Having kids, pros and cons?
 

First off let me say that this is not an "anti-kid" post. I've got 10 nieces and nephews, and I love them all. And I love kids in general.

But as far as actually becoming parents ourselves, my wife and I are a lot more ambivalent. We both make decent, but not great, money. Financially we are comfortable, but things would definitely be tight with the addition of 1 or more kids. We have a very happy marriage, we like to travel and go out to eat, etc. Neither of us currently feels like anything is "missing". I suppose that could change in time, though. Maybe eventually we'll get bored of just being around each other all the time, who knows. Personality-wise I'm probably not the best candidate for kids. I tend to like things calm and quiet. And I also like things neat. Don't get me wrong, I love to play sports and roughhouse with my nephews when I visit - but at the end of the day I enjoy returning to my calm quiet house.

So, at this point I doubt my wife and I will have kids (we are still young enough to change our minds I guess, but the clock is ticking so to speak.) Anyway, all this got me thinking about having kids in general.

It's obviously "expected" for married couples to have kids. So I'm wondering if there are any 2+2ers who could share their honest feelings about parenthood. Has anyone had kids and regretted it? Or not had kids and regretted it? I'm interested in REAL HONEST opinions about the joys/difficulties of parenthood... not just the Hallmark stuff. Was parenthood easier/more difficult than you expected? Did you like/dislike being a parent more than you thought you would? Did your relationship with your spouse change for the better/worse after kids? Etc....

Apologies for the sort of rambling post. And no, this is not an attempt to convince myself why I should/Shouldn't have kids. As I mentioned our minds are pretty much made up. I'm just interested to hear others' thoughts in this topic.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I certainly thought I would want kids some day, but my wife was ready now and I wasn't (I was 31, she was 30). I was kinda in the same situation as you, I was happy where we were at, there were still some things that I wanted to do that people without kids can't, etc. I relented, because I want my wife to be happy, but really wasn't looking forward to it that much.

Having our son is without a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me. Its really hard to describe to somebody who isn't a parent, but there's basically this immediate realization that your life is no longer the most important thing to you (I probably should have felt this way when I got married, but...whatever.)

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

People who are pro-kid would tell you things like:
"Kids are the best thing that ever happened to me"
"It will change your life forever"
etc, etc

If you're like me, you'll think you understand what they mean but believe me - until you actually have kids - you don't.

Now - that being said, having a daughter (2 1/2 years old now) has been the most amazing, awesome, joyous experience of my life.

I say go for it. Plus, how else will you know if your wang works?

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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People who are pro-kid would tell you things like:
"Kids are the best thing that ever happened to me"
"It will change your life forever"
etc, etc

If you're like me, you'll think you understand what they mean but believe me - until you actually have kids - you don't.

Now - that being said, having a daughter (2 1/2 years old now) has been the most amazing, awesome, joyous experience of my life.

I say go for it. Plus, how else will you know if your wang works?

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What he said.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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Having our son is without a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me.

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I feel the same way.

You can't do a financial analysis on this one, because it will never "make sense financially" to have a child. What you lose in cash you get back in joy, tenfold.

That sounds sappy but it's true.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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Having our son is without a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me.

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I feel the same way.

You can't do a financial analysis on this one, because it will never "make sense financially" to have a child. What you lose in cash you get back in joy, tenfold.

That sounds sappy but it's true.

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With college tuition costs rising faster than inflation, having children sooner rather than later seems to make financial sense, no? [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I had a post...

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After serious discussions with my wife, we realized that of our two chices, there is no way we'd regret one of them.

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It worked out ok...

OP, this is a big decision, a very personal one. Good luck.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Since you are both ambivalent to having kids, maybe you shouldn't be having any. Don't fall for pressure from friends and family if you really don't want to. Its your lives and you should be doing what makes the two of you happiest.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

i'm 36 and have some of the same qualities you mention. i like things neat and tidy...i also always enjoyed the freedom to do whatever i wanted; whenever i wanted.

my daughter is now 2 years old. it was an extremely difficult adjustment for me the first year or so. having nearly every minute of my day planned around every minute of my daughter's day (and wife's).

in the last year or so; after i finally accepted that things were changing...things have been pretty awesome.

having a child doesn't just change your life...it completely demolishes and re-writes it

i can't possibly see regretting it; no matter what happens in the future

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I agree with DrewDevil on the finances - you can always feel nervous about that, so don't worry about it.

The free time is a little different, though. Especially in the first year, and especially if you don't have parents nearby to come and sit with grandkids so you get a night out.

So you may want to start taking advantage and going to all the restaurants and little trips that you have been meaning to get around to, before you have to start thinking about kid friendly options and babysitting needs.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

OP...wow, I mean, just WOW. Having a son has been/is the most amazing, wonderful event in my 32 years so far.

Not only was the first year much easier than I anticipated/feared, but every day gets better and I thank God for blessing me with him.

Echoing a poster prior to this, you will be amazed at how it changes you and gives you a "perspective" that you just...well, can't understand or "get" unless you are responsible for the safety and well-being of a baby/toddler.

I've become a better man...less volatile, more responsible, MUCH more patient, less erratic..because of him and bc of that perspective I spoke of. You'll find out...while it sounds cliche, it is SOOOOO true.

Don't get me wrong..there are moments..you lose a bit of who you were, you can't go out on a whim, you can't count on sleep whenever YOU want it, you have to change diapers (lol), you are forced to grow up....but, the tremendous PROS of being a father soooo outweight the minor CONS that you will face.

And...remember that MurphNKY said this...perhaps you'll be able to PM me 1-2 years down the road and give me props ... just wait till the first time your child rolls over next to you after waking up and says, "I love you Daddy".

Nothing better people..nothing...

Good luck!

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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just wait till the first time your child rolls over next to you after waking up and says, "I love you Daddy".

Nothing better people..nothing...

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QFT

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

pro: lego

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

CON: Your social life dries up. You're at home and/or out with your family most of the time. You can't go to fancy restaurants or R-rated movies much. You can't spend much money without thinking about your kids. You spend a lot of money on baby formula. You watch a lot of Disney Channel and Sesame Street. You don't sleep much for about a year.

PRO: You have a child that you can call your own, and that outweighs every single con imaginable. I echo the sappy sentiments of the other parents that posted in here. Having kids is unbelieveably rewarding. Unless your work keeps you travelling a lot, or if you hate your wife, I say go procreate.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Dozer, nice post! Agree with your PROS wholeheartedly...meh on the CONS. I could get sappier commenting on those...I'll just say this.

ELMO rocks! [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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just wait till the first time your child rolls over next to you after waking up and says, "I love you Daddy".

Nothing better people..nothing...

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QFT

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My boy is 7 months old, not old enough to talk, but every day when I come home from work, he gives me this huge grin and reaches out for me to pick him up.

That big smile probably makes me happier than anything else that's ever happened to me, seriously.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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CON: Your social life dries up. You're at home and/or out with your family most of the time. You can't go to fancy restaurants or R-rated movies much. You can't spend much money without thinking about your kids. You spend a lot of money on baby formula. You watch a lot of Disney Channel and Sesame Street. You don't sleep much for about a year.

PRO: You have a child that you can call your own, and that outweighs every single con imaginable. I echo the sappy sentiments of the other parents that posted in here. Having kids is unbelieveably rewarding. Unless your work keeps you travelling a lot, or if you hate your wife, I say go procreate.

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I actually support this more realistic view than some other's posted here. If you don't understand how dramatically your social life changes, it will come as a horrible shock to you.

It's still worth it tho.

Ray

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I don't even like kids and I'd rather hang out with my two boys (7 and 3) than do anything else.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Absolutely agree the social life aspect MUST be realized/taken into consideration because it is a reality. If you're a partier, if you go out every night, if you drink a lot (or more)...probably wise to hold off on procreating until you slow down a bit.

However, I would argue that sacrficing a few nights out with the boys, a few nights at the poker room...as stated above, is well worth it.

Plus, it's not like, honestly, babies stay babies forever. Social lives must be put on hiatus for a few years..you don't lose that part of your life forever.

I would hate to see a prospective parent be influenced by someone disparaging parenthood bc of the toll it takes on "going out".

BTW, any Dad's here ever think they'd be sitting on the floor next to their child singing Barney songs?

[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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People who are pro-kid would tell you things like:
"Kids are the best thing that ever happened to me"
"It will change your life forever"
etc, etc

If you're like me, you'll think you understand what they mean but believe me - until you actually have kids - you don't.

Now - that being said, having a daughter (2 1/2 years old now) has been the most amazing, awesome, joyous experience of my life.

I say go for it. Plus, how else will you know if your wang works?

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What he said.

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exactly...with my personal experiences/additions

i never really liked kids.
never had a life goal of having any.
now have 2 boys. (ages 3yrs and 9 weeks)

i call it joining the club.

the only way to truly understand it is once you join it.
there is no way of really explaining it or describing it.

the only advice is make sure your marriage is rock solid and be prepared to be much less selfish with your time and energy. the rewards far outweigh the sacrifices, but like i said you really have to learn that part for yourself.

plus once you are "in the club" you now have interest in everyone's kids and lives like you never did before.

there is definetly a reason so many of us choose to pro-create, i am just glad my wife really really wanted to.

later. J.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I'll be the counter.

Getting married soon (been living together for years). Like with our wedding plans, we're not rushing into anything. I'd go so far as to say we've already decided that I'm going to get the 'ol snip snip. I'd be very happy not procreating - ever. I don't want kids because I'm selfish ,and like my life just the way it is. I spend enough time taking care of myself and my fiance. I also have several married friends who share the same sentiment as I.

I've talked to my friends who have kids. I ask them if they regret having kids... not a one would regret having kids. When I tell them I'm planning on not having kids, I generally get a positive response. Thing is with having kids - you can't undo it. There's no backspace key... no days off. At most, my friends with kids just wish they could have a day off.. a break or something... but there's no such thing.

I'm 30.. and I will not be reproducing. I'm very happy with that... if, for some reason, I change my mind - I'd adopt. I have a rescued dog, and she's great.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Pros: You have no choice.
Cons: You think you do.

Hey, this thread was overdue for douchebaggery.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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I say go for it. Plus, how else will you know if your wang works?

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Microscope. You should try it. It's really cool to look at. But then you feel guilty for the next week about jerking off.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Societal pressures based upon your marital status and age, shouldn't affect your decision to have children.

That pressure should land square on your wife!

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

pros: more welfare benefits

cons: stretchy coochie

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

Pros: Big boobs, milk
Cons: Fat wife, accelerates pace at which wife devolves to wearing men's haircuts

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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cons: stretchy coochie

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C-section FTW.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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cons: stretchy coochie

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C-section FTW.

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Your wife must have felt like a real winner!

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I have a son who turns 3 in September, and my wife is 8 months pregnant with our second child. We're very happy. I get to spend most days with him - as my wife works during the day and I have a night job. We have a blast together for the most part - eating together, playing together, taking mini trips together, swimming, watching movies, blah blah blah. I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything ... and I know my wife feels the same way.

That said, there are some days that I literally want to run away ... maybe that's too harsh. Make that, take a week-break or something. I don't get to have too much fun with friends, my wife and I don't get to spend quality time with just each other, I don't get nearly enough sleep, my son is in love with mommy and just kind've tolerates me (not really, but it feels that way sometimes), and I feel pressure to do/don't do things that I really do/don't want to do.

It's all worth it, like others have said. But please, it's a challenge like everything else - and some days are very, very difficult for me personally and on my marriage. And if you aren't ready for some of these challenges and aren't willing to work on them with your spouse as a team, you're in for a rude awakening.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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cons: stretchy coochie

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C-section FTW.

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No. Appeaseotomy (sp?) FTW!!

Also, big props to Gov'tCheese for his post. He KNOWS he doesn't want to be a parent, and won't even consider it. He's proof that there's no right or wrong to this problem. He's got it figured out. Nh sir.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I'm also in the no-kids-for-me camp.

I've grown up as eldest of 6 kids, and I've seen how much work it is to raise kids. I've helped with the most basic stuff with 4 of my brothers and sisters, since I was old enough by then (after a slow start, my parents chucked out 4 kids in 5 years, I turned 15 by the time the youngest was born).

The often quoted changing of nappies (which I've done plenty, too), and similar tasks are nothing compared to all the responsibilities that come with kids. Not to mention that your own life basically goes on hold for a long time. Just getting packed up & ready to leave the house with a young kid feels like packing for a 2 week summer vacation.

My wife and I, we like it rather quiet, and we enjoy our freedom. We both need a lot of "me time" for ourselves as it is.
We also don't really like kids. We don't hate them, but neither do we get all coochie-coochie-coo when we see a cute kid covered in chocolate ice cream with a huge smile on its face. It's a great sight, no doubt, but it doesn't make us want one for ourselves.
We're also too selfish to give up our dream of living as expats in several different countries - something that we've been working towards since we were in our teens. If we had a kid, we couldn't continue that life style but would have to settle eventually.

Having said that, our verdict is not final, we've still got enough time to change our minds if we wanted to (We're 30 and 26). But I can't really see me changing in that regard. We never wanted any kids at any stage during our lives. Never say never, though.

And for all you proud & happy parents out there: I'm really happy for you. And I've seen how delighted my parents were & are with us kids. I just don't think it's my cup of tea.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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It's obviously "expected" for married couples to have kids. So I'm wondering if there are any 2+2ers who could share their honest feelings about parenthood. Has anyone had kids and regretted it? Or not had kids and regretted it? I'm interested in REAL HONEST opinions about the joys/difficulties of parenthood... not just the Hallmark stuff. Was parenthood easier/more difficult than you expected? Did you like/dislike being a parent more than you thought you would? Did your relationship with your spouse change for the better/worse after kids? Etc....

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Kids, well sons, rule. Yeah, it's pretty stressful for about 12 months, but once he's able to walk and start talking, it's great. The biggest downside is the lack of sleep until the kid starts sleeping through the night. I recommend a rotating on-call schedule between the parents.

Also, most couples let "I'm tired" become an excuse for not sexin. The lack of sexin is what ends up killing most relationships, not only when there is a kid involved. This is not an option if you want to keep both parties happy.

My kid is two and a half now and he rules. He's like a mini-me, only way more talkative and he runs everywhere. Can't imagine a life without him in it.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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That said, there are some days that I literally want to run away ... maybe that's too harsh. Make that, take a week-break or something. I don't get to have too much fun with friends, my wife and I don't get to spend quality time with just each other, I don't get nearly enough sleep, my son is in love with mommy and just kind've tolerates me (not really, but it feels that way sometimes), and I feel pressure to do/don't do things that I really do/don't want to do.

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I highly recommend grandparents. My kid spends two weekends a month at her parent's house -- he leaves Thursday night and comes back Sunday morning.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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I highly recommend grandparents. My kid spends two weekends a month at her parent's house -- he leaves Thursday night and comes back Sunday morning.

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This sounds awesome. I am definitely going to do this.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

I have a 3 yr old boy and a 1 yr old daughter. I knew I wanted kids someday but if it had been left up to me we might still be waiting. The financial hit is incredible especially if you are forced to put them in daycare. Your schedule is turned upside down and you look forward to having small moments of alone time.

Was it worth it? Hell yes. However, I have friends who don't want to have kids, and I don't ever try and change their mind. It sounds to me like you aren't ready to have kids, so don't, and don't feel bad about it either.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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I highly recommend grandparents. My kid spends two weekends a month at her parent's house -- he leaves Thursday night and comes back Sunday morning.

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This sounds awesome. I am definitely going to do this.

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Yeah, it's like being newlyweds for six days a month. We get to do pretty much whatever we want again: getting hammered, nice dinners, weekend trips, sleeping until noon, and her parents end up thanking us repeatedly for the privilege of being permitted to keep him.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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Having said that, our verdict is not final, we've still got enough time to change our minds if we wanted to (We're 30 and 26). But I can't really see me changing in that regard. We never wanted any kids at any stage during our lives. Never say never, though.


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Women reach a point in their lives where the NEED to bear a child is overwhelming and non-negotiable. A woman under the age of 28 isn't anywhere near the person she will be at age 32 and tick-tick-tick syndrome sets in.

My wife and I never really considered having kids. We had a great time together, took trips, had plenty of funds and no need to have a child.

Then it hit her at age 33. The absolute, overwhelming, all-encompassing desire to have a child dominated everything about our relationship, our lives and her thoughts for more than 2 years. Men aren't capable of understanding this phenomenon.

We were both miserable, stressed and worried sick this whole time. That was magnified due to 2 mis-carriages. Horrid times.

Fast-forward 12 years: My son is wonderful, talented, funny, smart and good-looking. All parents say that about their kids......

Becoming a father is the absolute best thing in the world. Nothing has changed me as much or taught me as much in my life. As others have said, until you are a "brother" in the fraternity of fatherhood, you won't understand just how fantastic kids are.

There simply is no greater joy than being hubby and daddy and it gets better every year. Unbelieveably challenging and rewarding to be a parent.

Besides, you just might not have a choice in the matter as your woman gets older.

DaddyMcSlack

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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Having said that, our verdict is not final, we've still got enough time to change our minds if we wanted to (We're 30 and 26). But I can't really see me changing in that regard. We never wanted any kids at any stage during our lives. Never say never, though.


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Women reach a point in their lives where the NEED to bear a child is overwhelming and non-negotiable. A woman under the age of 28 isn't anywhere near the person she will be at age 32 and tick-tick-tick syndrome sets in.

My wife and I never really considered having kids. We had a great time together, took trips, had plenty of funds and no need to have a child.

Then it hit her at age 33. The absolute, overwhelming, all-encompassing desire to have a child dominated everything about our relationship, our lives and her thoughts for more than 2 years. Men aren't capable of understanding this phenomenon.

We were both miserable, stressed and worried sick this whole time. That was magnified due to 2 mis-carriages. Horrid times.

Fast-forward 12 years: My son is wonderful, talented, funny, smart and good-looking. All parents say that about their kids......

Becoming a father is the absolute best thing in the world. Nothing has changed me as much or taught me as much in my life. As others have said, until you are a "brother" in the fraternity of fatherhood, you won't understand just how fantastic kids are.

There simply is no greater joy than being hubby and daddy and it gets better every year. Unbelieveably challenging and rewarding to be a parent.

Besides, you just might not have a choice in the matter as your woman gets older.

DaddyMcSlack

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QFT, especially the part about the biological clock thing.

You know that part in When Harry Met Sally where Sally's just found out that her ex-bf is getting married and she's sobbing to Harry? This exchange occurs:

Sally [sobbing]: And I'm gonna be 40...
Harry: When?
Sally [sobbing]: Someday...
Harry: 8 years!
Sally: Yes, but it's OUT THERE...

My wife says this is the single most accurate insight into the mind of a 32-year-old woman she's ever seen. Many women fear being childless at age 40 with the same intensity that men fear death. No joke.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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We also don't really like kids. We don't hate them, but neither do we get all coochie-coochie-coo when we see a cute kid covered in chocolate ice cream with a huge smile on its face. It's a great sight, no doubt, but it doesn't make us want one for ourselves.

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I had no interest in anyone else's kids (and I still don't). There is something very different when it is your own.


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We're also too selfish to give up our dream of living as expats in several different countries - something that we've been working towards since we were in our teens. If we had a kid, we couldn't continue that life style but would have to settle eventually.

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This is a very good point, and it doesn't make you selfish. Live your life out, do what you dreamed of doing. I always knew I wanted kids, and I love being a dad. There are definitely huge sacrifices that my wife and I are making, but this is something we want to do together.

The real truth is that people who don't have kids really don't know what they are missing. That isn't a negative comment, I mean that very literally. They just don't know.

I think the most important thing is to be able to look back on the life-changing decisions that you make and realize that they have made you into the person you are. Hopefully you'll be happy in the end with your choices. There are plenty of miserable couples both with and without children. Don't be one of them and you are way ahead of the game.

Re: Having kids, pros and cons?
 

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Having said that, our verdict is not final, we've still got enough time to change our minds if we wanted to (We're 30 and 26). But I can't really see me changing in that regard. We never wanted any kids at any stage during our lives. Never say never, though.


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Women reach a point in their lives where the NEED to bear a child is overwhelming and non-negotiable. A woman under the age of 28 isn't anywhere near the person she will be at age 32 and tick-tick-tick syndrome sets in.
...
Besides, you just might not have a choice in the matter as your woman gets older.

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When I was around 26 I was living with my then gf of 30, she had exactly that "ticking". So, I think I know what you went through. Needless to say that was the reason for me breaking it off eventually after countless fights & beggings.

I won't let me get pushed into getting a kid if I don't want to have one myself. If push comes to shove, I'd rather give up the relationship than trying to "save" it by having a baby that I don't want. I understand that a part of that may be considered "natural", but I refuse to give up the life style that I want and can achieve.