She left me
 

So, this is an update on this situation. I'm posting under my real account, because who cares?

My wife went to another city and there, against my wishes, hung out with some friends that she met online. She says it was just an afternoon, and one guy’s girlfriend was there. Fine. I believe her, really, but I just couldn’t figure out why she’d do this without my consent, when she knew it made me miserable.

After she came back, things have been strange. We finally went to counseling to discuss the situation. We started talking with the therapist about why this might be happening. She (wife) said it was because things had been bad in our marriage for a long time. She said that we seemed more like friends than lovers. She said that had felt this way for years, since before we were married, but she couldn’t express it, or admit it to herself. After the session we talked for a long time. She seemed very upset. She said she was no longer attracted to me, and felt like I was her family but she didn’t feel intimacy or romance in our relationship anymore. We scheduled another counseling session. She told me she didn’t feel comfortable being touched by me.

At the next session she brought up separating. She said that she needed some time apart from me. She said she wanted to stay married but didn’t think it was fair to either of us to be in a marriage that wasn’t based on romantic love, rather than friendship. She asked me to leave but I wanted to be near my office, and we fought about it. I left that night. I went right to Atlantic City and gambled and drank until I had to work yesterday. When I came home last night she was gone, and there was a message on the answering machine saying that she was staying with a friend. She didn’t even want to talk on the phone until the next session. She’s not angry or anything, she just needs space.

So in my opinion, what has been going on the last 6 months is the result of my wife falling out of love with me. I guess I just couldn’t believe that it could happen to us…
I don’t think she cheated on me, but if she leaves me anyway, it doesn’t really matter. I want to try and fix things, but she doesn’t really seem hopeful about that. I’m not going to hurt myself in any way, but my life, as I know it, is effectively over.

I have no idea what to do, and neither do you OOT…But thanks for the outlet anyway…


Any questions?

Re: She left me
 

i dunno if this was brought up in the old thread, but i'm just curious how old you are

Re: She left me
 

I'm 29.

Re: She left me
 

So this is what growing up will be like.

Re: She left me
 

No questions, but I'm terribly sorry for you. You sound like a nice guy who really cares about her, so I hope you are able to find a way to bring back romance into the relationship and work things out.

Re: She left me
 

this post made me sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]


Hookers and Coke dude, Hookers and Coke...

Re: She left me
 

come on man, you don't deserve this

get a divorce, you'll be 100x happier

p.s. don't let her be the one telling you what to do - you've got to grow a set and tell her where to go

Re: She left me
 

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this post made me sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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Re: She left me
 

"WTFROARFREAKOUT!”

Re: She left me
 

PS Check out astro's thread of Next Door Nikki I you will feel better I promise

Re: She left me
 

GA,

From a 30,000 foot perspective, it sure seems that she is/was cheating on you, at least enough for her to try to justify it in your sessions. And to me it appears that you could be in denial about this.

Flame me if you must, that's just my take from this and the other thread. Either way, good luck, and I agree in the long run you'll be happier with a divorce. I just hope you don't have any kids.

Re: She left me
 

Sounds like a bummer dude. Don't go quietly in this. She's the one who decided to leave, don't let her push you out of the house or inconvenience you w/r/t work and commuting. I've had breakups like this (albeit not a marriage) and my advice is, beware of the real reasons. She may well be saying these things but is really covering up for an affair or the desire to have one. People don't just end a marriage without some other prospect on the horizon, or already in hand.

Sounds like there's a good chance this can go down in a civilized way, just stand your ground and hang in there. Sorry to hear it.

NT

Re: She left me
 

I may not deserve it but I'm sure my actions had something to do with the degeneration of the relationship. I didn't play poker when we first met, for instance...

Also, I did tell her where to go. I am at the house. I hate it there, but I would be even more f-ked up if I had to stay with my mom or something.

Also, I don't believe in divorce...I thought she didn't either. I won't let that happen unless we try everything else first.

Re: She left me
 

Sorry to hear about this, man.

I think the most important thing for you to do is to retain some sort of control over the situation. She's the one who left, she's the one who has "fallen out of love with you," and so it's easy for you to say, consciously or unconsciously, "It's up to her, there's nothing I can do." Remind yourself, as often as you have to, that that isn't true. You can't force her to get back together with you, but you can decide when you've waited for her long enough.

-McGee

Re: She left me
 

tuq: At this point I almost wish she was cheating on me...it a hellofalot less depressing than the idea that love just goes to s**t.

jax: LOL.

mrkilla: Too skinny for me. But thanks...

Re: She left me
 

I agree the likelihood of her having cheating on you alread is pretty high, despite not knowing your wife. But really, you're right, it doesn't matter, so it might be best not to think about it.

Really, this woman has said she doesn't feel attracted to you, and has demonstrated for a long time that she's very serious. I think you need to realise that you don't deserve that, no matter how much you love her. You need to get away from her and enjoy just being on your own for awhile. You can't just wait around for her, no good can come of it.

Re: She left me
 

The only thing I can say is hang in there. No one can really give you advice in this situation, as you mentioned, because who are we to say what you should do? Nevertheless, from the sounds of your post, your wife has probably already made up her mind, which I know is tough. I sincerely hope you'll be able to pick up and move on.

One thing I learned from my parent's divorce, is that while it was painful and sucked at the time, I think both of them are better off now, years later, because they got out of a situation similar to yours, where they had fallen out of love.

Good luck with your situation, and kudos for airing this out in the open - that takes a lot of strength in and of itself.

Re: She left me
 

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this post made me sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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Re: She left me
 

Sorry you are going through this.

I think you will feel better if somehow you are able to take control and be the one deciding rather than being powerless.

Re: She left me
 

1. She is almost certianly cheating on you.

2. I know you don't believe in divorce, but do you really want to spend 40 more years with someone who pulls this garbage? I mean this isn't the kind of thing where you can say "thats just the woman that I love, I accept it." She obviously has no understanding of what it takes to have a healthy marriage and is miles away from the proper perspective.

3. I am sincerely sorry for you and I hope you find happiness regardless of what the outcome is.

Re: She left me
 

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She may well be saying these things but is really covering up for an affair or the desire to have one. People don't just end a marriage without some other prospect on the horizon, or already in hand.

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Right on. Easy to be in denial about this. Also, regarding

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I don't believe in divorce

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I'm not going to try to debate about or change your beliefs but do consider this: life is SHORT, and so is your youth. How do you think you'll feel when you're 80 and looking back knowing that you did not do everything you could to make yourself and your life as happy as possible? That would be such a complete waste.

Also, such a prevalent feeling in these type of situations is that it's not possible to ever find someone as good for you as this person. This is crap, you owe it to yourself to find someone who is crazy about you. Why waste even a day with someone who isn't?

Re: She left me
 

Practical stuff first: close all accounts, credit cards, etc. that you hold jointly with your wife. Empty them and put them into new accounts that you alone hold. Do this asap, or she will.

Personal now: I've been through a divorce and it was the worst experience of my life, even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. I agree that you should try to avoid it, but remember that you may not be able to avoid it, if she really wants it.

It seems pretty obvious she wants to date & have sex with other guys. Is there any way you could allow this to happen and stay married? Either "take a break from your vows" (both of you) or try having an "open marriage"? I'm not saying this is a good idea, but it might be better than divorce, for both of you.

Edit: Of course, I'm sure most people would rather get divorced than "allow" their spouse to have sex with anyone else.

Re: She left me
 

First off, sorry to hear about this. Good luck.

Secondly, and I don't mean to bum you out more, but make sure you are financially and legally prepared for the worst. A little bit of work on your part in regards to shared assets and money, along with a well thought out trip to a lawyer, can help you out a great deal if things progress badly.

I truly hope it doesn't come to that, but just in case, COVER YOUR ASSS!

Re: She left me
 

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this post made me sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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GL, dude.

Make sure that you set things up so that you can get whatever sort of support you need.

Re: She left me
 

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PS Check out astro's thread of Next Door Nikki I you will feel better I promise

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I'm at work but I can't wait to check this out at home. I've never seen NDN naked. Is the thread worth it?

Re: She left me
 

I normally like to use OOT to make me feel better about my problems, but in this case I derive no satisfaction from your situation.

I'm really sorry to hear about this, it must be tough. Hang in there, and remember that you deserve something much better. It's hard to realize at the time, but most often, things like this are for the best.

Re: She left me
 

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Also, I don't believe in divorce... I won't let that happen unless we try everything else first.

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Your beliefs are your beliefs and I'm not going to try to change them, but this is the kind of thing that I'd worry about in a situation like this. If you're fighting for the marriage and she isn't, it's going to be even more difficult and painful for you, and it will take you even longer to "recover," so to speak.

-McGee

Re: She left me
 

[ QUOTE ]
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PS Check out astro's thread of Next Door Nikki I you will feel better I promise

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I'm at work but I can't wait to check this out at home. I've never seen NDN naked. Is the thread worth it?

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If you really wanna see her naked it delivers, but as far as being actually sexy I thought it was kinda meh.

NT

Re: She left me
 

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1. She is almost certianly cheating on you.


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Yeah, 'cause clearly you have enough information to assume this.

To me "I don't believe in divorce" is basically "I am not a pragmatist" which bothers me.

Re: She left me
 

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this post made me sad [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

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I just wanted to point out that quoting this was kind of lame on my part, but I have absolutely no perspective on this situation or any idea what you should do and I felt like replying after I read the OP.

Re: She left me
 

Sorry this happened to you, but my advice has not changed...

Seek a lawyer.

Re: She left me
 

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
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PS Check out astro's thread of Next Door Nikki I you will feel better I promise

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I'm at work but I can't wait to check this out at home. I've never seen NDN naked. Is the thread worth it?

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If you really wanna see her naked it delivers

NT

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..Then I will also be delivering some DNA to my keyboard.

Re: She left me
 

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The only thing I can say is hang in there. No one can really give you advice in this situation, as you mentioned, because who are we to say what you should do? Nevertheless, from the sounds of your post, your wife has probably already made up her mind, which I know is tough. I sincerely hope you'll be able to pick up and move on.

One thing I learned from my parent's divorce, is that while it was painful and sucked at the time, I think both of them are better off now, years later, because they got out of a situation similar to yours, where they had fallen out of love.

Good luck with your situation, and kudos for airing this out in the open - that takes a lot of strength in and of itself.

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Very nice post Nolan.

GA - I'm really sorry to hear about this. Your mind is going to be rushing towards every possibility - but don't blame yourself for this in anyway. If your wife has fallen out of love with you, barring any extreme circumstances or behavior on your part... I don't think there's much you could have done to change the course of your relationship. It's likely the inevitable outcome of the dynamic you shared with her for many years... and while it's very depressing, it does say something about how compatible you are for each other going-forward.

That being said, take it one step at a time, and see where further counseling / discussion with her may lead.

They say there are 3 components to a successful marriage: 1) familial-friendship love; 2) romantic love; 3) commitment. I think you have to ask yourself how likely it is all 3 will be there in the future with her.

Best of luck,
-Al

Re: She left me
 

I am sorry for you [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

FWIW (which will probably be little comfort), my brother went through a similar situation with his former wife -- they married right out of college and spent 7 semi-miserable years together before she declared she wasn't attracted to him, didn't love him any more, and demanded a divorce. He was devastated, but they had been having problems for years and never seemed to make any progress on their issues, despite therapy and counseling. That was four years sgo. He's now remarried to the woman of his dreams -- funny, smart, attractive - has a beautiful 5 month old baby boy, and couldn't be happier.

Hang in there; things will get better.

Re: She left me
 

drew: Neither of us could stomach "Open Marriage" or anything like that. Even if she did cheat on me, it wasn't becuase she just wants more sex. She just doesn't want me.

casper, others: We don't have a lot of assets, and what we do have she's welcome to. I doubt it will come to that, but if so, meh. My bankroll is well hidden, and I've been poor before.

Aces: You're right, I don't really want to prolong the torture. If she says she's done, then I'll probably give up too.

Re: She left me
 

this sucks dude.

you don't have any kids, right?

I'm not sure what advice I can give, except to say that you will ultimately be happier being with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

this isn't much help to you know...but hopefully you can look back and agree

Re: She left me
 

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We don't have a lot of assets, and what we do have she's welcome to. I doubt it will come to that, but if so, meh. My bankroll is well hidden, and I've been poor before.


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You need a lawyer anyway.

If you are deposed and asked about assets or whatever, and you lie about your bankroll, you would be committing perjury.

If you own a house, that's a significant enough asset to worry about, seriously.

And close those joint accounts asap.

Re: She left me
 

I've been through this twice. My advice. Don't let her walk all over you. Loving someone doesnt make it alright for them to [censored] all over you. Let her know you want to save the marriage but not at the cost to your dignity.

Decide what's important to you and let her know what you expect of her. Listen to her and hear what she is saying. If you can give her what she is asking for and it is worth it to you do it and expect her to hold up her end of the bargain.

Be prepared though, for in my experience and from what I have seen, when things get to the point where you are its usually over. Sorry, hopefully like me, you will look back on this and realize that it was the best thing that could ever happen to you. Good luck.

Re: She left me
 

Dids: I am not a pragmatist, you're right. But neither, I thought, was she. I wouldn't have married her if I thought it was possible that something like this could happen. She always claimed to be more against divorce than me...Of course, we still haven't said the D word...but it seems more and more likely to me.

Rowboat: The worst part is that we were never unhappy. She doesn't claim to be miserable...just...out of love.

Thinman: Thanks...nice to see your softer side.

kneel: Nope no kids. Just a dog.

blufoon: I think you're right about the dignity. I've been thinking about that a lot.

Re: She left me
 

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1. She is almost certianly cheating on you.


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Yeah, 'cause clearly you have enough information to assume this.

To me "I don't believe in divorce" is basically "I am not a pragmatist" which bothers me.

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I've known a few women who behaved much like the OP's wife, who said similar things that the OP's wife has said, and all of them were having affairs. The OP's original thread makes it clear that there is someone else. The OP suspected it at the time, but couldn't admit it to himself. That's not to say the OP's wife is *definitely* having an affair, but I'd definitely be willing to bet that she is.

Her talk of "never having loved/been attracted to" the OP smacks of a woman who is justifying her behaviour to herself. Since she sees the marriage as being unfixable, she sees no reason to deny herself some other guy who has appeared in her life and seems oh so wonderful.