My son wants to get laid
 

My oldest son is 16, and is "in love" for the first time with a serious girlfriend. She's also 16, this is her first boyfriend. They are good kids, get good grades, I couldn't be prouder. But several times when she has come over to visit we've said "keep the doors open" only to find them closed at some point. Her parents have the same rule when he goes to visit at her house. Neither one has a drivers license yet (tho my son will be getting his in a few months).

My wife and I are pretty liberal, and fully expect/hope he'll make good decisions and be responsible when the time comes for him to "grow up" so to speak.. but obviously he is wanting more from this relationship now, and is feeling very "controlled" and frustrated. I told him look, when the girl's parents say its OK then we'll talk, in the mean time quit trying to make out in our house.

Any suggestions/advice on how to proceed much appreciated.

thx.. BB

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

My parents always let me "close the doors" whenever I wanted. My sister had more stringent rules. The fact is, if they want to get it on, they have more options than your house. You're not containing their sexuality or protecting them, you're just overtly sheltering them, and I think you should let go a little. The kids just want to fool around, and they're old enough that they should be able to without parental interference. They're not doing drugs here...let 'em have fun.

Edit: Oh and make sure to give the talk while you explain your new policy. Make him feel like he controls his life just a little more than he does.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

My parents always had an open door policy, but we usually hung out in the basement, and almost never in my room so that didn't matter too much. We had a don't ask, don't tell type thing going.....and still is going.... If they want to do it, well I hate to say it but you have little say in what they do, as much as that sucks for you.

I'm 21 now, but I was doing stuff starting at 15 with no license and was sneaking behind my parents back all the time, it made things considerably more difficult, but not impossible.

My suggestion is sit down and talk with him about his options and be open about everything. I know I would have felt better about everything had I been able to talk to my parents.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Your son is 16, dating another 16 year old, and you're being a douche about not letting him make out with her? I can understand the uber parenting "NO SEX UNTIL YOU'RE 35 or will SWEAR to wear a condom" deal, but kissing?

You got a good kid, with good grades? Let him feel like a man then and don't break his balls when he wants to play touchey feely with his g/f, and if you're so worried, slip him a rubber.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I must've had a crummy childhood cause I felt so uncomfortable at home I wouldn't/didn't ever hang out at home with my girlfriends, unless parents were away.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I have to tell you, it made me really proud when I saw my dad approach this manner in such a cool way. I was in 10th grade I think and I was getting dropped off at Ithaca College for a one week program over the summer. I bunch of girls came over said hi etc and we were talking for a while, then before my dad left he asked if I wanted to go to the store and buy some condoms. I thought this was a really mature way to handle it because he is saying that he understands I am mature enough to make my own decisions, but also that he still cares about me and wants to guide me in a good direction, AFTER I have made a decision.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

BB,

I'm 22, but here's my take on things as a young person in the 21st century.

1) Doors open policy - clearly isn't working anyway since you say the doors end up closed, why worry too much about it? This, however, is much simpler for you than actually talking to your son about sex, or even telling him you understand what its like to be 16 (I assume you WERE 16 at one point) and be mature with the conversation.

2) "When her parents say its ok"...riiight. If your son is as smart as you say he is, you think he doesn't see that for the BS it is? How many girls did you know when you were 16 that would have had parents saying "sure, whatever"?

Who among us DIDN'T want to get laid when we were 16? If they're ready for it, they're going to find a way too get it done. You can either hide it from them and make them feel like they need to hide, or be open about it and hope that your influence will have them making positive, responsible decisions. Especially if they're just making out and taking a few awkward gropes at each other. They grow up, life moves on. If he at least knows how to use a condom (which he does, he's 16, kids know a lot these days) then he's probably not going to knock her up or get VD.

Just my $.02 like I said, from a young guy's point of view. I'm not saying you need to endorse them having sex, I mean it is your house and all, but if you want the boy to be a good young man, this is reality check time.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I honestly don't understand why u wouldn't want him to do it with her.

Whats the harm, seriously. The worst you could possibly do is delay it 2 months. I know you're parents were probably conservative, but I really can't see a reason.

Just don't make it too obvious that you're letting them go at it because that will take away the thrill for them [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

FWIW I'm 22, my family was pretty conservative and my GF's wasn't in High school.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I'd say you do best to talk with him about it openly, and give him contraception advice, rather than trying to suppress a natural, and healthy urge.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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I'd say you do best to talk with him about it openly, and give him contraception advice, rather than trying to suppress a natural, and healthy urge.

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Agreed. Doors closed doesn't always mean they're having sex. I never like to talk to my girlfriend about something personal if I know someone can listen. I'm 21. We've never had sex in my house while my parents were home. There are other places. So yeah, don't be a jerk. (Not insulting you or anything)

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

give him some condoms let him have sex with his GF if he wants to. sounds like he's going to anyway.

PS: what does a driver's license have to do with anything?

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

If you try and stop them, they're just gonna hate you (that's way too strong, but I can't think of a good synonym) and do it anyway.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Give them a little privacy. They are both almost adults, after all. Just make sure your son is responsbile and understanding, that's all you can do as a parent. After that, the best thing to do is trust & respect your son.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

What does this have to do with poker? More importantly, why are you asking for advice on raising your kids in a poker forum? What's really going on?

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Your son will get laid. There is nothing you can do about it. Better in his room than in the car. Make sure he uses a condom.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Man invented God to scare kids out of having sex. Use this great invention to your advantage.

"YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL, BOY!"

Seriously, just make sure he knows that he absolutely must use a condom every single time, and if he doesn't have one then don't do it. Keep him thinking about the consequences of a screw-up. You really can't stop him from getting it on.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

When I had just turned 18 and was dating a 16yo my mom had an open door policy. What this created was a situation where we would be hooking up whenever we had the chance because we both knew our houses were not an option unless the parents were gone. Oh, and when my Mom would leave to go out, it was on. Looking back on this now I think it actualy lead to an accelerated sexual progression within our relationship. So basicaly, you cannot stop them from hooking up and in all likely hood you are making it even more fun by outlawing it.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I guess it all depends on whether you believe pre-martial sex is wrong and what values you want to pass on to your son. Those are your choices. I'm not saying that he won't do his own thing either way, but many parents like to at least attempt to pass on their values/morals to their children. You, however, might not find pre-marital sex wrong or unwise.

The thing I would consider is that even if you feel it's ok, her parents obviously don't and by you doing anything to help out "the cause", like allowing closed doors, buying him condoms etc, could really cause some hot water for your son and the girlfriend with her folks. If they think that you are helping, encouraging, or even just allowing something like this to go on, they could very easily get very upset and forbid the girl from seeing your son. Granted this doesn't mean it will stop them, but it just makes the situation much harder and puts you and your wife in a very odd situation with her parents.

Just my 2 cents. I've seen that exact scenario play out and it was ugly and lasted for years.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

If he's feeling controlled and frustrated, that means that he still cares about the rules that you set out for him, which is a good thing. When he starts acting nonchalant about the whole thing is when you'll know that they've found a way to go behind your back.

Take advantage of this and level with him now, before he completely stops caring about your rules. It's not your responsibility to enforce her parent's rules - if the girl wants to disobey her folks, that her choice (and your son's, somewhat), not yours.

Talk to him honestly about this stuff, but for god's sake let him close the door. Maybe they'll get freaky, maybe they'll just smooch, or maybe they just want to have a private conversation. In 2 years this kid will be a legal adult and will be completely out of your control. It's time to trust him with a little bit of privacy in his own room.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

OP- Do you remember what you were like when you were 16? A 16 year old male is having sex no matter how hard you try to stop him. Loosen up and let things take there toll. Just make sure he knows about safe sex practices. Open door or closed door, its going to happen. Its better to have it happen now, at a safe place instead of two months from now in the back of his car or someone elses house.

Besides, what do you think is going to happen 2 years from now when he goes to college? If you hold him back now, he is going to go crazy once he gets his freedom.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

I'm 22, my gf lives with me (at my parents house). We almost never have sex now, even when no-ones home, etc, etc.

Before she moved in, we would have sex pretty much every time no-one was home, or no-one was awake, and even then sometimes we'd just park in an empty lot somewhere and get it on in my truck in broad daylight.

Now that she lives with me, I could almost swear my parents have a more active sex life than us. (This is an entirely different topic on its own)

Anyways, back to my point, your son is going to have sex whether you consent or not. My best advice is to tell him to be safe and that you are not going to facilitate it (what my parents told me). Basically, you're not going to ask questions, but your also not going to go out of your way to assist your sixteen year old son in having sexual relations.


edit: oh, you're talking about making out, not sex.. let em explore i say.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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I'm 22, my gf lives with me (at my parents house).

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LOL.

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Now that she lives with me, I could almost swear my parents have a more active sex life than us.[/b]

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Awesome.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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LOL.

Awesome.

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The world is a better place with you in it.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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LOL.

Awesome.

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The world is a better place when you live on your own.

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Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
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LOL.

Awesome.

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The world is a better place when you live on your own.

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All college students can afford this.

Sorry for continuing the derail, OP.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
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LOL.

Awesome.

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The world is a better place when you live on your own.

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All college students can afford this.

Sorry for continuing the derail, OP.

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Lol. I'm not the one who had to use a gimmick account to inform everyone I'm not getting laid and still live with Mommy.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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Lol. I'm not the one who had to use a gimmick account to inform everyone I'm not getting laid and still live with Mommy.

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Calm down tiger, I'm new. Check my post history or something if you need gratification.

Sorry if my life isn't up to your brandy snifter and cohiba cigar standards.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Uh ok you should encourage sex. If he has hit puberty then it is ok to have sex end of story.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I'm not the one who had to use a gimmick account to inform everyone I'm not getting laid and still live with Mommy.

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Calm down tiger, I'm new. Check my post history or something if you need gratification.

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Hey ya'll stay outa my thread. Everybody else thanks a bunch for your input, I really appreciate the insights.


The lack of driving was mentioned cause when that changes it opens up possibilites for the kids to "make out" away from home. As involved parents we always know where the kids are and who they're with. But with this new girlfriend I'm sure my son feels like he's constantly being monitored.

Also while I'm certainly in favor of pre-maritial sex, I'm still not comfortable with saying to the 16 year olds "sure kids, close the doors, have some condoms, knock yourselves out". Thats a big change in the parent/child relationship.. and yes I'm sure if the girls parents found out they would be mad at us personally.

Babies get old quick..

BB

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
Thats a big change in the parent/child relationship..

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It's one that will be coming around quickly in any case. Handling it gracefully is a big step in keeping the relationship strong and amicable.

Of course at that age my mother was begging me to have sex simply because it would involve interacting with another human being. Needless to say that wasn't very graceful either.

In the end I would probably have no relationship with my parents now if it weren't for my GF. So don't forget to keep her happy too.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Despite what our "leaders" want us to think, the world isn't made up of polarized situations. It's not a choice between "no way no how don't even talk about it" to "here's some lube and amyl nitrate, go at it!" The kid's gonna find a way to get laid if he wants to, so it's up to you to explain to him not only how to protect himself, but how to respect women (and himself, and humanity in general) so that he doesn't grow up to be a jerk. If you're frank with him, he'll be more likely to respect your boundaries. Explain to him where you're coming from. Tell him it would just make you feel weird for him to be going through such an important rite of passage with you in the next room. Heck, try to instill in him the sense that it's a big deal and it should be special. Make condoms available to him. And then let them close the friggin' door so they can smooch and feel each other up, for cryin' out loud. He's sixteen. World War II was fought by sixteen year olds. The leap between twelve and sixteen is huge. Let him grow up. Yeah, sixteen year olds are idiots, so help him be smarter.

And to the guy not gettin' it from him live-in girlfriend: (a) move out of your parents' house, and (b) dump the girl. Not having sex at your age is a symptom of something greater. I don't care how "in love" you are, obviously there are communications problems and your needs aren't getting met. Don't tie yourself down to something that will never improve and only breed resentment.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

You have awful parenting techniques. Just let him learn to bang this girl so that when he gets to college and he bangs his first girl, she tells all of her friends that he is great in the sack. Then by the time he graduates he will have banged at least 50 girls, and probably have gotten a few threesomes out of it as well.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

You think preventing your kids from having sex in your house will stop them from having sex? LOL brilliant move

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]

Also while I'm certainly in favor of pre-maritial sex, I'm still not comfortable with saying to the 16 year olds "sure kids, close the doors, have some condoms, knock yourselves out".


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You dont need to say any of that, just give your son some privacy, don't be so anal about this 'open door' business, because it's pretty much indicative of wanting to 'check up on him'. Maybe to bring some milk & cookies? If you feel so anxious about 'allowing' him to be a man, then don't even be considerate and make sure he has some rubbers, let him knock her up and you can feign ignorance.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

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Maybe to bring some milk & cookies?

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That reminds me, when I was in high school (age 18), I was at a friend's with both of our girlfriends, in his room with a closed door, doing what you'd expect, and his mom brought us refreshments during down times. Okay, yeah, maybe this is a bad thing to mention in this thread, but we were all amused by it.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
You think preventing your kids from having sex in your house will stop them from having sex? LOL brilliant move

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OP, this is what it boils down to. If they want to, they will, no doubt.

If you think he shouldn't, tell him why, but also let him know if he does, how he should go about it.

Also, I like the "in love" in quotes, you can be 16 and in love, it's just probably not going to work out.

-Craig

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

Have a man to man with your son.

Make sure he knows to use a rubber.

Let him have some clean safe fun.

Don't you remember being 16??

Chill daddy...

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
My oldest son is 16, and is "in love" for the first time with a serious girlfriend. She's also 16, this is her first boyfriend. They are good kids, get good grades, I couldn't be prouder. But several times when she has come over to visit we've said "keep the doors open" only to find them closed at some point. Her parents have the same rule when he goes to visit at her house. Neither one has a drivers license yet (tho my son will be getting his in a few months).

My wife and I are pretty liberal, and fully expect/hope he'll make good decisions and be responsible when the time comes for him to "grow up" so to speak.. but obviously he is wanting more from this relationship now, and is feeling very "controlled" and frustrated. I told him look, when the girl's parents say its OK then we'll talk, in the mean time quit trying to make out in our house.

Any suggestions/advice on how to proceed much appreciated.

thx.. BB

[/ QUOTE ]

'inadvertantly' let it be known (as in discussing with your wife when he is in earshot) times you will be out of the house for a few hours. this way he can 'sneak' some nookie and you can pretend you are not aware of what is going on. that way everyone (exept the chicks parents lol) can be happy.

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
My oldest son is 16, and is "in love" for the first time with a serious girlfriend. She's also 16, this is her first boyfriend. They are good kids, get good grades, I couldn't be prouder. But several times when she has come over to visit we've said "keep the doors open" only to find them closed at some point. Her parents have the same rule when he goes to visit at her house. Neither one has a drivers license yet (tho my son will be getting his in a few months).

My wife and I are pretty liberal, and fully expect/hope he'll make good decisions and be responsible when the time comes for him to "grow up" so to speak.. but obviously he is wanting more from this relationship now, and is feeling very "controlled" and frustrated. I told him look, when the girl's parents say its OK then we'll talk, in the mean time quit trying to make out in our house.

Any suggestions/advice on how to proceed much appreciated.

thx.. BB

[/ QUOTE ]

'inadvertantly' let it be known (as in discussing with your wife when he is in earshot) times you will be out of the house for a few hours. this way he can 'sneak' some nookie and you can pretend you are not aware of what is going on. that way everyone (exept the chicks parents lol) can be happy.

[/ QUOTE ]

Lol, this is what I assumed my parents were doing...until the one time they walked in... [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: My son wants to get laid
 

[ QUOTE ]
My oldest son is 16, and is "in love" for the first time with a serious girlfriend. She's also 16, this is her first boyfriend. They are good kids, get good grades, I couldn't be prouder. But several times when she has come over to visit we've said "keep the doors open" only to find them closed at some point. Her parents have the same rule when he goes to visit at her house. Neither one has a drivers license yet (tho my son will be getting his in a few months).

My wife and I are pretty liberal, and fully expect/hope he'll make good decisions and be responsible when the time comes for him to "grow up" so to speak.. but obviously he is wanting more from this relationship now, and is feeling very "controlled" and frustrated. I told him look, when the girl's parents say its OK then we'll talk, in the mean time quit trying to make out in our house.

Any suggestions/advice on how to proceed much appreciated.

thx.. BB

[/ QUOTE ]

There are some very bad responses in this thread. I'll try to be the voice of reason here.

Let's just say that it is in everyone's best interest, especially your son's, to not let your son have sex until he is 18. However, this is a decision you cannot make for him. It is up to you, though, to make sure that he has the tools and the knowledge that will help him to make a choice that won't seriously hinder his future goals.

You want your son to act like a man, you've got to treat him like a man. He'll respect more if you're honest and open.

I agree that you should buy some condoms for him, and when you give them to him, you need to have your talk. This isn't a talk about the birds and the bees. This is a talk about what it means to be an adult. It's a talk about responsibilities. Make sure that he knows that giving him condoms isn't a green light to go ahead and have sex. It's merely a measure to protect against the disasterous should he make a bad choice.

Also, the "open door" rule needs to be changed. Let him close his door for privacy, but make sure he understands the rules.