SFW Joke Thread
 

A man walking along a British Columbia beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one desire."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several of my beautiful natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

There was a moment of silence...then The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

What's brown and sticky?

<font color="white">a stick</font>

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
What's brown and sticky?

<font color="white">a stick</font>

[/ QUOTE ]

Ill bite

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

What's that worthless thing around a Vagina called....


A women.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

What's the President of the Senate say to the SeaWorld dolphin?
answer in whtie:
<font color="white"> For what porpoise does the gentleman rise? </font>

[it may be lame but I wrote it myself.]

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
What's brown and sticky?

<font color="white">a stick</font>

[/ QUOTE ]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Skeleton walks into a bar. He says "gimme a beer and a mop"

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[/ QUOTE ]

In the middle of a good string of jokes this absolutely kills.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

A guys driving home from work. His wife calls him and says "be careful there's some crazy guy driving on the wrong side of the road". The guy says "Hell, 99 of them are!".

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

This is the only joke I can ever remember:

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Cause 7 8 9.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the
bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually, is quite impressed by his sensitive side.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"


She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,
how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,


looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from
the middle shelf."

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

What is the worse thing about eating a vegetable?














putting her back into the wheelchair

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
Skeleton walks into a bar. He says "gimme a beer and a mop"

[/ QUOTE ]

I laughed.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Skeleton walks into a bar. He says "gimme a beer and a mop"

[/ QUOTE ]

I laughed.

[/ QUOTE ]

yea, i got a nice smile out of it too...

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

what did the 0 say to the 8?




nice belt

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Grasshopper walks into a bar.


bartender says "We got a drink named after you fella!"

grasshopper says "You got a drink named Steve?"

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[/ QUOTE ]

thread killer

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[/ QUOTE ]

thread killer

[/ QUOTE ]

I'd give you a snappy comeback, but in hindsight, you may be right.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

what did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

<font color="white">DAM</font>

why does a chicken coop have two doors?

<font color="white">if it had four it would be a chicken sedan</font>

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[/ QUOTE ]

thread killer

[/ QUOTE ]

FU this joke rules.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[/ QUOTE ]

wow, this is awesome. A+

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
what did the 0 say to the 8?




nice belt

[/ QUOTE ]

LOL! I've never heard this one before. I love it.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

In a small town the bell ringer in the church quits.
The sexton advertises for a replacement. The first guy
who shows up has no arms.

"But...but..." the sexton says, "how can you...I mean
with your handicap?"

"Just watch," says the no-armed man. They go up to the
bell tower and he runs at the bell and BANG! he slams
it with his face and the bell lets out a dull bong.
Then he starts to do it again, and the sexton stops
him.

"Not again," he says. "I can't watch. Tell me, do you
really need the job this badly?" The man assures him
that he does. So the sexton hires him.

Sunday comes and it's time to ring the bell to summon
the faithful to church. A breeze is blowing. Just as
the bell-ringer runs at the bell, the breeze blows it
sideways, and he misses it and plunges to the ground,
to his death. The sexton runs outside, where a crowd
is gathering. A policeman arrives.

"Do you know this man?" he asks the sexton.

"No," he says, "but his face rings a bell."

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a river.
Blonde 1: Hey! How do you get to the other side?
Blonde 2: You ARE on the other side.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

There is a family of polar bears living happily in their arctic land. There is a mother bear, father bear and baby bear. The baby bear is getting to an age where he is really beginning to develop alot of curiosity.

One day he asks his mom: "Mom, are you sure I'm a polar bear?" His mom of course reassures him that he must be a polar bear becasue she gave birth to him and she is a polar bear, and the father is a polar bear too.

He seems to accept this and goes about his typical routine.

A couple days go by and he asks his dad the same question. "Dad, are you SURE I'm a polar bear?"

His dad also reassures him. He shows him that he has white fur just like all the other polar bears and that he has 4 paws just like the other polar bears and that he has a resemblance to both his mother and father.

The little polar bear once again seems to accept this answer and goes about his business.

When he gets a little older they send him off to polar bear school with all the other polar bear children. At school he starts up again, asking all his classmates if they think he might not be a polar bear.

Finally, his teacher decides to have a meeting with the little polar bear and his parents. In this meeting they tell him that they are worried about him and that they are really concerned that he doesn't feel that he is a polar bear. They demand to know why he continues to ask this question. He sheepishly replies... "I'm cold."

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Here is a severely inappropriate one that I heard a week ago:

Why do black people have nightmares?

A: Because the last one to have a dream got shot.

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
In a small town the bell ringer in the church quits.
The sexton advertises for a replacement. The first guy
who shows up has no arms.

"But...but..." the sexton says, "how can you...I mean
with your handicap?"

"Just watch," says the no-armed man. They go up to the
bell tower and he runs at the bell and BANG! he slams
it with his face and the bell lets out a dull bong.
Then he starts to do it again, and the sexton stops
him.

"Not again," he says. "I can't watch. Tell me, do you
really need the job this badly?" The man assures him
that he does. So the sexton hires him.

Sunday comes and it's time to ring the bell to summon
the faithful to church. A breeze is blowing. Just as
the bell-ringer runs at the bell, the breeze blows it
sideways, and he misses it and plunges to the ground,
to his death. The sexton runs outside, where a crowd
is gathering. A policeman arrives.

"Do you know this man?" he asks the sexton.

"No," he says, "but his face rings a bell."

[/ QUOTE ]

So now, the church needs another bell ringer. A few people apply, and one of them looks A LOT like the previous one...the one with no arms. He gets the job.

The sexton asks the new employee if he knew the previous man, and he says "yes, he was my dear brother".

Next sunday rolls around, and as the brother goes up to ring the bell, he trips and falls down the bellshaft. He rolls down into the street.

The same policeman arrives and again asks the sexton "Do you know this man?".

The sexton replies "he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

You gotta say it out loud.


Knock knock

Who's there?

I'm a pile up.

I'm a pile up who?

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

[ QUOTE ]
You gotta say it out loud.


Knock knock

Who's there?

I'm a pile up.

I'm a pile up who?

[/ QUOTE ]

winnah

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

what does a cannibal get when he's late for dinner?

the cold shoulder


what's big, green, and furry, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

a pool table

Re: SFW Joke Thread
 

Why did the mushroom always get invited to the partys?


<font color="white"> Because he's a fun guy (funghi) </font>