The End of the Affair
 

After ending a 7 year relationship, I thought I'd like to make a thread about ending relationships w/ a break up, divorce, death, or whatever... you know, a nice cheerful topic.

So, post your thoughts on break ups, maybe how you deal with them, or whatever you think is pertinent.

Basically, there's tons of info on how to start a relationship. The media is flooded w/ the crap, and it's pretty easy to do anyway.

There's less info on how to keep a relationship going, but you can still find quite a bit on it.

I see the least amount of info about the end of relationships, so I thought this could be interesting, and, at any rate, it is something that's not much discussed.



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So, I tend to get into pretty intense relationships that last a while. This makes ending them hard, and not something I really want to do. I really have no way of dealing with it, which is why I was wondering if others did. I just sort of do nothing for a week or two and feel really bad, then I go about my business, and occasionally feel bitter.

For me, all my relationships have basically come to an end due to a lack of communication. I remember way back in high school I was talking to this girl I really liked, and we were talking about what the most important thing in life is... she said "communication." I said something asinine like "being happy." Anyway, damn, she was so right. W/ my last gf we were very good together in many ways, but we just could not understand what the [censored] the other one was talking about. It could be about something trivial like asking for help doing some daily task, or it could be about our emotions. We'd say things several different ways, and in the end one of us was always left scratching their head... well usually more like throwing their hands up in despair. Of course it's not that simple. 7 years never is, but if I were to pin it on one thing, that would be it.



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The title of this thread is from one of my favorite Graham Greene books. Honestly it's been a while since I read it, but I do remember it's a nice depressing book... a good read after a break up. Another good read about relationships and their demise, that I just got done reading is, "Tender is the Night," by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The book plays on the the typical fear of getting old and decrepit and getting left by the way side by your mate because of it.... also it plays on the typical desire of wanting more conquests.



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Anyway, not sure exactly where I think this thread will go, but judging from some of the posts I see on here, I'm sure some of you have thoughts on breaking up and associated crap.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

hmm, keikiwai makes a serious post?

But seriously, I just got out of a 3-year-long relationship, mostly for lack of communication. I guess when it ended I mostly listened to a lot of music, hung out with friends, partied, went to school, etc. I think that when you break up, it's a good time to do all the things you couldn't when you were putting so much time into the relationship. FWIW though, it wasn't really my decision to end it...I mean, it was a good thing, but I could never pull the trigger. So I guess I didn't have to worry about breaking it to her. After it happened, we were cool for awhile until I found out she had been dating another guy for a couple of weeks and didn't tell me so I got mad and basically stopped talking to her (she found out that I knew).

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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we were talking about what the most important thing in life is... she said "communication."

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this is very true, but very few seem to know exactly what it means. i know i didn't.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

I just told an ex this morning that we have to stop speaking, because, well frankly, its tearing us both apart. I'm in the minority though, I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Its still hard blocking her on chat, deleting her number from my phone, and blocking her on facebook, especially when she deserves better.

I guess I'm too calculated.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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hmm, keikiwai makes a serious post?

But seriously, I just got out of a 3-year-long relationship, mostly for lack of communication. I guess when it ended I mostly listened to a lot of music, hung out with friends, partied, went to school, etc. I think that when you break up, it's a good time to do all the things you couldn't when you were putting so much time into the relationship. FWIW though, it wasn't really my decision to end it...I mean, it was a good thing, but I could never pull the trigger. So I guess I didn't have to worry about breaking it to her. After it happened, we were cool for awhile until I found out she had been dating another guy for a couple of weeks and didn't tell me so I got mad and basically stopped talking to her (she found out that I knew).

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same thing happened to me but i knew she was cheating on me for like a month before. i didnt love her so i did the only rational thing i could... continue having sex and then wait till she broke up with me b/c she wanted to date the other dude. Kinda of [censored] on both of our parts but till this day she never knew that i knew she was cheating on me. I guess thats why i can still pretend to be cordial-friends with her

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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I just told an ex this morning that we have to stop speaking, because, well frankly, its tearing us both apart. I'm in the minority though, I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Its still hard blocking her on chat, deleting her number from my phone, and blocking her on facebook, especially when she deserves better.

I guess I'm too calculated.

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yeah, my x and i are not seeing each other or talking on the phone at all atm

our financial affairs are pretty intertwined in certain ways, so when we communicate about that, we do it by e-mail

she was the one who wanted space before we could be friends or acquaintances... at first it really bugged me, but yeah, truthfully it just upset me when i saw her or talked with her on the phone, so it's better this way

then if we drift together again, we'll probably be able to just be friends or whatever

i still sometimes go target shooting with her dad, which is kind of funny, but her and i talked about it, and it ended up not really being awkward

Re: The End of the Affair
 

ED: Sorry, dude. Only RoundersQuote gets to make posts like that. SH quoted this post later, so I'll leave that because I do still find this sorta funny.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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I just told an ex this morning that we have to stop speaking, because, well frankly, its tearing us both apart. I'm in the minority though, I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Its still hard blocking her on chat, deleting her number from my phone, and blocking her on facebook, especially when she deserves better.

I guess I'm too calculated.

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This is me. When a relationship ends for me I just close off all contact until I'm ready to see them again. That might be months depending on how I feel. It's the only way I can handle it.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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at first it really bugged me, but yeah, truthfully it just upset me when i saw her or talked with her on the phone, so it's better this way

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Yeah, I think my recent affairs have gotten enough talk on these forums, but this really does suck a ton. Absolutely ruined my birthday and the next weekend getting a call from her.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

my grandma always says "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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my grandma always says "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

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grandma should post more

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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I just told an ex this morning that we have to stop speaking, because, well frankly, its tearing us both apart. I'm in the minority though, I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Its still hard blocking her on chat, deleting her number from my phone, and blocking her on facebook, especially when she deserves better.

I guess I'm too calculated.

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This is me. When a relationship ends for me I just close off all contact until I'm ready to see them again. That might be months depending on how I feel. It's the only way I can handle it.

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Same here. I really think this is best for everyone involved. Also, I think it's only really possible to be friends again until both parties have moved onto other relationships. I've had a 5-year and 8-year, so speaking from this experience. But I imagine what I said is true for any relationship of emotional significance.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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my grandma always says "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

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grandma should post more

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Random hookups right after breaking up I found to be very helpful. But I've always assiduously avoided getting into rebound things, I can't imagine that's a good idea ever.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

Al,

What does it take for a 5 or 8 year relationship to not get to marriage? If you were married feel free to ignore, but given the context of the thread I took it that you weren't.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

tOne - well the 1st relationship (the 5-year) was freshman year of high school through freshman year of college. We broke up cause we were young and also long distance (went to different colleges). I will take this opportunity to recommend not getting into something so serious when you're that young. We're currently still close and good friends.

2nd one is more relevant to your question. (I'm 31 btw.) We started dating middle of undergrad and stayed together through our 20s. This was the one on the verge of marriage. Our circle of friends were rather shocked when we broke up.

We both took marriage very seriously (her parents were divorced, I just take everything seriously haha), and so were very careful about not rushing into an engagement.

By the time she, in earnest, began the whole "where's my ring where's my ring" push, it became clear to me that 1) I wasn't ready for marriage; 2) issues I had ignored because she was so awesome in other ways, I started to factor more rationally into why or why not she would be a good wife. It was a very difficult decision to break things off with her.

So to your question: I actually think alot of people in our situation would've fallen prey to the standard momentum of long-term couples getting engaged than married in their mid to late 20s. I'm glad we didn't. I think I fortunately had the perspective (this is more true for a guy I think) that I had a long window to find my wife (no need to "settle"), but more critically, I had some growing up to do in the interim.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

tOne - also, I think that the dynamics in play for a long-term relationship ending, and divorce, can be similar. Over time people just grow apart, or don't "grow together", whatever that means.

I think the difference is that if this happened while I was married (I'm assuming it likely will as it tends to happen in most relationships) I'd be hopefully mature enough to handle it with some aplomb, and more committed to making it work out for the long haul.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

Edit: I am 21, she is 22. We will most likely stay distant from each other for the next 2-3 years.

I need some advice.

I met my girlfriend this summer at an internship. We spent just about everyday together for the first 4 weeks of our relationship. I grew to love her after 3 weeks, and she was deeply in love with me after a mere 2.

After a month, we were forced to separate geographically. Our schools are ~200 miles apart, and we've seen each other every 2-3 weeks. I love her very much, but I felt differently towards her in the past week. I became confused with my feelings towards her. My head was wracked constantly by a headache of her absence. I spoke to her when I visited this past weekend. When I told her about this different feeling, we both erupted in tears. I told her how I loved her, but my feelings were different than our perfect love when we spent everyday together. She stated that she gave her heart to me, saying that she thought I was the "one." As I was about to leave, I cried in long bursts because she said, "if I say good-bye, I don't know if I'll lose you," at which point she burst out into tears.

I thought about all of our happy memories together, then told her that I loved her and couldn't leave her. The thought of leaving her apartment and never visiting, seeing her again left my heart devoid of feeling. I called her on the phone as I drove home, telling her how much I loved her and how I wanted to see her in 2 weeks - the time of our next meeting.

I felt oddly today, similar to my feeling from the previous week. I don't know if it's caused by my desire to see her or my need to leave her...

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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Edit: I am 21, she is 22. We will most likely stay distant from each other for the next 2-3 years.

I need some advice.

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One way or another, something will change. Either you'll decide that what you're doing with the rest of your life is more important, and forget this girl, or you decide to go for it and be where she is. You're young enough that I'm guessing both roads are likely perfectly viable, so just pick one. But I think you should definitely choose to go one direction or another; trying to maintain any kind of long distance relationship under these circumstances will just be sucky.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

King - agree 100% with gump.

Keikiwai - damn, this thread is geting super emo... haha but final point from me. Quoting from your OP:

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I remember way back in high school I was talking to this girl I really liked, and we were talking about what the most important thing in life is... she said "communication." I said something asinine like "being happy." Anyway, damn, she was so right. W/ my last gf we were very good together in many ways, but we just could not understand what the [censored] the other one was talking about. It could be about something trivial like asking for help doing some daily task, or it could be about our emotions. We'd say things several different ways, and in the end one of us was always left scratching their head... well usually more like throwing their hands up in despair. Of course it's not that simple. 7 years never is, but if I were to pin it on one thing, that would be it.

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I can really relate to this. I'm sure alot of people can. To qualify my above posts, it was definitely not a one-way street, and I was frustrating the hell out of my ex also. We just had terrible communication. I chalk this up to 1) our incompatibility on some level and 2) I don't think I was really mature enough to handle the situation well, with the patience and commitment necessary to work through it and solve our communication issues (if that were possible).

I think the end of any long term thing is usually a somewhat imperfect solution - I don't regret anything per se, but I don't want to make this sound as if it was a cut and dried decision and it was easy to walk away from. You just have to hope that eventually the pros out weigh the cons and everything works out for the best.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

"The title of this thread is from one of my favorite Graham Greene books"

In addition to the movie, there is also an opera based on this book. I've never really enjoyed opera. I've gone because I thought that's what semi-cultured people did, and I THOUGHT I was enjoying opera as much as I could. But this show blew me away. I'd never been so moved by a performance.

(Interesting story about how I saw TOOTA opera: a beautiful young girl who I'd never met walked up to me in a Seattle coffeeshop and said "You wanna go to the opera, it starts in 10 minutes. I said, uh OK, and went there wearing jeans and sweatshirt. The tickets were front row center aisle -- $150 tickets -- and everyone but me was all dressed up. There's more to the story including the reason why I got the ticket but I've already gotten far enough off topic)

Re: The End of the Affair
 

I've felt the most intense sensations, sometimes indescribable, of loneliness after a breakup. Not even in a depressing sense (though at time of course, as part of recovery), but in the sense that only you can determine what comes next. Part of the sensation of this stress is among the reasons why I smoke a ton of pot, but I've found that in the end, simply recognizing all feelings, good and bad, that come your way and facing those feelings, combined with the time it takes for all of that emotion to come out is what it really takes to get over the end of a relationship. Distractions are also useful, I've found travel to work quite well. Playing poker abroad specifically is incredibly consuming within my own mind and helps a lot.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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(Interesting story about how I saw TOOTA opera: a beautiful young girl who I'd never met walked up to me in a Seattle coffeeshop and said "You wanna go to the opera, it starts in 10 minutes. I said, uh OK, and went there wearing jeans and sweatshirt. The tickets were front row center aisle -- $150 tickets -- and everyone but me was all dressed up. There's more to the story including the reason why I got the ticket but I've already gotten far enough off topic)

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You have peaked my interest. I would really like to hear the rest of this story; if not in this thread, perhaps another.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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You know what cheers me up when I feel [censored]?

Roll up aces over kings.

[img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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I f'king love this quote.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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"The title of this thread is from one of my favorite Graham Greene books"

In addition to the movie, there is also an opera based on this book. I've never really enjoyed opera. I've gone because I thought that's what semi-cultured people did, and I THOUGHT I was enjoying opera as much as I could. But this show blew me away. I'd never been so moved by a performance.

(Interesting story about how I saw TOOTA opera: a beautiful young girl who I'd never met walked up to me in a Seattle coffeeshop and said "You wanna go to the opera, it starts in 10 minutes. I said, uh OK, and went there wearing jeans and sweatshirt. The tickets were front row center aisle -- $150 tickets -- and everyone but me was all dressed up. There's more to the story including the reason why I got the ticket but I've already gotten far enough off topic)

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Details plzzz.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

LD and Slowhabbit: I don't want to derail this thread so I'll post deails in BBV4Life.

edited to correct forum.

ED: Link! (jfd, in the future feel free to respond or start a new thread about anything people find interesting)

Re: The End of the Affair
 

mmbt,

"What does it take for a 5 or 8 year relationship to not get to marriage?"

I've never had a relationship anywhere near that long. I do know some people like that, and it seems like the most standard thing is that they were with someone, enjoyed their company, liked the sex, and after a while, the next logical step was to move in together. So that's what they did. But when it came time to think about spending their life together, which generally involved serious consideration of marriage and kids and such, they realized that they weren't all that in love, it was just easy and comfortable to stay together.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

i would bang as many girls as possible because that is all that matters when we arent stuck under the ridiculousness of personal responsibility and love.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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So, post your thoughts on break ups, maybe how you deal with them, or whatever you think is pertinent.




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I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. Met at 18, married at 20, 2 kids, house, dog, cat etc. Been thru a ton of stuff together. Starting and failing a business, putting her thru school, having to move in with my mom (talk about embarrasing), money, jobs, crazy sex, perfect honesty, losing our perfect honesty, resentment, breast cancer scares, operations, broken bones, broken hearts, just being broke, kids getting hurt, kid with a cancer scare, losing my job, therapy, meds, goals, failed goals, met goals, a certain future. Now an unknown future.

I never had a girlfriend more than a month or so until I met her. I have no ex, I have no other frame of reference. Now, it might be over, and it will be all my decision if it is. We took our rings off 2 months ago, we put them back on a month ago.

She is in full support ( and in great anguish) of whatever I 'need to do'. Why am I convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one?


sorry, i got nothin'

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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But when it came time to think about spending their life together, which generally involved serious consideration of marriage and kids and such, they realized that they weren't all that in love, it was just easy and comfortable to stay together.

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This strikes me as an interesting statement. What exactly does in love mean, in this context, if it's not just a stand in for "don't want to spend the rest of their lives together"? In a lot of ways, I think easiness and comfortability might bode better for the long haul than crazy romantic passion, which will probably fade at some point anyway. (EDIT: In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm getting married shortly to a woman I've been with for 9 years, so where I fall on this is pretty obvious.)

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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But when it came time to think about spending their life together, which generally involved serious consideration of marriage and kids and such, they realized that they weren't all that in love, it was just easy and comfortable to stay together.

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This strikes me as an interesting statement. What exactly does in love mean, in this context, if it's not just a stand in for "don't want to spend the rest of their lives together"? In a lot of ways, I think easiness and comfortability might bode better for the long haul than crazy romantic passion, which will probably fade at some point anyway.

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Yeah... having been in this situation (as described above) I would've been pretty damn OK with easy and comfortable (provided other things that were important to me were in place). In fact, I think that's a very good end goal for a long-term, durable marriage.

Hm - also, "realizing you're not all that in love" is kind of a foreign concept to me wrt a long relationship. The initial romantic love always fades to some degree, and what you're left with over time is a sort of low-level romance, "friendship love" and (in a good situation) the desire to stay together and make it work.

I think for most people, after a very long relationship, they will always love the person on some level, and "romantic love" is not really the primary driver for staying together or breaking up.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

Oh, as an aside, if it's not very obvious, need to qualify my above posts with 1) of course ultimately based wholly on my experience, don't really have enough insight into what my friends have gone through to speak to their experiences; 2) I like to think I have a more "mature" outlook on relationships, but this is (despite my "experience") an area I will always view as very nebulous and highly contextual.

-Al

Re: The End of the Affair
 

One thing I've always had a hard time adjusting to after a break up is photos specifically, and memories in general.

I take a lot of pictures, and naturally my x is in a lot of them. My screen saver is a slide show of my photos. So after breaking up, when my screen saver came on, I always ended up seeing her face in random photos where she's usually smiling and we were happy. At first I was going to delete all the photos, but I decided that would be retarded. I mean our break up doesn't change the things that happened in the past. We were genuinely happy in the past, and there's nothing wrong with that.

It's hard not to feel bitter when you think of happy times gone by, if you are currently sad. I think being able to recall happy events w/ an x, and see the memories for what they were, and not for how the memory now affects you is an important skill.

Now when I see the photos of my x, I sometimes think about how happy we were when the photos were taken, and I can do it w/o immediately wanting to punch her in the face because we're not together anymore. I can also look at the photos w/o wanting to get back together w/ her. I can appreciate what we had w/o feeling bitter for its loss, and I think this is a very important skill unless you want to grow jaded and bitter.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. Met at 18, married at 20, 2 kids, house, dog, cat etc. Been thru a ton of stuff together. Starting and failing a business, putting her thru school, having to move in with my mom (talk about embarrasing), money, jobs, crazy sex, perfect honesty, losing our perfect honesty, resentment, breast cancer scares, operations, broken bones, broken hearts, just being broke, kids getting hurt, kid with a cancer scare, losing my job, therapy, meds, goals, failed goals, met goals, a certain future. Now an unknown future.

I never had a girlfriend more than a month or so until I met her. I have no ex, I have no other frame of reference. Now, it might be over, and it will be all my decision if it is. We took our rings off 2 months ago, we put them back on a month ago.

She is in full support ( and in great anguish) of whatever I 'need to do'. Why am I convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one?


sorry, i got nothin'

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Wow. You guys have been through a lot. The only thing in your story I have issue with is this:

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She is in full support ( and in great anguish) of whatever I 'need to do'. Why am I convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one?

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I believe that you already know, in your heart of hearts, what your decision is. Deep down, you know the answer. The only "wrong" decision is whenever you convince yourself of the opposite.

...whatever that may be. Good luck to you, whatever you choose.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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we were talking about what the most important thing in life is... she said "communication."

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this is very true, but very few seem to know exactly what it means. i know i didn't.

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you didnt but you do now? elaborate, teach me the ways of expert communication.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

I was on/off with my gf for 2 years of highschool (no banging other guys while we were off, though) and have been completely "on" for another 3 years on top of that since. I'm now in my 4th year of college and have a gf that I simply wouldn't know how to break up with.

Seriously. I think my next longest gf before this was like a couple weeks, tops. I wouldn't know where to start with a breakup even if I wanted - our previous ones were hardly that serious (it was high school, afterall) and I'm totally in the dark should I ever want to do it maturely.

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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I was on/off with my gf for 2 years of highschool (no banging other guys while we were off, though) and have been completely "on" for another 3 years on top of that since. I'm now in my 4th year of college and have a gf that I simply wouldn't know how to break up with.

Seriously. I think my next longest gf before this was like a couple weeks, tops. I wouldn't know where to start with a breakup even if I wanted - our previous ones were hardly that serious (it was high school, afterall) and I'm totally in the dark should I ever want to do it maturely.

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Congrats on your relationship. It's definitely feels great finding the one you love.

I like to point out one thing though. Unless she's a virgin when you get together with her again, it's foolish to believe that she didn't bang other guys in those two years. I'm not saying that she did, but to believe it 100% is [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: The End of the Affair
 

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they realized that they weren't all that in love, it was just easy and comfortable to stay together.

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"After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."