Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I'd like 2+2's advice on what to do about a girl I'm helplessly in love with who feels nothing for me. I first saw her across a crowded room in 1999 when I visited a protest event at her university (I was at a neighbouring college) and was spellbound, couldn't look away. She has an Annie Lennox look and an incredible smile. By good fate I got to meet her a fortnight later, at a random house party. But I'd drunk half a litre of vodka and when I left, inviting rejection, asked her "Can I have your phone number or shall I just f--k off right now?" Perhaps I was scared she might give it to me. She said "That depends on in what sense you want my number." I walked away.

A year later in 2000 I found myself at her university for a graduate programme, and I saw her at another protest event and re-introduced myself. I'd often bump into her around college and we'd stop and talk a long time. I sent her an electronic Valentine's card quoting the line "when you smile, hot dog men all over town burst into song." She didn't reply, and next time I saw her I hurriedly said let's just be friends, because I could see otherwise she wouldn't talk to me. We went for drinks a few times - I really don't think they were dates, but we got on fabulously. She brings out the best in me; she's so funny, and makes me funny too, and we talk about everything. I felt she must see this too, but then she stopped answering my calls. I felt terrible, missing her and desperate for her approval, so I'd call her more often, she wouldn't answer. I just couldn't understand why she didn't want to see me. By early 2001 she'd cut me off completely.

Late 2001 at the beginning of a protest march I saw her standing on her own. With great courage I went up to her, feeling like a comedian in front of a hostile crowd having to talk his way into favour. Miracously - since she will have basically viewed me as a stalker - I managed it, and spent the day with her and her friends. A few months later I sent her an email saying I was gay - not actually true, but at the time I thought it might be, since I was such a disaster with women and couldn't get laid. Thankfully I never did anything with guys, just didn't want to. Bumped into her soon after in mid 2002 at another protest, and this time she gave me her number. She called me, we met up. This started four years of friendship.

We'd meet every couple of months, usually just one on one, and I also went to her house parties and got to know all her friends. High points include spending the day in Regent's Park sunbathing by the lake, cycling into Soho and going for an Italian meal, sitting watching the crowds go by, then to a nearby pub. Going for a meal at a fish restaurant, then to a comedy show. Her coming with me to a house party, introducing her to my friends - being glad she could see I had a good crowd, am well-liked, not a weirdo. Whenever I saw her, I was reminded of the "Oh my God" effect she has on me. I'm so happy when I'm with her; I am so on form, so relaxed, and it feels like I'm talking to myself. Every time I've been with her, every time I've looked at her I've been thinking "I'm so in love with you."

She never talked about guys and I never saw her with a boyfriend in the first six years I knew her. If I had seen her with a guy, I wouldn't have been able to keep in touch with her, it would have killed me. The first time she mentioned a guy was last year when we met for drinks on my birthday. To my horror she told me she'd been seeing some guy for a few months. Unhappy birthday. I think she must really have thought I wasn't interested in her at that point. A few months later I finally told her I wasn't gay last summer - as if it wasn't obvious. This didn't seem to cause any damage between us.

I didn't see her in a while since I was away from London. Then by sheer coincidence I found myself living and working round the corner from her flat, which is in a hip part of town. I went to her summer house party, then one time she joined a friend and me in a late-night bar. I was drunk and told her I was still crazy about her. When my friend left I went back to her flat, just talking. She said she'd had a succession of three to six month relationships with guys. I don't know why she never had longer. I didn't notice much reaction to my saying I still liked her - I guess just the usual saying she takes it a compliment while really wanting to ignore it.

She called me up a month later in mid November last year when she'd finished some exams, and we spent the next day together. We went to a gallery, a pub, her house, for a meal with two of my friends, then without them we went to a bar and a club. We got on as fabulously as ever. That was the last time I saw her. I tried inviting her to a couple of things I was doing in the next week but she didn't reply. I tried to see her on NYE but she didn't reply except for a perfunctory happy new year text a couple of days later. I sent her a text saying I was moving out of the area at the end of the month so we should do fun things, I'd like to give her some music, and she didn't reply to that. So it feels like a delayed reaction to my drunkenly telling her I still liked her - it makes her uncomfortable. And when she doesn't reply, it makes me so unhappy. I have to have enough self respect to know I am as attractive as she is, as worthy of her love as she is of mine, and when I think about it I can't bear the thought of her not needing me, not missing me, not enjoying or seeking out my company in the way I do hers.

She's a doctor; I'm a English literature PhD drop-out. She has more money than me, obviously, but together with her responsibilities still leads a young person's lifestyle, going to bars and clubs and parties. She also smokes like you wouldn't believe and can hold her drink. My friends say she probably likes my slightly disreputable bohemian air, being a literary gambler sort with glamorous friends. But I guess girls like her enjoy spending time with degenerate guys like me, before settling down with a nice conventional doctor or lawyer.

It feels like there was an unspoken pact that I wouldn't tell her I love her and she wouldn't tell me she doesn't love me, and I've broken it. Having managed to keep in touch with her for so long, part of me is keen not to do anything at one period of time to jeapordise knowing her in future. I might one day meet some other girl, and be glad of her friendship; or, equally improbably, there might be the When Harry Met Sally ending and we'll get together. But another part of me knows that so long as my definition of happiness involves being with her, I can never be happy. So I should cut her loose forever.

What do you think, 2+2?

Cliff notes: Spent nine years in love with a girl who doesn't love me, who's happy to be friends but won't see me that often, and runs a mile if ever I tell her how I feel.
I should lose touch with her, but she's my favourite person in the world, I'm at my happiest with her. What to do?

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I didn't read it, but consider not being fat.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Eh?

Oh yeah, my weight's fluctuated a lot, but during the best period a couple of years ago I weighed like 180-185 lbs, and looked good. I guess I wasn't obsessing about her so much as I am now, so we were able to have more spontaneous good times. But I don't think my being in shape or not in shape is the deciding factor in whether she'd go out with me. I'd still love her if she put on a few stone.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
Eh?

Oh yeah, my weight's fluctuated a lot, but during the best period a couple of years ago I weighed like 180-185 lbs, and looked good. I guess I wasn't obsessing about her so much as I am now, so we were able to have more spontaneous good times. But I don't think my being in shape or not in shape is the deciding factor in whether she'd go out with me. I'd still love her if she put on a few stone.

[/ QUOTE ]

but she aint gonna wub your tubby ass. 6 pack sir. and work on being more debonaire

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

You are on the friends ladder and there is zero chance you can jump to the real ladder. The sooner you can stop seeing and thinking about this girl the better, she's only going to hurt you.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Also, girls hate "Where are we going? How do you feel about me? Surely you could love me some day" conversations with guys they just want casual friendships with.

It's just tough getting her out of my life, when nobody else makes me as happy as she does. I'm hardwired to connect happiness with her, so when I've been doing something wonderful, rather than enjoy it for its own sake I just wish she was there to share it with me. And sure as hell she isn't wishing I was there to share her happy moments. I remember a drunken conversation back at her flat, the day I told her I still liked her, asking her what her happiest moments had been - after telling her mine - and her saying she couldn't tell me, and knowing she meant they were with Other Guys. Goddamn, yeah, this girl really can make me feel miserable like no-one else too.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

How do you feel about the fact that this manipulative bitch is keeping you around to feed her ego?

Also, stop being so fat.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

In the short term, how do I stop thinking about her?
Right now every waking thought is about her - drafting and redrafting letters to her in my head which I'll never write and never send, trying to work out what I want to happen, how I could win her round, or just generally feeling lousy that she doesn't want to see me.

Is this another one of those questions where the answer is "Get a puppy dog"?

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Sadly she'd not manipulative at all. Her conduct I have to say has been impeccable throughout. She cuts me off the moment I say I like her, because she isn't interested. She's happy to see me when she thinks I just want to be friends. Though I wish she felt the same as I do, I think her behaviour is fair enough.

I'm not THAT fat - 225 lbs at the moment, have put on a lot in the last couple of years abut I'm not super-huge.




[ QUOTE ]
How do you feel about the fact that this manipulative bitch is keeping you around to feed her ego?

Also, stop being so fat.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
In the short term, how do I stop thinking about her?


[/ QUOTE ]

Its simple. Stop doing it. When you start thinking about, think about something else. Pick up a solitary hobby. Something you do by yourself. Think about that. If you start thinking about her, force your mind to think about said hobby. Or read a lot. Engage your mind in a book and leave it less time to think about the girl.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
In the short term, how do I stop thinking about her?


[/ QUOTE ]

Its simple. Stop doing it. When you start thinking about, think about something else. Pick up a solitary hobby. Something you do by yourself. Think about that. If you start thinking about her, force your mind to think about said hobby. Or read a lot. Engage your mind in a book and leave it less time to think about the girl.

[/ QUOTE ]

Or, you know, talk to a real girl, one that might actually blow your fat ass.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

so you dropped out of one of the easiest and most useless majors on the planet, put on fifty pounds and you're a huge sissy who likes having women put things in his ass. you live in a fantasy universe. meanwhile, she's a successful and intelligent doctor and a purty lady.

the mystery isn't why she doesn't love you, the mystery is why she even hung out with you in the first place.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I didn't read the original post, can someone confirm ass play? I'd read that.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

nature,

Haven't read your post, but if ed's off base, maybe you're ugly?

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Listen to Bell Biv Devoe. That girl is poison.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
the friends ladder

[/ QUOTE ]

This is funny sheeet.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I can relate with a large amount of your post, as I have gone through a very similar "relationship." The solution is simple.

First, you already know she doesn't like you and never will love you like you love her. You're still gaga over her, though. There's one solution here: talk to her, tell her the vast extent of her feelings, and have her reject you, flat out. If she won't reject you like that, leave her an ultimatum -- if you don't respond or whatever, we can't ever see each other again because seeing will pain me all the time. Whatever, do what you have to do -- the point is to get her to openly admit she has no feelings about you.

After that you can heal. It will take a while, and even years after, you will still hurt every now and then with the memory of her, but you will be able to move on. You have to move on. You can accept your failure and live your life. Don't be a coward and forever chase what you cannot have.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I completed a BA and a Masters. Dropped out of a PhD because I didn't have any funding - that's no crime. And guess what, I'm intelligent, articulate, amusing company. I'm screwed up about women but still charming and likeable. I've got friends you'd be way more surprised want to hang out with me than her - more glamorous successful beautiful promiscuous and rich, if that's how you want to measure someone's worth - but heck people seem to like me.





[ QUOTE ]
so you dropped out of one of the easiest and most useless majors on the planet, put on fifty pounds and you're a huge sissy who likes having women put things in his ass. you live in a fantasy universe. meanwhile, she's a successful and intelligent doctor and a purty lady.

the mystery isn't why she doesn't love you, the mystery is why she even hung out with you in the first place.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
but heck people seem to like me.

[/ QUOTE ]

Now you're just being silly.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Thanks for your post, which is very wise and clearly from your own experience. Yes, that's exactly what I should do. Because she never flat-out said "I will never date/sleep with/love you" I've been able to keep the hope alive. She preferred just to ignore it. If she had said that at the beginning, we'd have lost touch. The thing is, I can look back over the last five years and see some really happy times I've had with her, which I'd not have had if I'd brought things to a crisis. But I can also see she causes manic emotions in me, extremes of happiness and misery, and holds me back from moving on in my life and falling for someone else.

She'd really hate if I tried to force a confrontation. It feels like it'd be easier for me just never to call her, text her, contact her in any way. But I know if I did that I'd be leaving the option open to see her again in future.


[ QUOTE ]
I can relate with a large amount of your post, as I have gone through a very similar "relationship." The solution is simple.

First, you already know she doesn't like you and never will love you like you love her. You're still gaga over her, though. There's one solution here: talk to her, tell her the vast extent of her feelings, and have her reject you, flat out. If she won't reject you like that, leave her an ultimatum -- if you don't respond or whatever, we can't ever see each other again because seeing will pain me all the time. Whatever, do what you have to do -- the point is to get her to openly admit she has no feelings about you.

After that you can heal. It will take a while, and even years after, you will still hurt every now and then with the memory of her, but you will be able to move on. You have to move on. You can accept your failure and live your life. Don't be a coward and forever chase what you cannot have.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

OP, it seems like you can't communicate honestly unless you're drunk or stoned. You should work on that.

Then let her know that you're interested one more shot - when you're sober and you're prepared, and you can lay out your case to her. If that doesn't work, as it probably won't given what you wrote, then it's time to move on.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
OP, it seems like you can't communicate honestly unless you're drunk or stoned. You should work on that.

Then let her know that you're interested one more shot - when you're sober and you're prepared, and you can lay out your case to her. If that doesn't work, as it probably won't given what you wrote, then it's time to move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, perhaps you should consider not giving advice. To anyone. Ever.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
OP, it seems like you can't communicate honestly unless you're drunk or stoned. You should work on that.

Then let her know that you're interested one more shot - when you're sober and you're prepared, and you can lay out your case to her. If that doesn't work, as it probably won't given what you wrote, then it's time to move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, perhaps you should consider not giving advice. To anyone. Ever.

[/ QUOTE ]

Por que?

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Don't you see? You've been compounding the problem by repeatedly chasing her (you say most of the contacts have been coincidental, and I believe you, but mentally you've been chasing her and we both know it) for the past near decade, and every successive time you meet up it makes it that much harder. You're playing yourself. Just be happy that you got to experience such a love and experience such great times in your life, but cut your losses, get realistic, and face the problem head on. Otherwise you're stuck in neutral and will find it very hard to truly love anyone again.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]


Por que?

[/ QUOTE ]

Because your advice is really bad and you are probably fat as well.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Never stoned - I don't smoke dope and neither does she.
But yes, when I've told her I've liked her I've either been drunk or it's been by email, never sober and in person.

I guess I know I need to have the final "reject me pls so I can move on" scene with her, but I'd rather do it when I'm back weighing 180lbs than 225lbs, just in case.

I have a friend who gets laid all the time, a pick-up artist. How different we are - I'm wanting to be in love, to meet "the one", he just wants to get laid. How much more successful he is, and ironically how much more likely he is to actually fall in love than I am!




[ QUOTE ]
OP, it seems like you can't communicate honestly unless you're drunk or stoned. You should work on that.

Then let her know that you're interested one more shot - when you're sober and you're prepared, and you can lay out your case to her. If that doesn't work, as it probably won't given what you wrote, then it's time to move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
I'd like 2+2's advice on what to do about a girl I'm helplessly in love with who feels nothing for me.

[/ QUOTE ]

i have this friend, former roommate, he is a dog, super ugly. has bad ance scars weighs about 115 lbs, is like 6ft tall...and pulls mad women, and the all fallin love with him. he swears if you want any girl to fall in love with you you have do do only 1 thing...stick a finger up her a$$. i have several other friends who agree. and i sure alot of 2+2 will agree with my SyfIHP theroy.

on a serious note. after 9 years no love. whats the upside, you finally lose your virginity to your dream girl, in her bout of hornyness, thats a pretty big scar. She probably only likes your slacker bohemin(sp?)-ness becuase its irresponsible, and shes responible and has a thursday night primetime greys anatomy life that makes her feel way to grown up. either that or shes one of teh ghey kind anddoesnt want anyone to know.

on another note, you might beable to write a script and sell it to greys anatomny.

get a personal trainer, spend 4 months at the gym forgetting her, fallin love with yourself, mastubate alot, become an a#$hole, becasue a#$hole=panty dropper, and move on.

youseriously know there is no future in this relationship, and your purposley pickeda very unapolgetic form to tell you that

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Yes, you're right, although the chance encounters were in the first couple of years, and since say 2002 when we've met it's always been because she's phoned/texted me or I've phoned/texted her.

We almost went on holiday last Autumn, I just remembered. We were talking on IM, she said she wanted to go somewhere but had no-one to go with, I quickly said "I'll go with you!" and we were talking about where to go - I have friends in half a dozen European cities, and was planning a great time, till I realised my passport was expired and since it was to be a last-minute trip I couldn't go. I was gutted, obviously, but rather impressed that she was willing to go some place with me.

I wonder too if my drunkenly telling her I still liked her, shortly after I moved round the corner from her flat, was a self-destructive way of sabotaging things between us. Because if I'd not done it, on the basis of our existing friendship she'd have been happy to spend time with me, and something might have developed. It seems like another example of my making sure it didn't.


[ QUOTE ]
Don't you see? You've been compounding the problem by repeatedly chasing her (you say most of the contacts have been coincidental, and I believe you, but mentally you've been chasing her and we both know it) for the past near decade, and every successive time you meet up it makes it that much harder. You're playing yourself. Just be happy that you got to experience such a love and experience such great times in your life, but cut your losses, get realistic, and face the problem head on. Otherwise you're stuck in neutral and will find it very hard to truly love anyone again.

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Um, if she wasn't in love with you by then, it's unlikely she ever was going to be. Don't just find another way to blame yourself.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]


Por que?

[/ QUOTE ]

Because your advice is really bad and you are probably fat as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, you really tore what I said apart here with your logical brilliance here. "Really bad" is so descriptive of a statement, and "you're fat" is such a powerful ad hominem attack that most of us shouldn't have stopped using it in junior high. Bravo, Socrates.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

"Wow, you really tore what I said apart here with your logical brilliance here."

Nice one.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

I havn't read all of this thread, but it honestly sounds like you have a stalking problem.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Eat another cheeseburger. I didn't go into detail on why your post was dumb because it was so dumb.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
Eat another cheeseburger.

[/ QUOTE ]

LMAO

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

My suggestion:


http://home.ripway.com/2003-11/38102...Gumb/gumb5.jpg

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Forget about her. Live in the now!!!!
Do you spew when you meet her ?

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Eat another cheeseburger.

[/ QUOTE ]

LMAO

[/ QUOTE ]

edfurlong might be one of my favorite posters, but it might have to do with he's the only other guy awake at this time of the "night".

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]


edfurlong might be one of my favorite posters

[/ QUOTE ]

Queer.

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

Skinny guys get lots of sex, much more than chubby guys, that's for sure!

FWIW I'm as good looking as she is, although overweight.

I know girls way more physically attractive than she is, objectively speaking. But I find her more attractive than them because I'm in love with her. Her personality and how she makes me feel when I'm with her, how happy, how truely myself, makes me feel she's uniquely right for me. That means so much more than whether or not she's generically good looking.

Doubt I will get the opportunity to stick my finger up has ass, however.

Lost my virginity to a hooker - holla?


[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'd like 2+2's advice on what to do about a girl I'm helplessly in love with who feels nothing for me.

[/ QUOTE ]

i have this friend, former roommate, he is a dog, super ugly. has bad ance scars weighs about 115 lbs, is like 6ft tall...and pulls mad women, and the all fallin love with him. he swears if you want any girl to fall in love with you you have do do only 1 thing...stick a finger up her a$$. i have several other friends who agree. and i sure alot of 2+2 will agree with my SyfIHP theroy.

on a serious note. after 9 years no love. whats the upside, you finally lose your virginity to your dream girl, in her bout of hornyness, thats a pretty big scar. She probably only likes your slacker bohemin(sp?)-ness becuase its irresponsible, and shes responible and has a thursday night primetime greys anatomy life that makes her feel way to grown up. either that or shes one of teh ghey kind anddoesnt want anyone to know.

on another note, you might beable to write a script and sell it to greys anatomny.

get a personal trainer, spend 4 months at the gym forgetting her, fallin love with yourself, mastubate alot, become an a#$hole, becasue a#$hole=panty dropper, and move on.

youseriously know there is no future in this relationship, and your purposley pickeda very unapolgetic form to tell you that

[/ QUOTE ]

Re: Unrequited love - what to do?
 

[ QUOTE ]

Lost my virginity to a hooker - holla?

[/ QUOTE ]

plz tell me you're joking.