Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I am attempting to advise a good friend on a developing relationship he is having with a girl he's crazy about. They currently spend about 5-6 nights per week together but have separate places. They both are talking very seriously about moving in together. The difference of opinion however lies in the issue of being engaged. While my friend definitely foresees marrying this girl if things continue to progress at the rate they have (they've been together a little under a year), he's not sure he wants to go out and buy a ring just now. She, on the other hand, has said there is no rush to get engaged, but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

OOT's thoughts on this? Clearly he has to respect her wishes, but is she being unreasonable?

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Good for her. Moving in too early can really slow things down and can result in one of those horrible relationships were the couple is together forever, but never gets married. Inertia is a bitch.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well they spend entire weekends together and sleep over almost every other night of the week. So in many ways they already are living together, or at least they are getting a feel for it.

I don't think she's being unreasonable. A lot of guys hold out on their girlfriends once they move in after having wrongfully used swift engagement as a carrot for the move-in. Locking down the ring prior to the move-in is actually a wise play for the girl, so long as she doesn't give an ultimatum on time. If he wants to wait a year or two before moving in, fine, but no move-in without a ring.

I don't think this is all that unreasonable personally.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

If you cant live together, you shouldnt be engaged.

If you live together in bliss then the ring will follow.

I think its worse to insist on a ring without any short term intentions of marrying someone. I mean i dunno how close your friend and his bird are, but if it goes wrong when they live together they arent going to marry anyway.

I consider engagement to be a short term step before marriage. Though i openly admit ive never been in a relationship that has neared that stage.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I'd certainly agree with that sentiment, Phil (engagement = short step to marriage), I also agree with your first statement. However, "If you live together in bliss then the ring will follow." I don't think that this statement follows the first. First of all, "living in bliss" is a dream - doesn't happen for most of us. Second, when you're ready to get married you should be pretty confident that you can live with the girl no matter if you've lived together or not. You should know her, love her, and be confident that whatever hurdles or difficulties you two encounter, you can get through them together.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well they spend entire weekends together and sleep over almost every other night of the week. So in many ways they already are living together, or at least they are getting a feel for it.


[/ QUOTE ]

Trap,

You are young and naive. Weekends are far from cohabitation.

With that said, it depends so much on the people. A blanket statement is not possible. I view cohabitation as a step on the way to marriage. Many disagree and they are not wrong, just different.

J

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
I am attempting to advise a good friend on a developing relationship he is having with a girl he's crazy about. They currently spend about 5-6 nights per week together but have separate places. They both are talking very seriously about moving in together. The difference of opinion however lies in the issue of being engaged. While my friend definitely foresees marrying this girl if things continue to progress at the rate they have (they've been together a little under a year), he's not sure he wants to go out and buy a ring just now. She, on the other hand, has said there is no rush to get engaged, but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

OOT's thoughts on this? Clearly he has to respect her wishes, but is she being unreasonable?

[/ QUOTE ]


Seems like she enjoys the freedom of having her own place.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I don't think that the girl is rushing him into anything. She has made her point of view very clear, and she isn't jumping at the opportunity to move in either. It seems to me that they are both being relatively mature about the whole situation; she is sticking to her guns about not cohabiting before being engaged (I don't think there's anything wrong with not cohabiting before marriage, either), and he isn't putting a ring on her finger just to have someone to do the dishes.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Wow, nothing says romance like forcing the dude into getting a ring.

That being said some close friends of mine dated for 4 years before getting hitched. She wouldn't move in until they were married. This was more to ease her parent's minds though and all parties were fine with it as they were both pursuing academic careers and new jobs.

So...why rush it? I'm sure they can manage to date a while longer and see how it goes.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

My girlfriend is demanding a ring; we live together. The relationship is strained because of this. I work a lot (60-80 hours a week in the office), it's the #1 priority right now, not sure I want to commit to being married, etc.

Being able to resolve this problem while not living together would be a lot easier than if we hadn't already moved in together. She doesn't like living with me while we're not engaged, apparently.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Here's what happened with me:

GF said no way to living together without being married. Being engaged didn't even count. So I said, fine, wtf, lets get married then. I was 21. We've been married 12 years. Our 13th is in a month.

You don't wait for the right one. You pick the one and make it right.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I agree with the chick.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
Clearly he has to respect her wishes, but is she being unreasonable?

[/ QUOTE ]

No.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Many jewelry stores now have a "If she says no poilcy, you may return the ring". Buy the ring, discover she leaves the toilet lid down and refuses to recap the toothpaste then return the ring.

Jimbo

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Jimbo,

Nothing wrong with her leaving the toilet seat down, ive just never got that 'we' arent allowed to leave it up.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

The girl in this situation is being too demanding.

There is nothing wrong with moving in without being engaged. In fact, even though they apparently spend 6 out of 7 nights a week together, moving in might find out some little problems in their relationship that they otherwise wouldn't know about until they are engaged, if she has her way.

There is two options here for the dude - 1) convince her to move in together without getting engaged but reassure the girl that this doesn't mean he won't marry her in the future and he certainly still does love her, or 2) don't move in. Getting engaged should not be an option here.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
The girl in this situation is being too demanding.

[/ QUOTE ]
How? She's said that there's no rush to get engaged.

It's one thing if she threatens to dump him if he doesn't propose. It's another thing entirely to say they shouldn't live together unless they're engaged.

There's no one answer here, it'll vary based on the couple. She's being perfectly reasonable here though. And it's just as reasonable for him to not propose.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

trapsetter,

Have you ever lived with a gf? There's a pretty big difference between spending weekends together and living together.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

[/ QUOTE ]

I understand that she said there is no rush to get engaged. This is good. What isn't good is her not realising that moving in could only be good for the relationship - there are absolutely no negatives to come out of moving in prior to getting engaged - there are only a crapload of positives.

My take anyway.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
I am attempting to advise a good friend on a developing relationship he is having with a girl he's crazy about. They currently spend about 5-6 nights per week together but have separate places. They both are talking very seriously about moving in together. The difference of opinion however lies in the issue of being engaged. While my friend definitely foresees marrying this girl if things continue to progress at the rate they have (they've been together a little under a year), he's not sure he wants to go out and buy a ring just now. She, on the other hand, has said there is no rush to get engaged, but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

[/ QUOTE ]

Just dont talk about moving in again. If hes not sure about getting engaged yet, and she wont budge on this, its seems kind of pointless. Or if she mentions not moving in without a ring (especially if you didnt bring it up) dont fight her, just say "Ah you're so cute" turn back to watching whatever movie you were watching and dont bring it up again.

I didnt say this is good advice, Id just like to see something like that go down. Then again, it depends how unreasonable she is in other areas, does she budge or comprimise a lot, or is she the type that always puts her foot down...if shes the latter, then I like the above advice. But since shes not rushed about getting engaged, which is good, the above is probably best remained a social experiement Id like to see in action.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
You don't wait for the right one. You pick the one and make it right.

[/ QUOTE ]
QFMFT

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
Wow, nothing says romance like forcing the dude into getting a ring.


[/ QUOTE ]

She's not forcing him to do anything. She just doesn't want to move in with him unless they are engaged.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Wow, nothing says romance like forcing the dude into getting a ring.


[/ QUOTE ]

She's not forcing him to do anything. She just doesn't want to move in with him unless they are engaged.

[/ QUOTE ]

"I'm in no hurry to get engaged" and "I'm not moving in without being engaged" sounds like polite-speak for "I'm not as far along in this relationship as you are."

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

This is a goofy discussion with a lot of people projecting their own values/needs/wants onto somebody else who obvious doesn't think the same way.

Personally, I think living together before getting married is probably a good idea, but I'm not going to try and suggest that that's the only way things should be done.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Dids has absolutely nailed what I've been meaning to say for the past 24 hours, but have been too drunk to do so.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

My girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot lately. She doesn't want to move in together before then and I agree with her view on the subject. The moving in for the first time is part of the new adventure of a married couple. Otherwise there is no real difference then one day you both came back with new jewelry on, not that special.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot lately. She doesn't want to move in together before then and I agree with her view on the subject. The moving in for the first time is part of the new adventure of a married couple. Otherwise there is no real difference then one day you both came back with new jewelry on, not that special.

[/ QUOTE ]

Too funny coming out of the mouth of a single dude.

WTF do people feel the need to constantly talk out of their ass about [censored] they do not know anything about.

J

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend is demanding a ring; we live together. The relationship is strained because of this. I work a lot (60-80 hours a week in the office), it's the #1 priority right now, not sure I want to commit to being married, etc.

Being able to resolve this problem while not living together would be a lot easier than if we hadn't already moved in together. She doesn't like living with me while we're not engaged, apparently.

[/ QUOTE ]

kyleb, no offense, but everything you've written about your GF makes me think you need a different GF. She must be an incredible [censored] for you to stay with her.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend is demanding a ring; we live together. The relationship is strained because of this. I work a lot (60-80 hours a week in the office), it's the #1 priority right now, not sure I want to commit to being married, etc.

Being able to resolve this problem while not living together would be a lot easier than if we hadn't already moved in together. She doesn't like living with me while we're not engaged, apparently.

[/ QUOTE ]

kyleb, no offense, but everything you've written about your GF makes me think you need a different GF. She must be an incredible [censored] for you to stay with her.

[/ QUOTE ]

I was kinda thinking the same, but upon reading this I have decided that she must actually be kinda awesome, and kyle just never talks about the good stuff.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

there is something sickening about the way some women try to put pressure on a guy to commit to them.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

my last GF wanted a ring before I moved in. she broke up with me before I got around to buying it.

true story.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I don't even know why we are discussing these two people because they are going to do what they want to regardless.

I'm not really a fan of shelling out advice, I am lucky when I figure out my own life, never mind telling other people what I think they should do with theirs.

Think back to a relationship you've had that others might not have agreed with. If anything, when people don't support me, it only distances me from them because I don't want to constantly hear the [censored]. You want to have a good time in their presence, not constantly talk about what they think is best for you.
No amount of advice will affect them, they are adults, they can figure it out.
If they [censored] up, oh well, it happens.

I don't think she is being unreasonable, she may have different morals and values then a lot of us but that doesn't make her unreasonable.
Not sure I could personally do it her way, but hey, different relationships make it work different ways.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Huge difference between "I want a ring before I move in, but no rush" and "I want a ring before I move in and I want it right now".

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

Standard girl play. I agree with her too. I do not plan on moving in with my girlfriend prior to marriage.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I don't see anything unreasonable about her stance at all. Now, of course it's possible that she's using this as leverage to get engaged sooner, and obviously that's bad, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. She's in no hurry to move in with him, and why should she be?

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I think she's being very reasonable. Then again, I don't believe people should live together before they're married. Then again, I don't believe in pre-marital sex, so what do I know?

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

I think this is standard girl procedure to ensure that they get engaged eventually. If a guy had no real desire to get married, he'd have no incentive if they were living together. It takes a big leap of faith for a girl to move in with a guy.

Another reason is it emotionally protects the girl in case they break up. Moving in together is like one more big commitment getting closer to the person, and if the guy isn't ready to commit, some girls aren't ready to make that leap.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

My then-girlfriend moved in back in October, we got engaged in early March. Personally, I'm of the mindset that you SHOULD live with someone prior to being engaged or at least prior to being married because determining whether or not you CAN live together well is pretty freaking important when it comes to the rest of your lives.

When she moved in, we were already pretty sure we were heading towards eventual engagement/marriage, but we didn't really start talking seriously about that until December/January.

My fiancee is amazingly reasonable, though, she probably isn't the norm for the gender when it comes to these things.

Re: Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage a lot lately. She doesn't want to move in together before then and I agree with her view on the subject. The moving in for the first time is part of the new adventure of a married couple. Otherwise there is no real difference then one day you both came back with new jewelry on, not that special.

[/ QUOTE ]

Too funny coming out of the mouth of a single dude.

WTF do people feel the need to constantly talk out of their ass about [censored] they do not know anything about.

J

[/ QUOTE ]

i dunno, that sounds pretty spot on to me. granted i am not married, but i do have a few married friends that i know would agree