In fact, as difficult as this is for me to say (since I have never met her), there is a good chance that your daughter may have either a pervasive developmental disorder or a major mental illness. Given the various problems she has had throughout her life, I'm a bit surprised to not be hearing about experiences already with doctors and therapists.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am a therapist who works pretty much exclusively with adolescents and their families. Although I can't tell too much from an internet post, I'd have to agree with Chesspain's assessment.

If so many of her difficulties take place in school, there should have been some type of evaluation for her. School systems have a responsibility to ensure a proper education for their students. They should not have allowed her to go this long without providing her extra help and support.

A responsible therapist will not blame you and your wife for what is happening.

Good luck to you.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

JD…

What you need desperately, before counselling, is a thorough, professional assessment. There is clearly something clinical going on here. You will all need to pull together to define the problem. A diagnosis is no panacea, and might even be somewhat in error, but it will at least give you all something to get your arms around and serve a starting point for any number of therapeutic alternatives. It will also free you all from the bad girl/good girl trap.

I expect your daughter will resist at first, deny that she is “different,” and blame-game the issue.

If you’ll permit, I’d also avoid all but the mildest punishments and stick to unemotional timeouts and isolation strategies. Emotional responses just tend to up the ante and fuel the fire. This is not a statement on punishment per se; it’s just that punishment is counterproductive in many clinical situations and you don’t know what you’re facing yet.

I speak as the older brother of a brilliant 57-year-old professional woman who has coped with severe mental problems all her life, as the father of a 36-year-old son (and two older step-children), and the father (yes!) of 8-year-old twin girls.

One of my twins has Asperger’s Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. Many of her symptoms mirror your daughter’s. It is extremely unlikely that your daughter is an Aspie, at 12 (and most Aspies are boys), but something’s up…

Best wishes…

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

This post is quite interesting.
A few thoughts:

Your daughters symptoms signify seriousy mental instability as other posters have noted. Her symptoms remind me heavily of myself at a younger age, struggling with ADHD and misbehavior at school as well as at home.

Your daughter is very likely suffering from depression, which is a VERY serious thing. I have experience with long bouts of depression and it is seriously terrible and no one should have to continue to suffer through it.

The social inabilities of your duaghter could very well be caused by asperger's syndrome, or some other disorder. My brother has asperger's; as he only talks about whats going in his mind (sports trivia) he has difficulty making friends and other social bonds.

Lastly, this excerpt from your post is very troubling: "She has always been defiant and required lots of punishments of varying levels to keep her in line." Kids do NOT need to be kept 'in line' via lots of punishment. Punishment will only lead to mental issues later on. If the punishments are physical (spanking etc.) the child may have issues with violence later on. If the punishments are mental (scolding, grounding) the child may develop anger issues and mental instability. As a parent you mold your child's psyche, please do your best to contribute to their well-being only and not just continue to do what your parents did to keep you 'in line'.

hope shes doin better soon [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I would definitely follow chesspain's advice. Maybe she just needs a little nudge in the right direction or maybe she needs more help. Find out.

I would also suggest counseling for yourself and your wife if for nothing else than advice on how best to interact with your daughter and to help her reach her potential.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

What he said.^^

My son has some "Learning Differences". Socially he does not do well. At 14 depression/suicidal thoughts became a problem for a host of reasons.

I could see where he was heading. Right where I did at his age, drugs delinquency, the whole shabang and I didn't have the learning and social issues that he does.

This CAN be prevented. Not by controlling her and putting her in her "place" but by getting her and the rest of the family professional guidance before it goes too far.

I ended up taking my son out of public school - he hasn't improved in reading since 4th grade and was being bullied. He would come home everyday, go to his room, and I wouldn't see him again until the next day when he came home and shut himself in his misery. I couldn't see the point in keeping him in school. My child was becoming someone I didn't know. He was acting in ways that were in direct conflict with who he is and how he was raised.

A few short months later and he's doing fine.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Your daughter doesn't have much respect for other people or other things. Not giving other people or things respect or, in other words, having contempt for them, allows a person to feel superior. There is a tendency in every person to do this to some extent.

One can create their own fantasy world where they are better able to "control" what goes on. The motivation for this is generally based on not liking the real world very much. Not liking something and not respecting it are linked, except where criticism of something is honest and deserved.

The feeling of superiority that one derives from this attitude, while satisfying on one level, is fragile and subject to being overridden by a deeper feeling of dissatisfaction, emptiness and loneliness.

For more see http://www.aestheticrealism.org/ There's a kind of high signal/noise ratio at that site, but if you dig around I think you'll find some things that are applicable and helpful.

Good luck.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I know nothing about 12 year-old girls, or psychology, but I do know something about the internet.

I'd yank her connection, if I were you.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

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I know nothing about 12 year-old girls, or psychology, but I do know something about the internet.

I'd yank her connection, if I were you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed, with a question. Who is she chatting with if no one likes her?

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I'm just another parent who has raised a boy and a girl, 23 and 19, and I can relate to the pain you can go through raising them. My daughter has a chronic illness that, thank God, isn't terminal.

One thing I noticed in your post is that you keep referring to your daughter as intelligent and yet she doesn't do well in school. I had that problem with my son. He scored over 1100 on his SAT's without even studying and yet barely passed through HS. But socially he never had any problems. My daughter was the opposite. She excelled in school yet sometimes struggled socially during adolescence. Partly because of her illness but, and she'd admit it now, mostly because of immaturity.

When your child is having trouble in many areas the problem is probably deeper than a parent would care to admit. Considering she's reaching adolescence and now immersed in the online chat world, I wouldn't waste another day. She needs help.

You'd hate yourself if you didn't take serious measures and she ran off and wound up in a situation that would scar all of you for life. It's in the papers all the time and there's probably many more that we don't hear about. That may sound harsh or drastic and you figure that could never happen, but to many parents it became a reality. Do something now. Good luck.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I know nothing about 12 year-old girls, or psychology, but I do know something about the internet.

I'd yank her connection, if I were you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed, with a question. Who is she chatting with if no one likes her?

[/ QUOTE ]

I can't imagine a chatroom that's appropriate for a 12 yo girl. Maybe they're out there - but I've never seen one.

Edit: And MySpace..? You know who posts in MySpace? OOTers. Seriously, I wouldn't want a 12 yo on the same planet as those people.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Maybe she is just bad.

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

sounds like this could lead to bi-polar when she gets in her teens. I'm not an expert but something to consider

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

I'm not qualified to give advice (not a shrink) but here goes:

Become your daughter's friend. Take her side. Explain to her that she is special and that she can do whatever she wants in life. Also explain that you understand why she is failing in school. Tell her about Einstein getting F's in school. All of this stuff reinforces self-confidence.

In all truth it is easy for a creative, intelligent person to fail in school. The school system is set up to create drones, not free-thinking/creative individuals. I hated shcool when I was a kid. I once skipped for two weeks straight. I didn't have issues where I wanted to off myself or anything, but I was definitely anti-establishment. It sounds like your daughter is too, with a little depression mixed in. For this, you should find her someone to talk to.

You should encourage her rebellion from the world (if that's what she wants) but not from you or her mother- talk to her about rebelling in a way that improves her, poetry is good- just try to find her some paper.

You want her to feel she can trust you and that you have her back. Let her know that you value her above what others think about her or you as a parent.

I have a daughter too but she is still little so I haven't reached the tough stage yet. Again, my advice could be terrible, but when I was a kid I was a big screw-up but my father was one of my best friends and always had faith in me. I straightened out and became an excellent student at the end of high school.

Start spending some time with your daughter, maybe just the two of you. Take her to a movie and some dinner. Talk to her about important things that are going on in the world, not just in her life. Make her feel included.

Maybe you already do all of these things, again, I'm just trying to offer a point of view and it could be totally wrong and ludicrous.

Good Luck

Re: 12 year old Daughter witn emotional issues
 

Sounds like she may have bad depression due to a chemical inbalance. One of my relatives suffered from this and after medication was Ok. Have her tested for this, and good luck.