Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

This has not happened to me, as I have no significant other, but it is a question my co-workers and I discussed this afternoon.

Assume you have a significant other that you have been dating for a long period of time, or you have in the recent past married. This person is the absolute love of your life, you love everything about him or her, and you find the person to be extremely attractive physically. Both of you are currently in much better shape than the average person.

Two years pass from the point in the previous paragraph, you have either extended your long-term relationship by two years, or your marriage by two years. In these two years your significant other has put on fifty pounds of fat. She or he has stopped working out, and consumes a large amount of unhealthy food. Your significant other is not a woman who has had any children, or had any other medical event occur, that you know of, that has added to his or her weight increase. To the best of your knowledge the person has gained fat because of newfound laziness, and knowledge that he or she no longer needs to keep in quite as good shape because he or she is in a meaningful relationship. You have kept yourself in about the same shape as the two years ago time period, so you are still looking great, congratulations.

What would you do in this situation?

What would you do in this situation if you were no longer happy with your significant others appearance, and after questioning his or her appearance, he or she made it clear that he or she will make no effort to lose their excess fifty pounds?

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I wouldnt have let her gain more than the first 20lbs she put on, so its wouldnt be an issue.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Time for an upgrade to this year's model.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I'd probably lay hints that she should get into shape...OTOH, it's not uncommon for guys to gain significant weight as they age and that's not a big deal to them.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Just be honest with her. If she loves you she will want to make you happy. Be very supportive. Not rocket science imo.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

This is the exact reason why I dumped my girlfriend of two years. I don't think it makes me a bad person either. She gained about 30 pounds and I just stopped being attracted to her.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

My wife wrote this recently in her blog, and Rule Number 10 seems apropriate:

Having been in one miserable marriage and one happy one, here is what I have learned:
1. Say please and thank you. Just because you are intimate doesn't mean you don't need to give your significant other (SO) the respect of common courtesy. No one likes to be taken for granted or treated like a hired hand, or worse.

2. Pick your battles. Defer to your partner on the small things, and hope that they return the favor proportionately. But really, MOST things are not worth making your SO miserable over, and collectively they will kill the relationship, so think carefully before you make a mountain over a mole hill. Don't torture them. Just break up if you want out.

3. Do more than your share. Work in the home is never completely 50/50. Expecting it to be only creates an opportunity for tension. My rule is if you don't feel like you're doing 70f the work, you're probably not doing enough. Also, there should be an understanding that the person with the lowest tolerance of filth and clutter will be taking care of it sooner. Don't resent you making your home better for you. If you find a partner who will say "Thank you!" for it, you've hit the jackpot. Be that partner, which leads me to -

4. Be that partner. Strive to be the sort of partner you would want to be with. If you were your SO, would you like being with you?

5. Have your own money. At my house, we have his, hers and ours bank accounts. It may sound complicated, but it sure does make life simpler in many ways. Either one of us can splurge on a toy at any time if we have the money in our individual accounts. That's just the kind of freedom that should come with being a grown up. Don't get into a relationship that won't allow you that. Along with that comes

6. Pull your own weight. Its OK to depend on one another, but return the favor and don't be a burden. And be patient when its your turn to pull the weight. If its too one sided, you're not in a relationship of equals and you should get out if it bothers you. Children and stay-at-home mom/dad issues are something we haven't encountered yet. But that is something that should be exhaustively discussed beforehand.

7. Offer praise at every opportunity. Be very measured with criticism. It really helps when you notice your SO doing something good.

8. Your SO is not a project. Adults come As-Is. Your efforts to change someone into the perfect partner will only frustrate both of you. If they are not that person when you meet and as the relationship moves along, heed the red flags and stop wasting both of your lives and find someone who already is. Think about it - how eager are you to be shaped and molded into someone you're not just to please someone else? Wouldn't you rather have someone who loves you as you are? Return the favor, or move on. I'll say it again: Adults come As-Is.

9. Have a life. And let them have a life. Your SO is not your therapist, and not your everything. Yes, tell them your sorrows and your triumphs, but after 10 times, they get tired of it. Have outside friends to hang out with and talk to. Its good for you, good for your relationship.

10. Don't get fat. It's the most inconsiderate and selfish thing for you to do to your (expected) monogamous sexual partner. Take care of yourself, and they should do the same for you. Stay sexy, because sex is a healthy part of being human. If you let yourself go, you are only inviting them to temptation, and it comes to a point where its just cruel to expect them to continue to service your fat repulsive ass. If you insist on the KFC every day and you must have that to be fulfilled as a person, you need to discuss and be open to an open relationship. Be considerate and be the partner you would want if you were them. If not, you will soon find yourself with either an unexplainable STD or unexpected divorce papers. Believe it.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Solid post borodog. Your wife is wise.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I am very lucky.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

i started getting fat in my senior year of college after being pretty diesel sophomore and softening up junior year.

i just kicked myself in the ass post grad and started jamming (helped that my SO broke my heart temporarily)


she started to put on a little weight after we got together and i found that the easiest way to get around flat out hurting her feelings by telling her that she's getting big is tosimply lead by example.

i kept getting in better and better shape and put pressure on her to do the same through my actions but not through painful words.

telling a girl she isgetting fat is going to cause a problem- she's usually well aware of the fact and would like to change.



if she kept putting on poundage and didn't fall in line then i'd like to think that i'd speak up against her weightgain but i haven't had to yet.

btw i'm not trying to hype myself up- i'm just in decent shape.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I've always thought gentle nudging together would do the trick. "Hey, baby-sugarcakes-pie, let's go to the gym together. When do you think we should go?"

Do whatever cardio she wants. You won't fool her, but gently giving her the message is part of the point.
-Sam

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Good blog by your wife Borodog. I could have used a smaller number Guids, I agree with you that 20 lbs. is probably too much. I realize that overtime fat levels increase somewhat, but I would not accept a large immediate increase, or too a point beyond normal increase. I told the people at my work I would do everything I could to help my significant other to lose the weight, but if she put no effort at all, and was not losing the weight I would end the relationship.

I really do not think its being a jerk or anything, it comes down to you entered the relationship being attracted to the woman based on her mental capability, and her looks, and other aspects. If she lets her looks or body image go to hell your not with the same woman. She has not held up to her end of the deal in a sense. If I gained 20-30 pounds of fat I would expect the woman to leave me.

It may be needless to say, but the women involved in the converstation now think I am a bigger a-hole than they already did, lucky for me the ones mad at me have 70+ pounds to lose.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

You're a lucky guy, Borodog!

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
To the best of your knowledge the person has gained fat because of newfound laziness, and knowledge that he or she no longer needs to keep in quite as good shape because he or she is in a meaningful relationship. You have kept yourself in about the same shape as the two years ago time period, so you are still looking great, congratulations.

[/ QUOTE ]

That person no longer values you, kick him/her to the curb.

Melch

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I noticed that in the other thread. Nice to see a woman writing with reason about such a thing, instead of making or enabling excuses.

I would take a partner not wanting to be sexually attractive to me as extremely dispiriting and a kind of sexual abandonment, as well as an emotional one. I would take someone wanting me to be sexually attracted to her no matter how badly she let herself go as selfish and irrational.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

OOT guide to lyposuction

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Strange because I just had this convo with my roomate, we decided the absolute cutoff was 45lbs gained before you have to break up or tell her she has to lose some weight if this is someone you actualy care about. In reality though you're probably getting upset way before this.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
It may be needless to say, but the women involved in the converstation now think I am a bigger a-hole than they already did, lucky for me the ones mad at me have 70+ pounds to lose.

[/ QUOTE ]

70 pounds??? And they had the balls to participate in this conversation in the first place?

Women that are 70 pounds overweight should be too [censored] ashamed to talk about anything fat-related other than 'I really REALLY need to lose this and will do xyz to accomplish that.' Women who are 70 pounds overweight and show behavior indicating that they are not ashamed, and somehow defend themselves for being that fat, deserve to be ridiculed and put down in public.

Damn, how [censored] hard is it to stay in reasonable shape? I understand, metabolism slows down and what not, but there is simlpy no excuse for 70 pounds. My mom had 5 kids, doesn't really exercise, no unusual diet, and is nowhere near 70 pounds overweight.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
Get rid of her. Not rocket science imo.

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

End it, quickly.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

I think if your wife gained that much weight due to no physical or mental complications, then part of the blame has to fall on you. if she was still attracted to you then she probably wouldn't have done that.

you know the fat blonde lady on that show Cheaters sneaking around with your work colleague? That's your wife.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
telling a girl she is getting fat is going to cause a problem- she's usually well aware of the fact and would like to change.



[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah right. You mean to say that she's usually well into denial and would like to change her happy meal for a super size serving.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

"gained Fifty pounds"

WTF? If most attractive chicks gained 20 lbs they would enter into unbangable.

Either you goofed up on the number, or you have a very poor understanding of Body Mass Index. Fifty pounds for a man is a ton of weight. For a women it is Whale-Territory.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

Man, you guys have a lot to learn.

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[ QUOTE ]
WTF? If most attractive chicks gained 20 lbs they would enter into unbangable.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe for you!

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[ QUOTE ]
"gained Fifty pounds"

WTF? If most attractive chicks gained 20 lbs they would enter into unbangable.


[/ QUOTE ]

Depends on the woman and body type. My wife is 5'9" and incredibly curvy. She can range 20 lbs. still look pretty good. She can't gi too thin actually or she start to look too emaciated because her chest/waist/hip ratio is curvy enough bones stick out where they shouldn't.

Now, take a more slimly built 5'4" girl and 20 pounds is a huge, huge swing.

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[ QUOTE ]
"gained Fifty pounds"

WTF? If most attractive chicks gained 20 lbs they would enter into unbangable.

[/ QUOTE ]

No.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

what are all you guys going to do when you get to 50 or 60 and your wife sags & wrinkles in places you never imagined could sag or wrinkle? Is that when you trade them in?

Listening to a bunch of 22yr olds talk about "if that bitch puts on 20lbs she gets kicked to the curb!" is laughable. You have NO idea what real life does to your time and your body. No idea. Just do society a favor and don't get married any time soon.

~FishNChips

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

FnC,

The point of this thread is not to talk about geriatric love-making. It was specified that this is basically a couple in their twenties. And if your girlfriend/wife puts on 50 pounds when she's 25 years old, she is a cow.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]

Listening to a bunch of 22yr olds talk about "if that bitch puts on 20lbs she gets kicked to the curb!" is laughable.

[/ QUOTE ]

actually im 23. and which is more laughable, you commenting on an OP you obviously didnt read or kids in their 20s dumping a girl because she got fat. i think you win!

rj

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

50 pounds is totally out of hand and you need to act early in order to avoid such an extreme case.

My recommendation is that if your SO gains 2-3 pounds or whatever you can notice, you need to exercise more and do some weights in order to improve your own appearance. In my experience it is a great way to lead by example and it works. Do not wait, a woman can dress in a way to hide weight gain for a while but waiting before addressing the situation sends the wrong message.

A tricky case is a woman who lost a lot of weight before meeting you and is just gaining it back. I didn't have to face that but it can be more challenging.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
I've always thought gentle nudging together would do the trick. "Hey, baby-sugarcakes-pie, let's go to the gym together. When do you think we should go?"

Do whatever cardio she wants. You won't fool her, but gently giving her the message is part of the point.
-Sam

[/ QUOTE ]

for the "together" thing, try actvities liike hiking, or even a walk in the park if you or she is really out of shape. maybe even suggest (or book it as a surprise) a vacation to a warm (swimsuit) place.

the thing is to give her the incentive to work out/get in shape on her own. when she realizes that she can't make it around the park without losing her breath, r when she goes bikini shopping in the tent department, she'll be motivated, most likely. once she gets in the habit, she's more likely to stick to it.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
what are all you guys going to do when you get to 50 or 60 and your wife sags & wrinkles in places you never imagined could sag or wrinkle? Is that when you trade them in?

Listening to a bunch of 22yr olds talk about "if that bitch puts on 20lbs she gets kicked to the curb!" is laughable. You have NO idea what real life does to your time and your body. No idea. Just do society a favor and don't get married any time soon.

~FishNChips

[/ QUOTE ]

Disease and injury can take their toll, but a lot of it is choice, too. My dad was playing tennis into his 70's, and beating kids when he was still in his 60's. My mom gets a lot of exercise and eats moderately, and isn't fat even though she's in her 60's. Neither of them really made any point of exercise in their lives, or of going on strange or harsh diets. They just do things in moderation and keep active.

It really works.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

There's something to this, as to the post above which talks about leading by example.

If you don't want your wife to get fat and lazy, don't get fat and lazy yourself.

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[ QUOTE ]
I am very lucky.

[/ QUOTE ]

I remember your "Playboy Mansion" thread. From what I remember, you go far and beyond "lucky".

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[ QUOTE ]
Just be honest with her. If she loves you she will want to make you happy. Be very supportive. Not rocket science imo.

[/ QUOTE ]

Correction: If she loves you, and you dont say it like an [censored], she will accept your honesty and lose the weight to MAKE HERSELF HAPPY. Cause she should never lose it just to make you happy. She should do it for reasons of health, and her own self image.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
Cause she should never lose it just to make you happy.


[/ QUOTE ]

"Just"? Two people who want to be together should hold each other's happiness in pretty high regard.

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

My wife is 5 foot 5, 310 pounds, and I honestly could not care less. I love her regardless of how much or how little she weighs. As far as sexual attractiveness, it's not a problem for me since I've never found large women unattractive....it's the skinny Kate Moss-types that I've always thought were disgusting. I'd rather bang a pillow than a twig any day.

I would like her to lose weight for one reason only...that it may cause serious health problems somewhere down the line that would take her away from me sooner than she should go. If you think that sounds sappy or that I'm whipped, oh well. You're entitled to your opinion. Outside of my immediate family, she's the only person I've ever met in my life who I know has my best interests at heart, and who loves me for myself. I dated normal-sized, maybe even a few "classically beautiful" women for years before I met Becky, and I noticed 2 things that gradually removed any "anti-fat" bias I might have once had:

1.) In retrospect, the sex wasn't noticeably better, and was in many ways worse because a lot of the "attractive" women tend to lay there like an log on quaaludes, and,
2.) No matter how good the sex is, you have to also spend the -other- 23 and a half hours of the day with them.

My point? There are a hell of a lot of things more important to me in choosing a partner than the size of their waistline. I'll love her if she gains 200 pounds, and I'll love her if she loses 200. I'm extremely happy with the woman I ended up with, and the reasons why have nothing to do with size.

--Scott

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

[ QUOTE ]
My wife is 5 foot 5, 310 pounds, and I honestly could not care less.


[/ QUOTE ]

Can this be taken more than one way?

Re: Significant Other Gains A Large Amount Of Fat
 

This is different then someone who's gf starts out at a certain weight when they get together, and then lets themself go after they've been together for a while.