The 2+2 Forum Archives: Germany Trip Report (poker/porn/whorehouses?/pics inside)

I'm going to do this in multiple parts, assuming the interest is there. This was a great trip and should make a hilarious trip report.

Day 1
So the first day was two days in one. We left Indianapolis at 5:55pm. A 22 minute flight to Cincy, then a 7 hour flight to Paris, a few hours of layover, and a short flight to Dusseldorf. 15 hours later, I've had a total of maybe an hour of sleep (just couldn't sleep on the plane) in the last 24+ hours, and now it's like 2 in the afternoon local time in Dusseldorf. So here's where things get somewhat interesting, because we have no planned mode of transportation from Dusseldorf to Dortmund.
We walk out of the airport and see a bunch of cabs lined up (all Benz' by the way). So I'm like, "I bet cab drivers speak english. Since they speak all other languages in America, I assume overseas they speak english." So we ask cab drivers where Dortmund is, how far, the cost, other methods of transportation, etc. The second one speaks english. He is very nice and helpful, and points us towards the train station. As we're walking toward the train station, a random guy dressed in black approaches us. He asks (in very broken english) if we need a cab. We ask him how much to Dortmund, and he says 40 euro. Weird, the other cab driver said 90, that's a pretty large desparity. We try to ask him how long it will take, but he doesn't understand. So Jimmie looks at me and says, "100% for sure this guy wants to rape and kill us. You have to ask yourself, do you want to wake up in a bathtub somewhere with no kidney wishing that you had just paid 90 euros for the damn cab?" I tell him to watch what he's saying, but eventually we both read this guys face (we're poker players, obv) and he's definitely got no idea what we're saying, he's just nodding and smiling. So, we procede to have a short conversation about the black market for human organs in Europe. Eventually, we tell this guy thanks but no thanks, and he heads off and disappears into the shadows (seriously).

We go to the train station and there are very few people there. We find what appears to be a ticket terminal, but we can't understand a [censored] word of it. We look at the map, and we think we've got it figured out. We hop on a train that goes one stop and then get off to change trains. We are at some station called Unterhoff, or something, and Jimmie tries to hop me on some train right away going the opposite direction. I'm more careful and unsure, not wanting to end up in some German ghetto with Hitler's descendants bargaining for my organs. We don't get on. I recheck the map. That was definitely the right train. [censored]. We wait 30 minutes for the same train route to run again, and then we head to Dortmund.

We both fall asleep on the train, but thankfully awake in time for the Dortmund Hbf station. We get off there, hungry and tired, as dusk approaches. We jump in a Benz cab and say "Holiday Inn Express." Driver looks at us and says "Express? Express!" to which we just nod in agreement. Whatever. We get there, and I ship him a 20 euro bill and tell him to keep it, even though the cab ride was only 12. I'm not sure if that was balla or stupid, but I lean towards the latter the more and more I think about it.

The Holiday Inn is alright. Kind of standard and smallish, but clean and the girls working behind the counter are all beautiful and speak good english. We throw our [censored] down and head to the casino, hopefully to find some kind of welcome party for UB. We take a cab to the casino, that [censored] costs like 22 euros. We talk to a bunch of people at the casino, but no one knows anything about a UB party. Finally, a big shot at the casino knows about a Stars welcome party. I remember that I've played strictly on Stars cash games the last few months, and I saw in my poker tracker that I'd paid like 20k in rake, so I figure Lee Jones owes me a meal. We hop in another cab, tell him the name of the place that the Stars party is, and we're on the move again. A couple minutes later, we start driving down this back alley by the river, past warehouses with no lights, and pull up to this shack with two barrels with fire inside them. There are people near the entrance with their face painted and silver and black on. I figure they are either misplaced Oakland Raider fans, or leaders of the cult that is about to dice us up and sell our kidneys. We get out anyways and head for the door, turns out there is a Poker Stars party for players afterall. We sneak in pretty easily and get free drinks and chill for a while. Lee Jones is there schmoozing with everyone, but if feels like only a handful of people speak english. Coca-Cola is universal though, so I'm not complaining.

We meet a friendly canadian face who works for Poker Listings named Matt. He is very chill and says he is also looking for someone who speaks english. We talk to him for probably an hour or something and then the food comes out. First, some appetizers with random samples of things that look like they should be cooked first before eaten, but definitely are not. We pick at those plates, but mostly pass. The main courses come out, chicken or shish-kebob. They come out of the kitch a few at a time with a waiter, and before long there are literally a dozen people waiting at the door for the food to come out. One waiter, who I'm pretty sure was homosexual and had a crush on Jimmie, broke through the huddle and hooked us up with some plates of chicken. We eat it and then part ways with Matt, who promises to get us on the website if we make any noise in the main event. We get back to the hotel after another cab ride. The cab drivers were all pretty normal; if they didn't speak english, they did what they could to bridge the gap. However, we spent at least 200 US dollars on cabs in the first day, and that just seemed like a lot of money to me.

We're asleep by midnight.

Day 2

Day 1a of the EPT Dortmund, March 8, 2007. Jimmie has a seat in the tournament through UB, but since it was capped I couldn't get in. We oversleep, but still get out of the hotel around noon. Our cab driver this time is very cool and speaks a lot of english. He asks if we like Germany, and we affirm that we do so far. He then says, "Why? They are all [censored]. Everyone is angry." We all laugh at that. He asks if we have been to any clubs yet, and we say no we haven't been here very long. He highly recommends the clubs. He tells us, "The clubs are great. For 60 euro, you get in a sauna and pick which one you want to [censored]. This was, you get to see what you [censored] before you [censored] it." We are somewhat shocked, but explode with laughter. It only gets better. He goes on, " For 10 more euro, you [censored] her in the ass." Jimmie makes a comment about how sweet it would be if he ends up with a wife that is like that, he can just pay her to do whatever even if she doesn't feel like doing it. Our lecture is not over, "And for 10 more euros, you can come in her mouth." This guy is great, we are cracking up. We driver further and he points out something he called a "special bakery." Then he says some boarded up building used to be a whorehouse, but it got shutdown. When we get to the casino, we are still smiling. We pay him and thank him, and he ships us his card; in case we need prostitutes, apparently.

The casino is a zoo and Jimmie gets in a long line for registration. Some kids hear us talking about how the tournament is capped and I'm looking to register for it. They speak very little english, but they approach us about the transaction of a seat. The kid wants 5,500 euros for a 5,200 seat. Even combined, we didn't bring that kind of cash with us, but I've got an idea. I remembered how Stars had given out so much money at the PCA, so I set out to find Lee Jones to see what he can do. I find him and explain the situation. He's a problem solver, so he sets to task. After contacting a handful of people, Lee actually tells me that Stars can't let me withdrawl because they don't control the cage here; however, Lee thinks they've got an empty seat themselves. Bingo. He confirms that they reserved 140 seats and only have 139 players, and pulls $7,000 from my Stars account. So now I'm playing in two hours on Day 1a. My seat assignment comes soon, all unknown euro-donks. Scrumptious.

The EPT Dortmund was pretty much garbage in more ways than one. I mean, 10k in starting chips and 60 minute levels is just about as bad as it can get. On top of that, they didn't introduce antes at the 100-200 level. The dealers were just embarrassing and some didn't speak english. Casino Hoyensburg is obviously a small time casino without poker the rest of the year. I heard they tried to run the tournament themselves instead of bringing in outside resources, and it definitely showed that they were new at it.

Like I said, my table was bad. The was a guy playing LAG in seat 8 who seemed to think he was a hotshot. A younger kid to my right was American, but I didn't recognize him. He played pretty tight aggressive and seemed to know what he was doing, so I was glad I had position on him. He didn't seem to pick up any hands until he ran mid set into a flopped straight and busted. I'd meet him later in the week. My tournament was pretty straightforward. I didn't play many big pots at all. My chip count rose steadily, staying between 9,500 and 14,000 for the first three hours. I have just over 13,000 when this hand comes up:

UTG+1 (donk, but straightforward, poor bet sizing; no history) raises to 600. I pick up AA in the CO and reraise to 1750. I think this is my third or fourth three bet in the tournament, and I'm clearly the second most active player at the table. Suddenly, the laggy BB cold calls with only about 8k to start the hand. WTF? Good I suppose. The opener obviously tags along too. The flop is a delightful 9 7 2 rainbow. BB checks, opener donks 1500 into 5k+. I think for a few seconds and call (expert), but to my dismay the BB mucks pretty quickly. The turn is an ugly 10 and the opener shoves fairly quickly. I read him for extreme strength, but there is no way I can fold based on the amount of money that went in preflop and the fact this guy might think QQ is just as much the nuts as top set. I take like 30 seconds to call, and he triumphantly turns over three nines (well, he only turned over two of them, but a third played on the board). For some reason, all I can think of is: "Jesus people play badly."

So I'm short, and I bust out later when I shove 78o from MP and run into AK. I'm continually amazed at how awful live tournament play is. I'm optimistic about my future in them as well, constantly finding spots to pick up free chips. Jimmie busted out just before I did so we were both free for the night. We want to get the [censored] out of the casino, so we take a cab back to the hotel.

When we get back to the hotel, we decide to explore around it. There's a train station just across the highway. Instead of walking a few hundred years to take the stairs that go under the highway, Jimmie decides we should sprint across. Besides, rush hour was probably almost over by now anyways. Before I can even protest, he's sprinting at the first reasonable opening between cars. I follow instinctively, having flashbacks from the Frogger episode of Seinfeld. We make it across alive. The signs for the train are all in German, so we don't know what the [censored] is going on. We just decide that the next train that comes by will be our train. A few minutes later a nearly empty train stops at the station. There are two girls on it, but that's about it. We are exciting to get on the train so I can use the only pickup line at my disposal- "Do you speak english?" My dreams are thwarted, however, when the train stops but the doors do not open. [censored]. Weird. We smile and make inappropriate gestures to the girls on the train as it pulls away. In case you haven't noticed, you get the courage of 10,000 men when a train is moving and you know no one can do anything to stop it.

We go back to the hotel. There are a couple of fun channels on the TV. First, there are two channels with ten second advertisement clips of naked girls doing beautiful things to themselves and a number next to them to call or text them. Ha, Germans are very horny and open about it. Another channel has a girl selling something, like the shopping network, except she's getting progressively naked. Sweet. She's got an amazing rack, and we are dying of laughter because when she jumps or moves excitedly, well, the twins do too. Also on TV is quite possibly the greatest show in the history of television: Carstuck Girls. This is not [censored], what I'm about to describe to you is a real show. Carstuck Girls is exactly what is sounds like. Essentially, a scantily clad damsel driving an automobile off-road gets stuck in some sort of soft terrain. For instance, girl in a red mini dress decides to go driving on the beach. So says something awesome like, "I love to go off-roading!" and then starts driving around. Seconds later, her wheels are spinning in the sand and she can't move. She gets out and examines the situation. Then, she proclaims (and I think this is the key to the show), "Oh no, I'm stuck!" Sometimes they dig a little around the tires, usually to no avail. She gets back in and floors it again. Me and Jimmie are seriously thinking about how they must be ruining these cars, because she's really been going to town on the gas pedal. Basically, that's how it ends. Sometimes they get out, sometimes they stay stuck; it's really a great mystery to mankind.
Sigh. Long live Carstuck Girls, the show that must be real because there is just no way I could think that [censored] up.
(Google Carstuck Girls and check out the images if you want.)

Will be many more pictures and you can answer whether or not we went to a whorehouse in the next writeup.

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