My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Hi. I am an occasional OOT and strategy poster but since some of my friends read this board and know my name IRL I have to use an alias.

My wife informed me a week ago that she has been emailing back and forth with a guy she met on Friendster. This has been going on for maybe a month, though I’m not sure. She claims that he has made no hint of any sexual interest, and that she initiated contact with him because his profile looked cool and he lives in our area, very close-by in fact. She has not added him as a “friend” on that site nor have they ever met. She said right off that he’s a big dork and unattractive and that she’d never be interested.

First of all, how do you think I should react to this news? Is there anyone who thinks, SFW? Next case?


What I did do was become somewhat moody and vaguely disturbed (but stayed calm). I insisted she show me his emails and she agreed reluctantly. Then I asked to see his profile, and she showed me…He was not actually unattractive at all, at least no more than me, and he even looked a bit like me. He is unattached, but doesn’t appear to be a sleazeball in any way. She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend. We are both in our early thirties and have been together for many years. This is the first interest she’s shown in another guy, even as a friend, since I have known her.

I am 99% sure she is not cheating on me, the least clue being that she told me about him unprovoked. What I am nervous about is 1. this may be a sign that she is losing interest in me. 2. this guy may be one of you OOT smoothies who pretends to be her best buddy teddybear until he’s got the fishy on the hook. She’s not stupid, but she does have more faith than me in a man’s ability to NOT be sexually attracted in a woman-friend. Anytime I do something dumbarsed, I’ll be afraid that she’s gonna run to him about it, but perhaps this is just paranoia.

I have not followed up on my request to read the emails he sent her.

What is my move here?

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Paging Dr. Dominic

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

We have a winner for Ask Dr Dom Part 2.

EDIT - I type slow [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Sounds like your marriage is in trouble at least as much because of your insecurity as any potential infidelity on her part.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Definitely read the emails.

Then put a stop to it. If she's looking to another man for emotional companionship then something is seriously lacking in your relationship.

I doubt she is 'cheating' in the physical sense. However, once an emotional bond is developed between the two of them you may become expendable to her.

PG

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

I'd suggest you be cool on this. Tell your wife that she should set up a happy hour for the three of you. Go, and be a cool guy. Do not show weakness (like jealousy). Get to know him. Let her have her friend. If he starts coming on to her after the fact she'll be honest with you.
Work on your relationship with your wife also. You shouldn't be freaking because your wife has a friend that happens to have a dick.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

your move is to demand she stop contacting this strange man. Period. If she doesn't, your marriage is over.

Harsh? Yes. An ultimatum, Yes.

But what your wife is doing is unacceptable. Certainly as unacceptable as if you were contacting a strange female online. While her motives may be strictly innocent (doubtful but possible) - his motives are certainly not.

Granted, your wife may not be getting what she needs from you emotionally - if that's the case, she needs to tell you so and you can discuss and solves things as a couple.

Seriously - this is not behaviour a married man or woman should be doing. At all.

And I know I'm going to get slammed for my harsh line here, but I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

You say that you have been together for many years. She may be feeling too comfortable with you, and is experimenting to see if she is still attractive/desirable to other men i.e. it may be quite innocent.
Would she really be so open about it if something was going on

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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If she's looking to another man for emotional companionship then something is seriously lacking in your relationship.

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I agree with this 100%.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Either you trust your wife or you don't. If you do, this is fine. The fact that she went out of her way to tell you about it makes me think there's nothing fishy going on (she was probably worried about the appearance of impropriety). If you don't trust her, you need to address that issue pronto because if it isn't this guy, it'll be someone else (if you think she'd cheat on you at all).

If you're worried that you're not giving her something she needs in your relationship, you should start giving it to her or definitely be worried she'll look elsewhere for it.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend.

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This alone should be setting of alarms. No good can come of it.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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While her motives may be strictly innocent (doubtful but possible) - his motives are certainly not.

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Right on.

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Seriously - this is not behaviour a married man or woman should be doing. At all.

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Totally agree.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Put a stop to this whole thing right now. He's attracted to her because she is a woman, not just as a friend - no doubt about it. Don't kid yourself. This is a bad thing to be present in a relationship.

Pretty soon there will be an F in front of that "Buddy".

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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and is experimenting to see if she is still attractive/desirable to other men i.e. it may be quite innocent.

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That's not innocent. That's duplicitous and manipulative.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

This is absolutely right.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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I'd suggest you be cool on this. Tell your wife that she should set up a happy hour for the three of you. Go, and be a cool guy. Do not show weakness (like jealousy). Get to know him. Let her have her friend. If he starts coming on to her after the fact she'll be honest with you.
Work on your relationship with your wife also. You shouldn't be freaking because your wife has a friend that happens to have a dick.

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MrTrik nailed this. Bring him in. Show no weakness.

He will either become a genuine friend, or you will be able to read into his real intentions, at which point you can take a bat to his knees.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

i don't know what "friendster" is but it sounds like some myspace/facebook clone and i have a question, what is a married thirtysomething doing talking to a random guy and exchanging emails back forth and establishing a relationship on the internet?

yeah she told you, she also may be smarter than you and telling you so that you don't worry when something really is going on or there is potential. either way its strange and i wouldn't have it. make it stop.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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and is experimenting to see if she is still attractive/desirable to other men i.e. it may be quite innocent.

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That's not innocent. That's duplicitous and manipulative.

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You may be right, but the whole thing is through emails, so the chances of her becoming physically involved in the relationship are greatly lessened.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Is he gay? No? Then he has no business making friends with your wife.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

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Right. Like with Hitler in Munich. They never should have let him get away with that. You have to eradicate these things early before they get outta hand.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

I have never met a guy who just "wants to be friends" with a female. At one point or another he bascially wants to bone your wife.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

This is great news for you. Now you have a passport to the women of the world. Jump on it.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend.

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This alone should be setting of alarms. No good can come of it.

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While I agree with the general sentiment of the vast majority of the replies here, this one I'll take issue with a bit. Maybe you meant there's something wrong with the ex-boyfriend, which I won't argue with. However, there's nothing wrong with a woman having male friends.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

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Right. Like with Hitler in Munich. They never should have let him get away with that. You have to eradicate these things early before they get outta hand.

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LOL...wait, am I Hitler or is the OPs original problem Hitler??

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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Is he gay? No? Then he has no business making friends with your wife.

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Huh? I don't see how the guy is really at fault here.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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yeah she told you, she also may be smarter than you and telling you so that you don't worry when something really is going on or there is potential. either way its strange and i wouldn't have it. make it stop.

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Hmmm...metagame strategies. BIMO

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Thanks for the quick response "Dr."

Here's the thing. As others are pointing out, looking weak and jeleaous is not exactly the best way to inspire her admiration, if she is indeed being flirty. I don't want to make her do anything without my knowledge and I really don't want to make her take some "stand" on how she's allowed to have male friends or something.

The suggestion about taking the two of them out somewhere and looking cool seemed OK, except that she has never met the guy, so it would be like I was encouraging her to get to know him!

How do I put a stop to it without seeming like an insecure douche? Honestly I am not that afraid of the guy, I just think it's risky to pretend nothing's going on.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

I am 99% sure she is not cheating on me,

but she is. she is giving attention to a another man that should be going to you.

you should:

A) explain this to her
B) beat her with a sockfull of nickels

the fact that she was open with you shows she is a nice person, which is why i say nickels instead of nails.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend.

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This alone should be setting of alarms. No good can come of it.

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While I agree with the general sentiment of the vast majority of the replies here, this one I'll take issue with a bit. Maybe you meant there's something wrong with the ex-boyfriend, which I won't argue with. However, there's nothing wrong with a woman having male friends.

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I might have overreacted. I'm commenting specifically on being friends with an ex. Maybe it's not wrong, but it sure strikes me as weird.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

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Right. Like with Hitler in Munich. They never should have let him get away with that. You have to eradicate these things early before they get outta hand.

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LOL...wait, am I Hitler or is the OPs original problem Hitler??

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The problem is Hitler. Once Chamberlain was willing to hand over the Czechoslovakian Sudetanland to Hitler's demands it allowed him to have a perfect southern flanking position on Poland. And then we have the start of WW2. If only Chamberlain had said "no" to giving Hitler that seemingly insignificant small strip of moutainous, bunker filled terrain.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

What's good for the goose....

I would do the exact same thing to her, get on there and find a attractive female and become "friends" with her, keep it clean and all and let her feel what you feel.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

[/ QUOTE ]



Right. Like with Hitler in Munich. They never should have let him get away with that. You have to eradicate these things early before they get outta hand.

[/ QUOTE ]


LOL...wait, am I Hitler or is the OPs original problem Hitler??

[/ QUOTE ]

The OP is France, The guy his wife is talking to is hitler, the wife is stalin, you're winston churchill and everyone in OOT who's saying its not a big deal is chamberlain.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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MrTrik nailed this. Bring him in.

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yeah i can see it now. they throw a little house party/bbq and invite a bunch of friends over and they are like "so who's the new guy?" you say, "oh he's just the new guy that my wife met on a website that is designed for people to establish relationships, most of the time intimate. you should meet him, great guy!"

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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How do I put a stop to it without seeming like an insecure douche?

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The fact the she is out making cyber friends over the internet most likely means that something is missing in her life. Maybe she isn't getting the attention from you that she once was.

Start paying attention to her again. You can start by calling her up right now and telling her that you are taking her out to a nice dinner.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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MrTrik nailed this. Bring him in.

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yeah i can see it now. they throw a little house party/bbq and invite a bunch of friends over and they are like "so who's the new guy?" you say, "oh he's just the new guy that my wife met on a website that is designed for people to establish relationships, most of the time intimate. you should meet him, great guy!"

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Exactly. Don't get them together because then she will think it ok to maybe "hang out" with this guy without you there, and that would suck.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Where the hell is the link? [img]/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img]

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

If she has any intelligence at all she will see through this and the OP will look like a douch. Just because she doesn't have a dick does not mean she's stupid. Unless she is actually stupid. I wouldn't know.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

[/ QUOTE ]



Right. Like with Hitler in Munich. They never should have let him get away with that. You have to eradicate these things early before they get outta hand.

[/ QUOTE ]


LOL...wait, am I Hitler or is the OPs original problem Hitler??

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The OP is France, The guy his wife is talking to is hitler, the wife is stalin, you're winston churchill and everyone in OOT who's saying its not a big deal is chamberlain.

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Brilliant.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Well she is either stupid or she doesn't care about poor girlstranger here becuase 1. She doesn't realize how bad something like this probably hurts him. 2. She doesn't care about how much it hurts him.

Women are naturally selfish. Or at least 90% of them. If she would rather have a meaningless relationship with a stranger then make her husband happy then that is pretty shitty.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

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Where the hell is the link? [img]/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img]

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No [censored]. If we've learned anything here about these things, it's that a link to the blog/friendster is obligatory. Also, aren't you both about 20 years too old for friendster?