the musings of an addict
 

cliffs notes at the bottom, folks

it all began quite mundanely. i think the first things that really engrossed me were MUDs. remember those? text-based multiplayer games based off D&D, to put it simply. good times. i was 13 or 14, i didn't socialize very well, i was very intelligent, and MUDs were entertaining.

this is a story about addiction, and that's where it starts. it'll take all the fun twists and turns, through cocaine and crystal meth, to sex, relationships, etc. but it starts at MUDs.

in most cases, its not been about identifying an addiction and actively fighting it; the actual object of the addiction is of less importance than the addiction itself. lately its been marijuana, or civ4, or sex. it kinda runs in blocks. my coke and meth blocks were relatively short, compared to other people's, but they had a profound impact on my life.

relationships are also a pretty big factor in this whole scheme of things. i tend to get tied down because i tend to obsess. i'm attractive, i'm good with women, and yet i still end up desparetly seeking relationships. im not sure if its for validation purposes, or because i like to direct huge amounts of energy at ONE thing at a time, or what, but this happens, and i throw myself full force at some chick, and by the time i tire out, she's hooked, we're together, and i'm in a relationship for awhile. bleh.

i'm almost 22 years old, and i've been "in love" a couple times. i've said it - and meant it - to three seperate girls. i've said it to others, because they wanted to hear it... and i didn't feel good about it. those loves were periods of insanely intense emotion, followed by a drop-off that was pretty sharp. this "love" isnt always short, either... one relationship lasted 1.5 years. the others were like 3 and 5 months. i said it first all 3 times.

i've had serious fights with cocaine and crystal meth, when i was nineteen years old. i went from one to another, and then finally snapped out of it when two friends of mine died, in seperate incidents. one was drug related, one wasnt. both changed my life. i woke up, i cleaned up, i moved on. the drugs had replaced the hole in my heart that love #2 left when she broke up with me. while i recovered - with the help of one trusted friend who'd seen me through all of this and kept trying to stop me the entire time - i sweated and dreamt of the drugs. but i got over it. and after i startd telling my friends and family about it, i often heard, "oh, yeah, i thought something was really wrong with you." but they never once said anything to me about it. im not blaming anybody; far from it, i take full responsiblity for my actions. but there was a chance i would have listened, and instead they just told themselves there was nothing they could do, or they ignored the signs. im sure it was obvious.

its been everquest, starcraft, anarchy online... its been cigarettes, when i was in the marines and we smoked cuz that's what you did in the marines. recently its been weed again, and now its a new girl. but i'm not gonna get wrapped up in her. smoke a few bowls and move on. but the sex is really, really good...

and so it goes.

tonight will be dirty vodka martinis, weed and good friends. maybe i'll find someone to hook up with.

and then onto the next addiction.

cliffs notes: this ended up a whole lot more rambling than i thought it would... uh: i've smoked meth, snorted coke, fallen in love 3 times, and im not sure what's next. just read it.

i apologize for the rambling nature of this post; i expected it to have more structure than it does. i'm stoned, but i've read it twice and it makes sense to me. i'd appreciate your thoughts.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

I agree that weed is great.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

Obsession turned the right way can lead to great achievement. Few people became great at anything without getting seriously obsessed with it. For most people, it's probably even necessary for high achievement.

But if you whore it out to any old thing, it becomes a liability.

Sounds like your ideal job might be very project oriented, so you can go nuts on it, rather than one of those day in day out the same jobs that are more about being just good enough combined with just showing up. There's something invigorating to an obsessive type about going balls to the wall on projects and looking for the triumph, and crushing about feeling that what he does has no beginning, middle, or end, and putting in extra effort and thought won't lead to any better results or any personal or professional growth. You might want to keep in mind looking for jobs that cater to your tendencies rather than smother them or render them unnecessary.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

[ QUOTE ]
Obsession turned the right way can lead to great achievement. Few people became great at anything without getting seriously obsessed with it. For most people, it's probably even necessary for high achievement.

But if you whore it out to any old thing, it becomes a liability.

Sounds like your ideal job might be very project oriented, so you can go nuts on it, rather than one of those day in day out the same jobs that are more about being just good enough combined with just showing up. There's something invigorating to an obsessive type about going balls to the wall on projects and looking for the triumph, and crushing about feeling that what he does has no beginning, middle, or end, and putting in extra effort and thought won't lead to any better results or any personal or professional growth. You might want to keep in mind looking for jobs that cater to your tendencies rather than smother them or render them unnecessary.

[/ QUOTE ]

Im just like the OP, although Ive never had too much of a drug problem, other than booze and weed. I obsess. If I have a hobby or interest I take it too far, and then it becomes all consuming, its really not healthy, dont know how to stop it though. Its been everything from food, lifting, poker and computers, to booze, weed, sex, and clothes. I dont think that any of this is healthy, even if you are obsessed w/ something that is "good" for you. Dunno, maybe I do need a project oriented job.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

You should get into building websites. Do it for fun and as a way of expressing your obvious creative side. If you get some real traffic you can also make money with goggle ads. This could be an obsession that could turn lucrative.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

Re: the musings of an addict
 

[ QUOTE ]
Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

[/ QUOTE ]
Did you just fall in love for the 4th time?

Re: the musings of an addict
 

My love for Blarg is the unrequited type...

Re: the musings of an addict
 

Well, physically, yeah.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

This belongs on a blog, not polluting OOT

Re: the musings of an addict
 

mr funnie,

my apologies for intruding on your forum.

sincerely,
yasher

Re: the musings of an addict
 

[ QUOTE ]
Sounds like your ideal job might be very project oriented, so you can go nuts on it, rather than one of those day in day out the same jobs that are more about being just good enough combined with just showing up. There's something invigorating to an obsessive type about going balls to the wall on projects and looking for the triumph, and crushing about feeling that what he does has no beginning, middle, or end, and putting in extra effort and thought won't lead to any better results or any personal or professional growth. You might want to keep in mind looking for jobs that cater to your tendencies rather than smother them or render them unnecessary.

[/ QUOTE ]

I just realized this is why I like my job so much. As usual, a great analysis, Blarg.

bk

Re: the musings of an addict
 

[ QUOTE ]
Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

[/ QUOTE ]

Blarg,

You seem to always have a sound analysis of pretty much everything in OOT. I'm just curious, what's your story? If it's posted somewhere I apologize, I don't feel like looking through 12k posts to find it. (Although I'm sure I'd learn quite a bit doing so.)

-Craig

Re: the musings of an addict
 

Preface: This is gonna be long. I’ll give some background info about myself (probably too much) and then state what I have concluded mainly through self-analysis, but also through observing others. Hopefully some of this will interest at least the OP, if noone else.


I hear you buddy! Your personality sounds a lot like my own.

I had my stint playing MUDs starting in my first year of uni, setting up some very bad study habits. For me it wasn't to the exclusion of socializing but studying; I would miss lectures and tutorials to play. I have always been on the obsessive side when it comes to gaming, particularly with RPG type games. I also gave Counter-Strike a good thrashing a few years back.

Substances are an interesting situation for me. I started smoking weed reasonably regularly in my final year of high school (good timing, I know), and so began my underachieving academically. It wasn't that I couldn't cope with school work, just that I would rather avoid doing it in favour of hanging out with friends and getting ripped. I also tried speed and LSD a couple of times that year. I still got good enough grades to get into uni.

So, soon after getting to uni I got stuck into a MUD called Turf, and was smoking weed daily. As mentioned, it was my studies that suffered though, not my social life. I also expanded my experimenting with substances to include meth, e, and shrooms. The interesting thing is that while I smoked weed obsessively I restricted my other intakes to once a month or so (on average) without a problem. Also, I've never been a big drinker. Women I could easily get obsessed with, but it unfortunately didn't work the other way around. I didn't relate to the ladies too well back then, and that didn't change 'til my early 20's.

So time marched on 'til roughly 5 years back when I met my now wife. I had deferred uni a little earlier to try to get my [censored] together, hadn't got my [censored] together really, and never went back to uni (had a full time job, liked the money etc.). So strangely enough my future wife came from a fairly religious background, though she knew the full extent of my extra-curricular activities. I stayed totally straight for the first couple of months that we were together, until one fateful day she told me wanted to try weed! Cutting to the point, within 6 months we were both smoking weed daily. I had also convinced her to try other stuff, leading to some of the best times I've ever had. This was like rediscovering drugs all over again for me, because there was a whole new range of experiences to be had, and with someone that I was in love with.

So whilst there have been others, my main vice is weed. The crux of the problem is that I really like it, I tend to be a bit obsessive about things I really like AND the fact that I can still function fairly effectively when I smoke it daily. The main immediate negative effect is to my motivation, and the more that time passes the more I’m considering the long-term health effects. My main motivation-related regret is that I’m not in a higher paying job (I should be), something I aim to fix this year. That said, we have managed to organise a wedding and have a house built in the last few years, so it’s not like the time has been a write off.

So my annoyance with myself on the motivation front built up over the last few years, partly due to the amount of time I had smoked for, and also because of the growing number of things I needed to get done that were being put off. The major project was the landscaping at my house. So, a little over 6 months ago my wife and I decided to cut back smoking to weekends only. We made a serious commitment to help each other do this. Apart from a few exceptions like when we’ve gone to see bands, we have not caved in at all. We’re quite happy with the outcome and our major motivation, the landscaping, is nearing completion.

So it’s about time for my conclusion(s) about this type of behaviour. I don’t think this type of behaviour is necessarily a problem, and as Blarg noted it can be used for “good” as well as “evil”. Anyone with this type of personality needs to learn to be honest with themselves about the effects (both on themselves and others) of their compulsive behaviour, particularly where drugs are concerned. Honesty about what you want out of life and whether you’re getting it is important too. Personally I’m not a career driven person and prefer to focus on my life outside of work (though I do work hard at my job when required and couldn’t put up with a boring job). With that in mind I don’t mind that I have sacrificed achieving my full career potential to smoke a lot of weed etc. and get obsessed about a few things I enjoy doing in my free time. I find there is a strange attraction to getting absorbed in something a little compulsively. Basically yasher, and anyone else with a similar personality, if you are happy like this and not upsetting people around you (within reason), then I say obsess on! If you are unhappy with something you're currently obsessed with, then be honest with yourself and take steps to change the situation.


DISCLAIMER: I'm definitely not recommending everyone get stuck into drugs, especially the harder ones.

Re: the musings of an addict
 

While I've never done drugs I spent about 5-6 years addicted to a MUD (Realms of Despair). I did however meet my now wife of 5 years there so I can't complain [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Re: the musings of an addict
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

[/ QUOTE ]

Blarg,

You seem to always have a sound analysis of pretty much everything in OOT. I'm just curious, what's your story? If it's posted somewhere I apologize, I don't feel like looking through 12k posts to find it. (Although I'm sure I'd learn quite a bit doing so.)

-Craig

[/ QUOTE ]

I dunno, never written it except in random pieces as it seemed appropriate or to have something to do with some subject at hand. Just a dude who usually multi-tables at a hopelessly break-even level while checking OOT to help keep himself somewhat sane. Some of my talents are clearly greater than others, unfortunately. Thanks for the kind word, and PM me if you wanna yack so I don't wind up hijacking the thread.