Two Plus Two Newer Archives

Two Plus Two Newer Archives (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/index.php)

- Other Other Topics (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/forumdisplay.php?f=36)

- - Infidelity (http://archives1.twoplustwo.com/showthread.php?t=489305)

I don't really have any questions, I just want to make a comment and maybe some of you can agree/disagree. Some of you have read my other post about my wife cheating on me. Obviously, my life has been turned upside down and there has been nothing else on my mind since I found out about 2 and a half months ago.

Just wanted to give everyone a brief history of our marriage. We've been together about 14 years and married the last 8yrs. WE have twins who are 3 and a half. My wife has been having an affair for about 2 years with her boss who is about 10 yrs older than she is. There was no abuse in our marriage. We had the typical marriage....basically on autopilot and taking each other for granted. Not many fights just raising the kids and no romance. My wife has decided to divorce me and eventually move in with her boss who has 3 kids aged 10-15. Since revealing the affair to her family, my wife has been disowned by her father and kind of on the fence with pretty much everyone else in her family......most are not willing to shun her completely but do not really want to invite her over bc it is too awkward. So basically, my wife and I have gone from having a large nice house with no debt, 2 beautiful twins and a good family relationship to each of us living in smaller houses, our kids will be bounced between 2 families, and her being not welcome by her own family. As for me, obviously I now have a lot of psychological issues with trust and a host of other issues like anger, sadness etc.

In doing research on infidelity, I discovered that it is an addiction like any other addiction. People who have some kind of void in their lives become vulnerable to affairs. Anyone who shows interest or pays special attention to a vulnerable person becomes the source of addiction. There are bunch of chemicals there are released in the brain when these people "fall in love". These chemicals cause irrational behaviour and cause the person to do ANYTHING to preserve the feeling of being in love including distancing themselves from their spouse, magnifying small problems in their marriage, minimizing the faults of the affair partner and all kinds of justifications and rationalizations. It causes the person to live a double life of lying and deception even in a previously honest person. Once the affair is discovered, the culprit acts like a typical addict....tehy go on the offense and attack the people trying to help them. They blame everything but their own weaknesses for casuing their affair.

The thing about affairs that make them one of the hardest addicitons to overcome is that no one thinks of affairs as an addiction. So the persons involved feel they are in total contol of their lives and they feel that the have found their soul mate when in fact it is all an illusion. They are living a life with their "soul mate" which is all a fantasy....no bills to pay, no diapers to change, only romance. The persons involved only see the best side of each other, the side they want to portay. Everything changes if they live together. 80-90 % of the time, affair relationships end and even those that survive are no better than the original marriages...same but with a different partner. The other thing about affairs is that unlike, drugs,gambling etc, interventions tend not to work. A drug addict will choose to go into rehab when faced with the reality of losing their family. With affairs, there is someone waiting for them on the other side so it is easy to accept losing a family bc they will gain a new one.

So on to my comment. As far as I am concerned, infidelity should be a crime. At the very least, there should be a lot of money poured into research and rehab for infidelity. Instead, we have companies nowadays that promote affairs )i.e. ashleymadison.com). There are many organizations that help alcoholics and drug and gambling addicts because left untreated, they destroy families and lives. It is not uncommon for the perpetrators of affairs to go into depression when the high wears off and they realise what they have done. These people lives are usually shattered whether the affairs ends or not bc they live a life of shame and guilt and alienation by family. The victim or betrayed spouse can also go into depression, cimmit suicide and even murder. Anything that destroys families, especially when kids are involved, should be taken very seriously. From my research, over 50% of marriages end in divorce and over 80% of those divorce is a result of infidelity. I haven't done any research on alcoholism or drug addiction but i would guess that affairs affect more families than both of those combined.

Right.... no one should have free will.

Marriage is a binding contract after all!

[ QUOTE ]
The victim or betrayed spouse can also go into depression, cimmit suicide and even murder.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a ridiculous argument for why it should be outlawed.

I could go into depression, commit suicide, or murder someone because the McDonald's clerk screwed up my order, or some one cut in front of me in line.

I think you are being completely irrational with your argument.

Thanks for the ashley madison tip.

As far as I am concerned, infidelity should be a crime.

She'll just be banging dykes in prison. Plus guards. And probably your best friend a couple years ago when you visited your buddies from college. And that waiter who seemed to recognize her.

Also, in her lifetime she's never once thought of you during sex. Even when your face was buried in her hair.

[ QUOTE ]
As far as I am concerned, infidelity should be a crime.

She'll just be banging dykes in prison. Plus guards. And probably your best friend a couple years ago when you visited your buddies from college. And that waiter who seemed to recognize her.

Also, in her lifetime she's never once thought of you during sex. Even when your face was buried in her hair.

[/ QUOTE ]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] Bison

Treating infidelity like an addiction but prosecuting it like a crime is insane.

No doubt most people should do more to talk about their problems, fears, etc, in their relationships. That's why the answer to 99.9% of the marriage problems in this forum is "See a marriage counselor immediately." Removing the stigma from admitting that we all have problems from time to time is a great idea that would probably result in more successful marriages. This is also why criminalizing it makes no sense.

[ QUOTE ]
So on to my comment. As far as I am concerned, infidelity should be a crime. At the very least, there should be a lot of money poured into research and rehab for infidelity.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm pretty sure that there has been an inordinate amount of time and money spent on this already in the form of biological and bio-evolution research. Guess what? We aren't wired to be monogamous.

But, you're right. I think we should spend trillions on rehabbing evolutionary instincts.

infidelity is not an addiction. Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

In the same sense, I just hope that one day we will have a cure for all the poor, suffering homosexuals out there.

[ QUOTE ]
In the same sense, I just hope that one day we will have a cure for all the poor, suffering homosexuals out there.

[/ QUOTE ]

Like jail!

[ QUOTE ]
In the same sense, I just hope that one day we will have a cure for all the poor, suffering homosexuals out there.

[/ QUOTE ]

REHAB THE DEGENERATES!

[ QUOTE ]
infidelity is not an addiction. Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

Me?

OFF TO THE "SHOWERS" FOR THE HOMOSEXUALISTS!

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
infidelity is not an addiction. Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

Me?

[/ QUOTE ]

op

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
infidelity is not an addiction. Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

Me?

[/ QUOTE ]

op

[/ QUOTE ]

Gotcha. But you have to admit, for some chicks - the penis is an addiction.

God love them.

"In doing research on infidelity, I discovered that it is an addiction like any other addiction. People who have some kind of void in their lives become vulnerable to affairs. Anyone who shows interest or pays special attention to a vulnerable person becomes the source of addiction"

Sources? Because this is the first time I've heard of one affair being called an addiction.

[ QUOTE ]
Im honestly surprised you are not very pissed off at the notion that it is.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed- sounds like an excuse, not a medicial condition

[ QUOTE ]
"In doing research on infidelity, I discovered that it is an addiction like any other addiction. People who have some kind of void in their lives become vulnerable to affairs. Anyone who shows interest or pays special attention to a vulnerable person becomes the source of addiction"

That's my point....nobody thinks of it as an addiction so nothing is done about it.

Click on the video below. It's 30 min long though. I got more sources if you want but it's on my home computer. I will post if anyone wants other sources.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Sources? Because this is the first time I've heard of one affair being called an addiction.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm sure you can find people who are "addicted" to just about anything that is pleasurable. We need to cure these people.

[ QUOTE ]
Right.... no one should have free will.

Marriage is a binding contract after all!

[ QUOTE ]
The victim or betrayed spouse can also go into depression, cimmit suicide and even murder.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a ridiculous argument for why it should be outlawed.

I could go into depression, commit suicide, or murder someone because the McDonald's clerk screwed up my order, or some one cut in front of me in line.

I think you are being completely irrational with your argument.

[/ QUOTE ]

I guess wasn't completely serious about infidelity being a crime, although it was a crime in some states back in the 1970's. The thing is infidelity is choosing to hurt someone for your own gain/pleasures. When else is it acceptable in society to do something like that?

[ QUOTE ]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't find it on a brief review of the page- more specific, please?

And one reference does not an addiction make.

The bulk of your posts about you impending divorce are emotional and irrational. This one included.

Don't marry a sloot next time. Enabler.

[ QUOTE ]
is choosing to hurt someone for your own gain/pleasures. When else is it acceptable in society to do something like that?

[/ QUOTE ]

WWF, extreme fighting, boxing

Reality shows

Football

slim,

If you can afford it, maybe you should see a pro instead of relying on marriagebuilders.com for your therapy.

I fully support the idea of clinics to help cure women of infidelity. In fact, I would like to volunteer to work at one.

Ray

With all due respect, where does accountability fit into your reasoning?

When you're married, you become responsible to your mate for the commitments you've made. So when a person chooses to have an affair, they have made a conscious and intentional decision to betray their partner's trust and break their marriage vows.

Your wife compromised her standards and got her emotional and/or sexual needs met from someone other than you – and she, and she alone, is accountable for her actions. No excuses.

Nevertheless, I will say this. While you're not responsible for your wife's affair, or even her happiness, you both bear equal responsibility for the state of your marriage before the affair.

[ QUOTE ]
I fully support the idea of clinics to help cure women of infidelity. In fact, I would like to volunteer to work at one.

[/ QUOTE ]
http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/9283/rayorlyeh5.jpg

I cannot empathize with your situation but I'll offer a sobering bit of reality here.

Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?

Also, you're struggling with the difference between perception and reality. You've been hurt in arguably one of the worst ways and your judgment/rationalizations are sketchy at best. To be able to move forward you need to distinguish between the way you feel and the way it really is bro.

Also, may the ex catch a nasty case of VD /end atta boy pick me up

ehh i think your post is kind of interesting from the perspective that infidelity is an addiction. obviously the persecution argument is over the top though. however, if you believe that infidelity is indeed an addiction, then shouldn't you be more inclined to forgive your wife and get her help? you present infidelity as analogous to drugs, but if your wife was addicted to drugs, i doubt you'd divorce her and tell her to [censored] off; rather, you'd try to help her.

so given that, i'm not sure i believe that you think of infidelity as an addiction.

OP,

Just curious, was this a social climb for her?

Who saves those pics like you, skunkworks? [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Ray

cliff's notes:

OP can't lay pipe properly. wife gets boned by her boss. OP [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

...you know, when i was a kid in NC you could sue someone who nailed your wife for 'alienation of affection' or something like that, dunno if it's still the case or if it can happen anywhere else.

There was a good thread in BBV or BB4life. It was "ask me about cheating on my wife" or something like that. That guy was addicted to cheating like none other.

[ QUOTE ]
slim,

If you can afford it, maybe you should see a pro instead of relying on marriagebuilders.com for your therapy.

[/ QUOTE ]
Best advice in the thread.

[ QUOTE ]
Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?

[/ QUOTE ]
QFT.

No one is excusing her behavior, but if that is all that you focus on you are going to get nowhere.

Too many people focus on the infidelity part and don't look beyond that to see what the root issues are that caused it to happen. There is a lot more beneath the surface going on than just her going off trying to get some strange dick.

[ QUOTE ]
Too many people focus on the infidelity part and don't look beyond that to see what the root issues are that caused it to happen. There is a lot more beneath the surface going on than just her going off trying to get some strange dick.

[/ QUOTE ]
Great point. It's easy to call her a "cheating whore" but why is she cheating?

I posted this in a different forum but it's worth referencing here: a friend of mine recently discovered his wife was getting boned by the tennis pro of the country club they belonged to. Probably in their bed and maybe with the young kids around. She got an STD too, I believe.

Then I had lunch with a mutual friend of ours who also recently got divorced and figured he would be sympathetic. He wasn't. He said the reasons she cited for the infidelity - emotional detachment, excessive drinking - were probably rooted in truth. And I know the guy and he IS in his own little shell and he DOES drink a lot, particularly in binges.

It's easy to look at the outcome without considering the cause. I now realize that my friend deserves his share of the blame for what happened. I'm not saying slim is a crappy husband but maybe he could improve in some way that will keep the next one from straying.

[ QUOTE ]

Are you taking any accountability for this? Surely you can't think that you are not at fault in some way here. I'm not condoning your wife's actions but what about the things you could have done differently?

[/ QUOTE ]

What? How is this his fault? His wife's carrying on a 2 yr affair with her boss while he's probably home watching the 3 yr olds and making dinner. I don't see how this is his fault in any way.

He says it in his post:

[ QUOTE ]
We had the typical marriage....basically on autopilot and taking each other for granted. Not many fights just raising the kids and no romance.

[/ QUOTE ]

While he may think this the "typical" marriage, it's certainly not a healthy one. OP has yet to explain why this is all her fault (which it might be if she's a yambag like my wife).

[ QUOTE ]
He says it in his post:

[ QUOTE ]
We had the typical marriage....basically on autopilot and taking each other for granted. Not many fights just raising the kids and no romance.

[/ QUOTE ]

While he may think this the "typical" marriage, it's certainly not a healthy one. OP has yet to explain why this is all her fault (which it might be if she's a yambag like my wife).

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes we had a typical marriage which is pretty crappy. In other words, we worked, raised the kids and didn't spend a lot of alone time together. The things we did always included the kids and/or other members of the extended family. We always looked at all the other couples we knew and compared ourselves to them and always thought we had a better marriage than all of them bc we hardly fought and had no money problems. However, I can say we didn't appreciate each other. Sad to say, that to me is a typical marriage at least from what I saw of others we knew. After the honeymoon period is over, it is easy to slip into the autopilot mode.

As for me as a husband, I can say that although I am nowhere near perfect, I am FAR from being a bad husband. I did all of the "manly" house stuff (cutting grass,fixing things etc) as well as many of the "wifely" stuff.....changed diapers, cooked,groceries ,vacuum etc. I have never even come close to physically abusing my wife, don't smoke, drink or ever even tried drugs.

As far as this affair being my fault, there is no way I am taking any blame for this. BEFORE I found out about her affair, I talked to my wife on 4 occasions about how we needed to change our relationship for the better, I bought and read a book about relationships which I also asked her to read (she read 1 chapter and stopped), and I wrote her a letter in which I took responsibility for pain that I had caused her in the past. So although I agree that the root cause of the affair stems from a less than satisfying marriage, that in no way justifies an affair. Everything I have read on affairs says to never blame myself just like an abuse victim should not blame themselves ( but they tend to).