\"He has to like her more\"
 

I always hear people say this, that is, the guy HAS TO like the girl more than the girl likes the guy for the relationship to work. I understand that it's partially because guys are much more likely to cheat. Also, it seems for some girls basically all that they need is for the guy to be completely in love with them for a relationship to work, but for guys, this doesn't seem to be enough.

I've definitely seen this play out in most real-life relationships; at best there seems to be an equal amount of "like" between the two people, at worst the guy is a slobbering puppy dog when the girl is around.

I know I'm generalizing and of course there are a million other factors that go into a successful relationship, but is this generally a true statement?

DN

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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guys are much more likely to cheat.

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sometimes I wonder if this is just a lie we tell ourselves.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

I think it's exactly the opposite, dude. How many threads does OOT have where some guy is posting about a failed relationship, esp. early in the relationship, in which he let himself fall too hard for some chick and she got scared off or tired of him? Why do you think jerks get chicks?

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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guys are much more likely to cheat.

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sometimes I wonder if this is just a lie we tell ourselves.

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I think we're more likely to get caught/brag about cheating.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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I think it's exactly the opposite

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True dat. Women hate needy guys. They want to be the needy ones

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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Why do you think jerks get chicks?

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I always hear people say this, that is, the guy HAS TO like the girl more than the girl likes the guy for the relationship to work.

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Wook - what % of the relationships "jerks" are in with chicks do you think are working out well?

DN - I think this is not necessarily true "feeling" wise, but from a female perception standpoint (meaning how the girl looks at the relationship) I think it's important because yes, girls are needier and they need to feel that the guy is incented to stick around.

-Al

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

OP,

I think you're confusing a working relationship with a girl walking all over a guy.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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guys are much more likely to cheat.

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sometimes I wonder if this is just a lie we tell ourselves.

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I want to say there are studies which suggest women cheat as much or more than men. Maybe someone ambitious can research this. I am sure there have been sociology or psychology studies on this exact issue.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Deez,

Hmmmm... I've actually never heard that.

I've always thought that one person liking the other person more than they are liked back is the recipe for a relationship that won't work.

Obviously there's rarely a 100% match, but I think the best relationships are all people who like each other more or less to the same degree.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

I am talking more about LTRs and marriage.

I would say that in the majority of the weddings I've been to, the guy unequivocally loves the girl more(at least from what info I am privy to). I think this may be a cultural thing, it seems to be pretty common in asian relationships.

DN

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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I think this may be a cultural thing, it seems to be pretty common in asian relationships.

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Was just about to post something along these lines - the actual manifestation of the "guy liking the girl more" I've seen mainly in Asian relationships.

I still think, on some level, the guy being more into the chick can be good for a working relationship for reasons I noted above.

One drunken night several months ago, my female friend posed the question to a group of us - "which would you prefer, being more in love with your significant other, or vice versa?" The answers and reasoning were very varied, I was surprised.

-Al

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Al,

What was your answer?

I like it when the person is more in love with me because I'm a bit of a control freak and somewhat chickensh*t when it comes to relationships. I like that edge to be tiny, though, it gets super-boring if the difference is more than a little.

When it comes to marriage, though, I'm a romantic and have an idea of both of us being completely and absolutely in love with each other, both at infinity love!

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

[ QUOTE ]

I like it when the person is more in love with me because I'm a bit of a control freak and somewhat chickensh*t when it comes to relationships. I like that edge to be tiny, though, it gets super-boring if the difference is more than a little.


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Yeah, it's a tough balance, isn't it? That's the main problem I've found with Italian chicks, they tend to super-worship you. And I immediately get super-bored.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

All the relationships I've been in, I've felt that the girl was more into me than vice-versa, and yes, it becomes extremely boring after a while.

My friends think that once it goes the other way, I'm a goner, but I can't imagine that happening, although I secretly hope it will.

DN

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
I am talking more about LTRs and marriage.

I would say that in the majority of the weddings I've been to, the guy unequivocally loves the girl more(at least from what info I am privy to). I think this may be a cultural thing, it seems to be pretty common in asian relationships.

DN

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In my personal limited sample-size, I always find that it's the girl that ramps up her feelings pretty quickly during the relationship process and I have to play catch-up. But once the relationship has stabilized, I've never heard of "he has to like her more".

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Here's the thing.

She has to be really into you, or there is no relationship to begin with. It'll either fizzle out quickly, or you'll think you're in a relationship while she pretty much just tries to avoid you.

You have to be really into her or you'll start hooking up with other chicks. The exception to this is if you're a troll, but even then the relationship will suck because you'll still wish you were doing better.

So ultimately, like Diablo said, it needs to be reasonably close to equal. If it's very long term though, expect moderate fluctuations from time to time.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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[ QUOTE ]

I like it when the person is more in love with me because I'm a bit of a control freak and somewhat chickensh*t when it comes to relationships. I like that edge to be tiny, though, it gets super-boring if the difference is more than a little.


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Yeah, it's a tough balance, isn't it? That's the main problem I've found with Italian chicks, they tend to super-worship you. And I immediately get super-bored.

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In answering the hypothetical - I would personally choose to be more into the chick - part of it is because I'd get bored if she's more into me (I've noticed for myself the discrepancy doesn't have to be that great for boredom to set in). Also the idea that I'm with someone who is so amazing, I'm ok with this dynamic.

Practically speaking though, I think it makes more sense to afford yourself more control.

I've always had good balance in my relationships - though it ebbed and flowed alot, the power dyanamic. My guess is that's true for most relationships.

-Al

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

This is just a general comment, but I figured it was worth saying. At least in my experience, I have gotten into long term relationships somewhat out of convenience. The girls who I become serious with are really the ones who make it easy for me in the beginning. They usually do this because they have a crush or whatever.

It's way harder to get into a long term relationship with an unknown girl who you find attractive than it is to get into one with a girl who shows interest in you. I think this is why a lot of guys feel like they have always been the more-loved one. This is how I feel as well. I have always been the one to end my long term relationships - maybe I don't even start them if I think there's a chance they may end any other way.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

actually in my experience, and i have quite a bit of it, things have alot better chance of working out if the girl likes you more. like diablo said, any healthy relationship is going to have both parties really digging on each other equally.

honestly, the second a woman realizes she can get her way with you or run over you, its curtains. especially if its a good looking woman, because now you ve just crossed over into the group that includes 99 percent of the rest of the men on the planet

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Yeah I'm going to have to say that the people who both really really love each other to a ridiculous extent are doomed. That sort of emotional involvement leads to a ton of variance in the relationship, and they might find themselves in blowouts that they can't get through.

So, I think the "like" has to be equal, and it has to be a reasonable amount. If the partner can do no wrong, then they will do all sorts of wrong but you won't see it until it manifests itself in a huge fight.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

I think that that statment might be true at the start of a relationship, possibly if the girl is having reservations or is a cautious person. But, that being said, that could go either way.

In the long run, good relationships are always in flux. There may be a time when someone 'likes' the partner more or is more sympathetic or supportive. This may flip with time, as need be.

It turns me off when someone is gaga for me. Seems too clingy and needy, especially at the start of the dating process. Makes me suspicious and I kick hard against them to have my own space.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
I always hear people say this, that is, the guy HAS TO like the girl more than the girl likes the guy for the relationship to work.

[/ QUOTE ]
Makes 100% no sense to me, and having a guy more invested than a woman is more likely to result in a woman getting some action on the side.
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I understand that it's partially because guys are much more likely to cheat.

[/ QUOTE ]
Women cheat a lot, and it's much easier for them.
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I've definitely seen this play out in most real-life relationships; at best there seems to be an equal amount of "like" between the two people, at worst the guy is a slobbering puppy dog when the girl is around.

[/ QUOTE ]
I agree, but that seems to indicate an equal amount of commitment, not the guy having more.

In terms of generalizations, a lot of the blending of gender roles in the name of equality tends to lead to a lot more [censored] up relationships and far fewer happy people, IMO.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
I think it's exactly the opposite, dude. How many threads does OOT have where some guy is posting about a failed relationship, esp. early in the relationship, in which he let himself fall too hard for some chick and she got scared off or tired of him? Why do you think jerks get chicks?

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with Wookie...I also agree with the prior poster who referenced that the whole "men cheat more than women" thing is a lie (or at least an outdated concept, especially in the US). Women these days in America have a lot more options and expect a whole lot more than they did in the 60s -70s when they pretty much were just looking to get married and career opportunities were nowhere near as big as they are today (hrmmmpppp...what a joke, career opportunities - by and large careers suck today in the US). So I think as a result they cheat as much as guys for sure it's just that TV/Hollywood and the general public don't show it as much as the traditional cheating used to be all about the guy.

Also, I think historically women have just been a whole lot better at keeping a secret and so it's always been a little closer than the numbers would actually suggest.

Edit: wow that was my 999th post almost at 1000!

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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All the relationships I've been in, I've felt that the girl was more into me than vice-versa, and yes, it becomes extremely boring after a while.

My friends think that once it goes the other way, I'm a goner, but I can't imagine that happening, although I secretly hope it will.

DN

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Take it from me, the other way around just sucks.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

I really cant imagine being into a girl more then she was into me. It just doesnt seem possible. For me, a big part of loving someone comes from them loving you first, and the responsibility of that.

Of course, when I was 13 or 14 I would get obsessed with girls and think I was in love with them and stuff like that without ever touching or even talking to them. To me, the idea of some guy being more into the girl sounds pretty much like this.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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Al,

What was your answer?

I like it when the person is more in love with me because I'm a bit of a control freak and somewhat chickensh*t when it comes to relationships. I like that edge to be tiny, though, it gets super-boring if the difference is more than a little.

When it comes to marriage, though, I'm a romantic and have an idea of both of us being completely and absolutely in love with each other, both at infinity love!

[/ QUOTE ]

El D, you stated my thoughts on the subject exactly.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Where is the evidence that American women cheat as much as men? I often hear this being mentioned, but where is it coming from? A survey?

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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guys are much more likely to cheat.

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sometimes I know this is just a lie. Men get caught more.

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Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

I really have never heard about what the OP is talking about, Ive never had a really serious relationship, but never have I been more in love with a chick than she is w/ me. Fortunetly I know hard it is on the girl in this situation, even though Im completely honest with them, and wont ever put myself in a position like that.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

No.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad. most of the bad times were the result of one of us liking the other/being interested in the relationship a lot more than the other. the end result was we both cheated on each other and things were pretty horrible for both of us.

im now in a pretty serious relationship and ive always assumed that i love her/care a bit more than she does. now, that isn't to say i don't think she doesn't care about me/love me. but she knows if she called me up and wanted me to do a long, pain in the ass favor for her, i would, no questions asked. and i wouldn't be doing it because i felt obligated, or pressured, or id get some awesome sex later or something but because if it makes her happy, i want to do it.

but, the beauty of our relationship is that she doesn't ask me to do these things. she cares enough about me, respects me enough that she doesn't ask too much. then, the little things that i want to do for her are a pleasant surprise.

so i guess i think it works out ok. i always thought being in that position would be crazy/pussywhipped, etc. now i like it.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

it helps.

Just like for one night stand, it helps for guy to be better looking/cooler/ i.e. she 'likes' him more, otherwise they would be friends.

If two people are spending time together while not having sex (basically marriage or longterm deal) woman has upper hand and is gettin best of it. To balance this, she must also better hotter/more desired of two.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad. most of the bad times were the result of one of us liking the other/being interested in the relationship a lot more than the other. the end result was we both cheated on each other and things were pretty horrible for both of us.

im now in a pretty serious relationship and ive always assumed that i love her/care a bit more than she does. now, that isn't to say i don't think she doesn't care about me/love me. but she knows if she called me up and wanted me to do a long, pain in the ass favor for her, i would, no questions asked. and i wouldn't be doing it because i felt obligated, or pressured, or id get some awesome sex later or something but because if it makes her happy, i want to do it.

but, the beauty of our relationship is that she doesn't ask me to do these things. she cares enough about me, respects me enough that she doesn't ask too much. then, the little things that i want to do for her are a pleasant surprise.

so i guess i think it works out ok. i always thought being in that position would be crazy/pussywhipped, etc. now i like it.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is closer to what I am talking about. I didn't convey it correctly, which is my fault, but I'm not talking about someone being p-whipped or letting the other "walk all over them" or being clingy.

When there is an inequality, slight to moderate, it should be the guy liking the girl more for the relationship to work in the long run.

DN

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

tpf, Duke:

"ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad."

"Yeah I'm going to have to say that the people who both really really love each other to a ridiculous extent are doomed. That sort of emotional involvement leads to a ton of variance in the relationship, and they might find themselves in blowouts that they can't get through."

This describes most of my relationships from high school through about 25. Basically, I sought out all the most intense, drama-filled relationships I could, often with girls who had major problems in their lives.

As I got older, I realized that a lot of what I thought was love was just a love of excitement and started to seek out much more stable relationships. I think stable relationships where both people really care about each other are a lot harder, but when they work, they are great.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

DN,

This is more of an assumption for guys in their 20's whose friends fall in love and spend less time with the gang.

As for guys more likely to cheat, well who do you think guys cheat with? Only single girls?

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

pfunk (and subsequently dn),

loved your response! (plug for your gf is that she is hot and deserves to be in such a pleasant relationship).

i don't think i would ever exclusively be with someone who i wasn't positive liked me more then i liked them. this isn't to say that such affection couldn't develop into a mutual level of love for each other, but in the beginning there's no way i'd be comfortable unless i knew he was completely smitten.

a) i don't want to be hurt, and if he likes me more and it doesn't work out, then it's not going to be particularly hurtful

b) i do believe that people will naturally stray, but since women are more sentimental & tied into a relationship with children, social stigmas, etc., they're less likely to (or to be caught, depending on your opinion). if the man you're seeing believes he's reached the pinnacle of his dating career, he's going to do all he can to keep you.

c) just like pfunk said, it's having the comfort and security that whomever i'm dating would be willing to do insanely stupid things for me not because i needed them or i asked for them, but because they make me happy (liek buy a new shirt and tie because he's already worn all of his other ties to dances and i don't want the pictures to look the same, or drive long distances to go to a small boutique and find a specific dress i had offhandedly mentioned coveting but hadn't been able to find anywhere).

at the same time, if the relationship is truly unbalanced it obviously won't work. it is creepy when a boy cannot watch a movie because he is too busy staring at you.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

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it is creepy when a boy cannot watch a movie because he is too busy staring at you.

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Huh - learn something new every day.

Nice breakdown - I think what you've said explains DN's OP very well.

-Al

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

fluff,

"a) i don't want to be hurt, and if he likes me more and it doesn't work out, then it's not going to be particularly hurtful"

I'm almost the opposite. It often pains me much more to see someone else hurting badly than to be in pain myself. It's pretty much the worst feeling possible for me. I really do think I'd rather be left to deal with my own pain than to know I've caused that kind of pain in someone else.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

el d, dearest,

i completely see what you're saying. the thing is, i can trust myself not to get into a situation where i would be dating someone as a means to an end (say a boy getting into a relationship because he wants to have someone to sleep wiht on a regular basis). i won't know what someone else's intentions are until it's too late.

Re: \"He has to like her more\"
 

Women usually have a greater emotional stake in the relationship. I don't think the statement in the OP is necessarily true.

But I will say a guy has to have a major stake in the relationship for it to work long term. Basically you have an 18 month grace period before the endorphine induced sex fog wears off. Then you are just living day to day life.

If at that point a guy has it stuck in his head, that "[censored] I could do better than this any day of the week"... and has the attitude that he is "doing her a favor putting up with her [censored]"... then there will be trouble.

Basically a guy needs to be with a woman near the top of his range; who satisfies his basic needs. I don't just mean sexually although that plays a part. The needs differ for guys. Personally I like feeling appreciated, relevant, and I like to be heard. Along with the sex my present marriage fulfills those needs. I know I have it good and am not going to endanger my relationship on a whim.

Also another factor is men are kind of like dogs. Dogs like having something that other dogs want. Try this experiment.. take a puppy and put two toys in front of it, let it pick one, then start playing with the other one. Chances are the puppy will try to take the toy from you. So like dogs, men need to feel like other men might want "his woman"; that idea that other men want her... make her relative value increase (to the man she is with).

A final thing is your average looking woman has much more sexual options than your average looking guy. So because they have more opportunities for relationships both sexual and otherwise, they are better able to sort out what they really want in a long term relationship. I think this is a reason for the Hot Girl/Ugly Guy phenomena... the girl has found qualities she likes... and the guy has it good and knows it... so know way he is going to [censored] it up.

That's the way I see it... of course I am biased, because I happen to the Ugly guy in a Hot Girl/Ugly guy relationship.