gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
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Good drunken debate from a few nights ago.
The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?
The specifics:
- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.
I set my magic number at 30, but upon reflection, I think I could take on a few more. How many could you take on?
Edited by gonores (01/17/05 11:27 PM)
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Dynasty
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If the kids get a little training, there's no way you can take on 30. One of them is going to get in a good shot below the belt. Then another will. Then another. You'll go down soon enough. Soon, you'll be getting kicked in the head and then it's lights-out.
You'd be lucky to handle 10.
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[censored]
He Will Return.
Reged: 01/03/05
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all of them.
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fsuplayer
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since i have worked out now for 3 straight weeks and therefore am in better shape than you, i say your score, plus one...
31 
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Evan
Defeated Soldier
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No way you can take on 30. I think the number is in the single digits.
Also, does the fact that I might have a hard time really hitting a 5 year old matter? Or should I just assume that if the situation were to arise I could go after them full on?
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Alobar
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damn, this could very well be the best hypothetical question ever posed on these boards
I think 30 is waaaay to high. Imagine 30 5 year olds all swarming you at once, biting you in the balls, gouging(sp) your eyes. If they handt had training first then I think you could do 30, but if they actually followed the training, no way in hell.
Your average 5 year old weights what? 40 pounds? So figure 15 of them weigh around 600 pounds. If they all swarmed you at once thats alot of weight.
Hmmm, I see it being really dificult for them to knock you out tho, they lack the power I would think. But if they all bit you or tore at your manhood I think the loss of blood/pain would do the trick. I dunno...I think I could take 10 definately, 15 would be hard. 20 tops.
damn, this is going to require much reflection. Someday when I'm uber rich I'm gunna buy a [censored] load of 5 year olds on the black market and try this out
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Mark L
noob
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ok, so you start in the middle of the room, they surround you and charge in from all directions at the same time?
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
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Posts: 2466
Loc: Same Bat Channel
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You start in the middle, they start at random locations in the room.
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CCx
HUHU for nickels
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Wouldn't you hurt your hand something fierce after knocking out about 10-15 of them? I suppose punching would be the method of choice since slamming their heads into the ground would put your body lower towards the ground, increasing their chances of taking you down. I'd imagine you'd break at least one finger/bone/knuckle during your encounter, thus limiting your number.
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Schneids
3 BB/100
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Are you allowed to use one the kids to wield at other kids ala a sword?
It is not hard at all to swing them around and if so then i have a feeling you could just swing around in a little circle and knock them all out as they get close to you.
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lapoker17
wtf
Reged: 09/14/04
Posts: 4988
Loc: FEELING YOU
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Zero in on the one who appears toughest - Kick his ass and then you own the rest of them.
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
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Loc: Same Bat Channel
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The latter one....no morals involved. And c'mon....I'm a relatively decent-sized 23 year-old. Once my trainers advise me as to whether roundhouse punches or roundhouse kicks are more effective, I've got to be dropping most of those rugrats in one or two blows. Having coached 5 year-olds on the soccer field, I can say with near-certainty I could take on my entire team of 12 with no problems.
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Alobar
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Quote:
Are you allowed to use one the kids to wield at other kids ala a sword?
It is not hard at all to swing them around and if so then i have a feeling you could just swing around in a little circle and knock them all out as they get close to you.
damn, brilliant idea
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Michael Davis
Little Pimp
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I think this question is way more interesting if the kids aren't trained. Then you could take on a ton.
-Michael
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NLSoldier
something about how awesome i run NOT
Reged: 02/18/04
Posts: 8080
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I am surprised at these answers. I am not that strong of a guy but I was thinking a way bigger number. Probably over 100. Do you guys realize how small 5 yr olds are? One kick to the face and they would be down for the count. The area would be pretty big and you are obviously a lot faster than them so you could just kind of run at around and pick off the ones on the edges of the mob without letting yourself get surrounded. Also I think you guys overestimate how much the training would help them. They probably woulnd't pay much attention to the teacher and wouldn't remember what they had learned the next day anyways. Their biting and whatever else would be no match for your constantly flailing arms and legs that would take them down with a single blow. And how are they ever going to get you to go unconscious? Even if they got you on the ground you could just keep flailing your arms and kicking your legs and they would be no match for you. Plus alot of them would be scared of you despite their training. Thats probably one of the biggest factors. Once they see you kicking their freinds ass they are going to go try to hide in the corner and then you can just go take em down 1 by 1. Im starting to think 100 is even low, fill up the whole damn gym.
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Mark L
noob
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how tall is the avg 5 yr old?
i actually think 30 is a pretty good number, but it could easily be much higher. the fact that you have to be knocked unconscious is what does it. these kids have to get you on the ground and hit you pretty friggin hard. even when your on the ground with a few of them on you, it shouldnt be too hard to get them off.
PLUS, at their height its probably pretty easy to kick them in the face (unless youre Evan). this might knock them unconscious right away.
whoever said the answer is single digits is stupid, stupid, stupid.
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Alobar
Carpal \'T-shirt
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Quote:
I think this question is way more interesting if the kids aren't trained. Then you could take on a ton.
-Michael
naw, without training it would be to easy, it would basically last until you ran out of stregnth from dropping them like flies.
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slickpoppa
*
Reged: 08/23/04
Posts: 5588
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30 would be a piece of cake. I mean what could they really do to you besides bite you? And how would they be able to knock you out? Even if they are given training, I doubt they would be any good at working as a team and they probably would all just scatter in fear.
In terms of knocking them out, I would prefer to use my feet to avoid breaking a knuckle, but I doubt any of them would be heavy enough to really damage my knuckles anyway. My primary kill tactic would be to knock them down and slam their heads against the ground.
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Stork
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I'm not going to post my estimate just yet but damn Dynasty, only 10? First off, 1 day of combat training isn't going to mean anything, they'll forget it all by nap time the next day. Also, 1 hit to the face or torso region sends these punks sprawling and crying on the ground. Plus, they'd be scared shitless. These are real 5 year olds we're talking about, not some cryogenically frozen mutant kids hellbent on seeing your demise. 10 is a gross underestimate.
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realwtf
enthusiast
Reged: 07/22/04
Posts: 236
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I would go up to 53.
Ity would be a wholescale slaughter. Those little people would be in a world of pain.
Oh and training them? 5 year olds have a 10 second attention span. Half of them still piss there pants . Think they can remember team work and martial arts?
Edited by realwtf (01/17/05 11:26 PM)
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Alobar
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have you ever been kicked, punched, or bitten in the balls? I Think you are underestimating the damage 5 year olds could do.
You bring up a very good point tho, once you drop the first one and the blood flies the lot of them are going to piss them selves and run screaming.
I think we should add that they are all hopped up on PCP and rabid. That way the psycholical effect of you smashing their little friends doesnt effect the total number you could take down.
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
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Loc: Same Bat Channel
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Quote:
Plus alot of them would be scared of you despite their training.
I forgot to mention that. We must assume there is a motivating force greater than fear at work for the kiddies here. Maybe I'll bribe them with a juice box if they succeed. Either way, they aren't going to get scared.
I fixed the main post to reflect this.
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Brain
Some Sort of Royalty OTKP
Reged: 12/29/03
Posts: 3364
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I just hope we don't mistake you for them if you're in the gym watching. 
I think I could handle a bunch of them. I'm 6'3 and they're not getting anywhere inside my long reach.
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Stork
veteran
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Dynasty, I think you skimmed a little too hastily over this stipulation:
Quote:
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
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brassnuts
[censored]
Reged: 01/28/04
Posts: 1873
Loc: A Wizard draws near!
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This would be like the Neo-Smith fight scene in Matrix Reloaded. I think I could take on way more than 30. I don't see how they could ever knock me out. Plus the fact that only a limited number of them could be attacking me at once. I think I could go on until I'm completely wore out. So... my answer is a lot.
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Alobar
Carpal \'T-shirt
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Quote:
I just hope we don't mistake you for them if you're in the gym watching.
I think I could handle a bunch of them. I'm 6'3 and they're not getting anywhere inside my long reach.
you people are waaay over estimating your strength. They arent coming at you 1 at a time in single file. This isnt a chick norris movie. Its going to be a swarm of them. Thats ALOT of weight, and you are incapable of defending your entire body against their biting. It wouldnt be too hard for 15 5 year olds to swarm you and bring you to the ground.
Its like watching the UFC, the karate guys never win, cuz its to easy to get inside someones reach and take them down. Sure you could fling 2 or 3, 5 year olds away, but you've got the combined weight of 10 more dragging you to the ground.
Edited by Alobar (01/17/05 11:29 PM)
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mmcd
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I think the most important variable in this situation is the type of training. If it's just individual hand to hand combat training, then the number would be relatively large, but if they are taught to attack cohesively as a unit, then I would say no more than 20.
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slickpoppa
*
Reged: 08/23/04
Posts: 5588
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Quote:
Quote:
Plus alot of them would be scared of you despite their training.
I forgot to mention that. We must assume there is a motivating force greater than fear at work for the kiddies here. Maybe I'll bribe them with a juice box if they succeed. Either way, they aren't going to get scared.
I don't think that that is possible. No mattter how you motivate them, most of them will get scared.
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Stork
veteran
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Quote:
. You'll go down soon enough.
This is crucial. If you go down with kids on top of you, you may be done for. But if there was no one on top, you may be able to get back up again if your quick. But 5-year olds are just about the weakest people on the planet next to babies, so you'd have to be really skinny and out of shape for there to be a chance that they take you down.
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NLSoldier
something about how awesome i run NOT
Reged: 02/18/04
Posts: 8080
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Quote:
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
have you ever been kicked, punched, or bitten in the balls?
Did you miss the part about the cup?
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Evan
Defeated Soldier
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 14351
Loc: startupping
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Tell ya what, you set this up and I'll give you 5-1 on your magic number of 30. I'll even fly out to Wisconsin to watch.
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Alobar
Carpal \'T-shirt
Reged: 11/05/03
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Loc: spite shoving minraises
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Quote:
Quote:
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
have you ever been kicked, punched, or bitten in the balls?
Did you miss the part about the cup?
yeah I did.....still they have teeth, and the jaw is the strongest muscle in the body
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
Posts: 2466
Loc: Same Bat Channel
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Quote:
Are you allowed to use one the kids to wield at other kids ala a sword?
I guess you could, but I'd like to think the trainers would teach them how to take advantage of the natural weaknesses you expose when you are swinging the kid around.
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Stork
veteran
Reged: 07/03/03
Posts: 1474
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Quote:
I think the most important variable in this situation is the type of training. If it's just individual hand to hand combat training, then the number would be relatively large, but if they are taught to attack cohesively as a unit, then I would say no more than 20.
I think the OP mentioned that they would be taught to attack cohesively as a unit, but still though, 1 day of training isn't gunna change a thing.
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mmcd
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After I seeing the stipulation about the cup, I think 30-35 is more reasonable, but if they are acting cohesively, that would still be pretty tough. Probably a couple of them would work their way behind you and get on the ground and like 7 or 8 of them would bull-rush you from the front forcing you to trip. Once you're on the ground, 4 or 5 of them would be responsible for securing each arm and leg, and the remaining ones would just stomp on your head until you are unconscious.
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rJ_
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Quote:
Zero in on the one who appears toughest - Kick his ass and then you own the rest of them.
Not often to i really laugh out loud reading OOT, but this did it.
rJ
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The DaveR
Ponger
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Loc: IMA CUT U, WTF CANADA
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Dude, you're short and easily reachable. Assuming they go all at once and not in the kung-fu movie style one at a time, your nutsack is toast before you take down 10.
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El Diablo
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I think the number is a lot less than people think, and definitely less than 30.
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astroglide
retired
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best oot question ever.
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scotnt73
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/03
Posts: 1958
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Quote:
Quote:
Zero in on the one who appears toughest - Kick his ass and then you own the rest of them.
Not often to i really laugh out loud reading OOT, but this did it.
rJ
same here. thread of the year in my opinion. i actually called my wife over to read this.
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The Dude
El Duderino
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I think a huge factor that many are not considering is stamina. It's hard work knocking out that many kids.
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NT!
****
Reged: 02/19/04
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Okay, as a former soccer goalie, I think we all know how I would approach this. It would be like a cavalry charge. If you've ever watched a good goalie take a punt, you know that they do it basically in stride - and land on the opposite foot still going in the same direction. In other words, I run right through 'em, take off a head or two, and circle back.
The number would be higher than 30. It would take an absolutely perfect shot for a 5-year old to do any damage to me if I'm wearing a cup. Hence the only hope is to trip me up, and I have excellent balance.
Basically, the number would have to be small enough that they can't form a wall about four deep and close me in. As long as I could get about 15 feet of running room to make a turn and take another pass, I'd weed them out all day. So, you stack kindergardeners in a line across your average gym, with a little space between, that's what, 20 or 30 kids? I'd take two or three rows of 'em. Especially because there are the most of them when I'm the freshest and I'd pass through without a problem. If they swarm and leave a gap I go around 'em and pick one up as I swing by. Smash his little fuckin skull on the pass and come back for more.
I've spent time working with kids and had three or four ten year olds try to tackle me at once. They didn't have a chance.
NT
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Philuva
veteran
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Quote:
If it's just individual hand to hand combat training, then the number would be relatively large, but if they are taught to attack cohesively as a unit, then I would say no more than 20.
Agreed. I mean if they are just coming at you one at a time, I am thinking it is simply how many kicks to the face you can do before getting too tired.
But if they all come at you, and I mean really come after you, like a swarm of bees, then the number probably is closer to 30, maaaaaybe 40. They will be crowded around you too tight for you to get off any good kicks or punches, then it is just a matter of time before you lose enough blood from them biting you.
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cnfuzzd
expounding
Reged: 03/09/04
Posts: 5014
Loc: I'm going high....
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this is ridiculous. You have to be knocked unconscious. Not going to happen with a bunch o five year olds. Sure, they could probably pin you to the ground, and keep you there at a great expense to their numbers, but they probably still wouldnt knock you out. With that in mind, i say.....
All of them.
peace
john nickle
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wacki
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Damn NT, you are one sick mofo. I like your style. All I have to say is knees and elbos, knees and elbows. I would crack them skulls. Here is a pick of a 5 year old.
Now I ask Evan, do you really think it is in the single digits? That skull wouldn't stand a chance against a knee. They would go down like dominos. Knees and elbows, knees and elbows....
The biggest factor I think would be your stamina.
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cnfuzzd
expounding
Reged: 03/09/04
Posts: 5014
Loc: I'm going high....
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the answer to your question lies in the fact that this is also a picture of evan.....
peace
john nickle
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NT!
****
Reged: 02/19/04
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Loc: i ain't got my taco
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w-
No need to bend down that far to use an elbow. Even a knee is a bit hazardous as you are going to have to slow down or at least take smaller steps in using it. These kids are really the perfect height for a kick to the face, and it's one-and-done if you get anything on it.
I used to have to kick 100 balls full force into the net at the end of every practice after doing some wind sprints. This is basically the same drill.
NT
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mmbt0ne
em em bee
Reged: 08/18/04
Posts: 12169
Loc: Back in ATL
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En réponse à:
After I seeing the stipulation about the cup, I think 30-35 is more reasonable, but if they are acting cohesively, that would still be pretty tough. Probably a couple of them would work their way behind you and get on the ground and like 7 or 8 of them would bull-rush you from the front forcing you to trip. Once you're on the ground, 4 or 5 of them would be responsible for securing each arm and leg, and the remaining ones would just stomp on your head until you are unconscious.
God, the visual of a 5 year old stomping someone's head just made my day.
I don't think enough people are taking into effect the fact that there is almost no way for a 5 year old to rach above the average person's waist. It's not like 5 year olds are the best leapers in the world. So this means that they're always going for the legs. If a bunch of kids are going for my legs, I think I can run through quite a few of them.
My friends and I were discussing something like this last night, and decided that if Barry Sanders was in the apartment and had from the back bedroom to the living room door (about 15 feet) of space to pick up speed, even if he was coming out of a doorway, there was no way the 8 of us there could expect to stop him from reaching the other side of the room even 15% of the time. I think my strength advantage over a 5 year old is huge in relation to Barry Sanders and me. Add this to the fact that I think I can take out 8-10 kids while they are trying to get into groups after being randomly dispersed across the gym, and I think 30 is a reasonable guess.
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Razor
Pooh-Bah
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Posts: 2052
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I don't know what 1 hour of training is going to do for you, if you've had no previous training. You can't learn fancy ass punches and kicks and be able to use them effectively in 1 hour. Most people don't even know how make a proper fist.
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Madtown
Mish-Mash Founder
Reged: 06/27/04
Posts: 8569
Loc: whaaaaaaaaaat?
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Quote:
this is ridiculous. You have to be knocked unconscious. Not going to happen with a bunch o five year olds. Sure, they could probably pin you to the ground, and keep you there at a great expense to their numbers, but they probably still wouldnt knock you out. With that in mind, i say.....
All of them.
peace
john nickle
Exactly. People are seriously overestimating these 5 year olds. Unless they're some sort of ultra-smart 5 year olds that will actually learn from their training -- because most won't pick up much worth mentioning. I think the training actually gives YOU an edge. You'll learn more from it than the five year olds will.
Plus you'll have a strategic edge. They won't be able to think of strong group strategy, it'll just be chaotic pile-on. If you can plan an effective counter-strategy, you should have another solid edge.
Add in that I seriously wonder if five year olds could knock me unconscious without a foreign object? I say any 20-something guy in decent shape should be able to take at least 20. I think 30 is realistic based on the one time I met Gonores (speaking of, are those UW poker lunches still going on?). I think even 35 would be within reach. I think I could take 35.
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
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Yes, but you would learn how to defend yourself against a semi-disciplined swarm (don't kick, don't walk backwards, etc.). I'd imagine such info would be critical.
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Hoya
Pooh-Bah
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Remember, these kids are slow, have bad stamina, and shitty grips. I'd run around for a while kicking the little bastards that got too close and making sure not to get swarmed. Then after they got wore out from chasing me I'd go in and kill them all, screw knocking them out. They'd be too tired to grab me and try to bring me down by that point.
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hawkeye
stranger
Reged: 05/20/04
Posts: 23
Loc: Chicago, IL
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The problem I see with running around or kicking / flailing your legs is the potential for one of the little carcasses strewn about the room to get caught up in your legs. Inevitably, when this happens, the likelihood of a serious ACL or MCL injury is increased.
To avoid this undesirable situation I would most likely fight my way to an edge of the room, and essentially back up near a wall. By doing this I could guarantee that none of the buggers could get behind me and cause damage to my knees. Also, the proximity to the wall would afford you the opportunity to bash the anklebiters' heads against the wall one at a time until they are neutralized.
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gonores
2005 OOT POTY Winner
Reged: 01/20/03
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Loc: Same Bat Channel
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Quote:
are those UW poker lunches still going on?
I could be down with that, although they have not been going on for a while.
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Justin A
Stranger
Reged: 05/10/04
Posts: 6340
Loc: Clark County
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you people are waaay over estimating your strength.
You're underestimating our speed. There is no way 30 kids could corner me to the point where I wouldn't be able to run around them. If this was eight year olds, you'd have a point, but five year olds are very slow, uncoordinated, and weak.
What makes you think any of them would be able to bite you anyway? Are you really going to be moving so slowly that they can get their mouth within biting range? I think the only limiting factor here is the size of the enclosed area. As long as you have room to move around and keep from getting swarmed, the amount of kids should be limitless.
Justin A
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Justin A
Stranger
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I think another good question would be how many ten year olds you could take on. Ten year olds at least have some strength and speed. I'm thinking the number would be close to ten. Five year olds are too easy.
Justin A
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Justin A
Stranger
Reged: 05/10/04
Posts: 6340
Loc: Clark County
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Another question, are we assuming all these five year olds are boys? Or are they mixed?
Justin A
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wacki
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Quote:
What makes you think any of them would be able to bite you anyway?
When I was an undergrad there was this 100 pound sophmore freak that would get shitfaced off of vodka and start biting me. I would pick her up and throw her onto a couch/bed. She would bounce up like in about 2 seconds and then attack me again. The cycle went on and on. It happened every time she got shitfaced off of vodka. Not once did any of her bites phase me. If her bites couldn't phase me then there is no way a 5 year old's bite would. Well, the ear might be vulnerable. But if you are wearing a cup you will be ok.
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wacki
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Quote:
Another question, are we assuming all these five year olds are boys? Or are they mixed?
Justin A
They are prepubescent, does it matter?
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Clayton
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I don't know about you guys, but this is the funniest thing I've read in months. One of the rare occasions where I can't control laughing out loud. 
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Sephus
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Quote:
Quote:
you people are waaay over estimating your strength.
You're underestimating our speed.
i think this is absolutely key. this is the size of a basketball court, i just run around plowing them over a few at a time. i bet i could take 50. the limitations would be how long i could fight before getting really tired and just how densely packed they became. i think i could incapacitate 50 5 year olds in 10 minutes. once you start going past 50 though, running around without messing up a knee or ankle by tripping over their little broken bodies would be the biggest issue.
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Evan
Defeated Soldier
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 14351
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That's low dude. How did I get to the point where people I've never even met are making fun of my size?
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Madtown
Mish-Mash Founder
Reged: 06/27/04
Posts: 8569
Loc: whaaaaaaaaaat?
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Quote:
Quote:
are those UW poker lunches still going on?
I could be down with that, although they have not been going on for a while.
The other really interesting option would be a drunken UW 2+2 NL tourney once a month or something like that. I definitely plan on playing more low stakes drunken poker around campus this semester. My friends can't believe I make money online because I play like a maniac in $5 buy-in NL tourneys.
But yeah, I'd be up for trying to do that this semester if there were people interested. Although my class schedule is pretty tight around lunch. 
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IronDragon1
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The cup certainly helps-but my knees/shins remain vulnerable so I'd say.....
8
I have to think I could knock out that many with just my fists/short kicks before they break my shins
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Madtown
Mish-Mash Founder
Reged: 06/27/04
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Quote:
That's low dude. How did I get to the point where people I've never even met are making fun of my size?
Well, Evan, midgets are always funny, whether you've met them or not.
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El Diablo
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Hmmmm, after reading nothumb's post, I think I may have been mistaken in my original assessment.
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ThaSaltCracka
Brotha TSC
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great post NT.
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cnfuzzd
expounding
Reged: 03/09/04
Posts: 5014
Loc: I'm going high....
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im sorry evan.
climb on up here and i will give you a hug....
peace
john nickle
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wacki
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Loc: reading 1K climate journals
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Quote:
Hmmmm, after reading nothumb's post, I think I may have been mistaken in my original assessment.
Ya, when Nothumb said:
Quote:
I used to have to kick 100 balls full force into the net at the end of every practice after doing some wind sprints. This is basically the same drill.
I started to think as long as you are in shape the number could be really really high.
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NT!
****
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I do what I can.
Look, most of you guys haven't worked with kids, or really been around a five year old in a while, I bet. They are really completely helpless. There's a reason we have to wipe their asses for them. Not only that, they are short enough that an athletic guy could jump over 2 or 3 of them easily if they were close together.
So, it's not your fault. Take it from a child care worker. A killer child care worker.
NT
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ThaSaltCracka
Brotha TSC
Reged: 09/10/03
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LMAO, dude this is great stuff. Honestly, beating up 5 year olds would be like beating up noobs on Halo 2.
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mmbt0ne
em em bee
Reged: 08/18/04
Posts: 12169
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You're going to work tomorrow with an imaginary bullseye on every kid now aren't you? I can see you just slowly racking up a total kill count as the day wears on.
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ThaSaltCracka
Brotha TSC
Reged: 09/10/03
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dude, I have only read 5 or 6 replies in this thread but damn, this is funny stuff.
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DMBFan23
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this thread kicks so much ass it's not even funny
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NT!
****
Reged: 02/19/04
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Loc: i ain't got my taco
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Eh, I work with teenagers now, most of 'em can bang too. City kids. I sometimes feel like it's me wearing the target.
NT
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Benholio
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/30/04
Posts: 2411
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Quote:
LMAO, dude this is great stuff. Honestly, beating up 5 year olds would be like beating up noobs on Halo 2.
Quick, someone crosspost this to every first person shooter forum you can find. I'm sure someone can whip up a mod to simulate this, lol. Who here wouldn't download THAT mod??
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wacki
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Quote:
I work with teenagers now, most of 'em can bang too.
In english please.
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ThaSaltCracka
Brotha TSC
Reged: 09/10/03
Posts: 24282
Loc: Team Slayer!
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Quote:
Quote:
I work with teenagers now, most of 'em can bang too.
In english please.
gang members, thugs, street kids.
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NT!
****
Reged: 02/19/04
Posts: 17165
Loc: i ain't got my taco
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I mean they can fight. This is their terminology, i.e., "You think that staff can bang?" "Naw, he's sweet. I'll tear his white ass up."
NT
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ThaSaltCracka
Brotha TSC
Reged: 09/10/03
Posts: 24282
Loc: Team Slayer!
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Wacki is so white.
Listen to more rap music Wacki, then you'll know how to be "street".
holla atcha boy.
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Alobar
Carpal \'T-shirt
Reged: 11/05/03
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Quote:
Quote:
What makes you think any of them would be able to bite you anyway?
When I was an undergrad there was this 100 pound sophmore freak that would get shitfaced off of vodka and start biting me. I would pick her up and throw her onto a couch/bed. She would bounce up like in about 2 seconds and then attack me again. The cycle went on and on. It happened every time she got shitfaced off of vodka. Not once did any of her bites phase me. If her bites couldn't phase me then there is no way a 5 year old's bite would. Well, the ear might be vulnerable. But if you are wearing a cup you will be ok.
her bites didnt phase you cuz she was a drunk bitch who wasnt biting you hard. A 5 year old could rip a chunk from your skin if he really wanted too
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Reef
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most posters failed to notice that you get a cup. This makes you practically invincible to them. The only thing I can see them doing is having 10 or so go for your legs and then a 2nd wave crawls on over them to get at your torso, etc. Once they have your whole body pinned (which would require at least 30 dogpiled on ya), the only way to get you unconscious would be if the fattest one got a clear jump on your face/throat from the height of another little kid pyramid.
I'm going with 100+
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DMBFan23
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just to go in a bit of a different direction...I want my magic number to be 1, so I can just plain [censored] his [censored] up. man would he get owned.
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Sephus
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i think 100 is way too high. what happens when you have 40 to go and there are 60 of them sprawled on the floor? it's a basketball court, not a football field, you're gonna sprain an ankle stepping on a torso or crack your head after slipping on a huge pool of blood. then you have 1500 pounds of little kid smothering you.
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daveymck
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The answer is 1, my daughter is that age and has been trained by hours of watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers combined with WWE wrestling.
A hit in the balls followed by a leap from the arm of the settee is generally enough.
The answer is also 1 cos the first five year old you hit will go running to their mam/dad and tell, either will come out and give you a good pasting.
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invast
member
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Posts: 125
Loc: Oregon
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I am 99% sure I could take on atleast 30.
This accounts for getting tired.
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daveymck
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I think 100 is underestimating even after a day of training, they have weight of numbers but no skill and no real power in punches, biting is the only real weopon they have and as long as you stay mobile you would be fine, only so many can get at you at once.
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invast
member
Reged: 09/01/04
Posts: 125
Loc: Oregon
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Quote:
I think 100 is underestimating even after a day of training, they have weight of numbers but no skill and no real power in punches, biting is the only real weopon they have and as long as you stay mobile you would be fine, only so many can get at you at once.
But you also have to understand that doing this would get very tiring very fast. And if they get you on the ground somehow and start jumping on your head and neck.. you're done.
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daveymck
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I dont see how they would get you on the ground unless you tripped. At 5 you can pick one up and throw them into the group push them over easy I see it taking more than a 100 to get you unconcious, even if they got you down getting up would be easier than given credit for.
If you said 7-8 year olds I would revise it down a lot but at five I think its lots.
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invast
member
Reged: 09/01/04
Posts: 125
Loc: Oregon
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Hmm, that's true... the only way I could see them getting you on the ground is if you got very tired and they all started jumping on you, running at you, and pulling you down. The thing is I don't know how long it would take me to get that tired, since I have never tried killing a swarming pack of 5 y/o. So I conclude that the real answer is no one knows.
Although I'm guessing I could estimate between 30 - 200
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TylerD
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They have to short enough to kick them in the head as they approach you.
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Sephus
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dude, if there are 60 little broken bodies littered around a basketball court and you are also having to trample kids as you move around, you WILL trip. what's so hard about this?
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daveymck
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If you trip though and there are 60 bodies around the 40+ are going to be tripping as well allowing you to get up easy.
Its still a lot more than 100 in my opinion.
Thinking about my daughters school they all line up ready to go in 180 kids aged 5-8 they dont take up as much room as you might think, and I reckon I could take all of them.
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Manimal
member
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 134
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Is there some type of custodian to clear the kids as they get knocked out or do they just lie there, unconcious?
If it's A, my answer's all of them.
If it's B, I think I can take ~70, maybe more. I'll have a definitive answer after I pick a fight at the local preschool this morning.
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DukeSucks
maverick avatar mechanic
Reged: 05/29/04
Posts: 1228
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Quote:
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
Are they allowed to touch the wall? If not, you could just bounce them off the wall and keep going. Plus, they would be relatively stacked up around the edges of the room, helping with the trip hazard.
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elwoodblues
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A couple of things to consider:
* 5 year olds are going to be afraid of you...regardless of how many of them there are. Once you hurt one or two of them pretty badly, then they are terrified of you. It would be them running from you, not the other way around. (EDIT --- Okay, I just read the rules again, but still...)
* For 99+% of the population it would be EXTREMELY difficult (psychologically) to hurt a five year old that bad. The first one would be horrible, the second would be worse. By ten, you'd probably be okay with it
* Why are people wanting to avoid the herd of kids that will inevitably form (think of a 5 year old soccer game, just one clump of kids regardless of how much training they have)? Run into it knocking many over and knocking their heads together.
* Remember that their number is always diminishing. So, for example, for those saying 100 --- the question isn't whether 100 kids could take you when you get tired. The question is whether (maybe) 50 could. You drop them at a faster rate than you tire. It would take SO little effort to incapacitate them.
Edited by elwoodblues (01/18/05 09:07 AM)
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barongreenback
addict
Reged: 11/23/04
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I've had a long think about this. It's a difficult question but I think ,yes ,I could take a 5yr old.
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Bluffoon
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n/m
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Patrick del Poker Grande
Rocket Scientist
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I think the answer here is as many as you could fit in the gym. The limiting factor is stamina. There's only so long you can go around punching little kids before you're gonna get tired and I think that's what's going to set your number.
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MattSuspect
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I'd say 20ish. My method would be running up to the scrawniest one; snapping their neck and killing them. It would give the others something to think about.
Good thread.
EDIT: Oops missed this.
Quote:
The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.
I'm still snapping necks though, not gonna waste my time with punching, they are low to the ground, I'll just run up, grab the top of their heads and twist, which would be easier then throwing them around,--a best defense is a good offense.
Kill the 5 yr olds, they can't come back and attack.
Edited by IndieMatty (01/18/05 09:57 AM)
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DMBFan23
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dude, once they go unconscious, they're "out" so it's not like they wake up and start rushing you again. so there's no need to snap necks to take em out.
now, if a man just wants to snap necks, then who am I to criticize?
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MattSuspect
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I'm snapping necks. Let word get out to the other 5 yr olds. Also I seriously think snapping necks is less abuse to yourself then hitting the kids. Which will help you hurt more kids in the long run. Grab and twist man, grab and twist.
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lucas9000
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Quote:
Probably a couple of them would work their way behind you and get on the ground and like 7 or 8 of them would bull-rush you from the front forcing you to trip. Once you're on the ground, 4 or 5 of them would be responsible for securing each arm and leg, and the remaining ones would just stomp on your head until you are unconscious.
you couldn't get a group of 5 year-olds to work together that cohesively with a month of training, much less a single day. and i highly doubt they would come up with such tactics on their own, in the heat of battle, and be able to get themselves organized to pull it off.
i honestly think the main limiting fatcor is the adult's stamina. it takes energy to punch, kick, throw, and run. how many 5 year-olds you can take out is directly related to what kind of shape you're in. as for myself, i'll say 50. and i think that would be a bit of a challenge.
wait, can we bash them against the walls? if so i'll bring my number up to at least 60, and maybe even 75.
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LALDAAS
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Posts: 1541
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This is a tough one. Have you ever seen the energy of a 5 year old. I think one would tire by the 2nd or 3rd wave.
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lucas9000
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Quote:
The cup certainly helps-but my knees/shins remain vulnerable so I'd say.....
8
I have to think I could knock out that many with just my fists/short kicks before they break my shins
are you made of glass? how hard do you think a 5 year-old could hit you? they'd be lucky to make bruises.
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LALDAAS
veteran
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 1541
Loc: Confuzlleds
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Quote:
Quote:
The cup certainly helps-but my knees/shins remain vulnerable so I'd say.....
8
I have to think I could knock out that many with just my fists/short kicks before they break my shins
are you made of glass? how hard do you think a 5 year-old could hit you? they'd be lucky to make bruises.
Yo my ex-girls son was 2 1/2 He poped my in the mouth busting my lip open.(we were playing of course) Dont entirely under estamate these little bastards.
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tyfromm
addict
Reged: 05/19/04
Posts: 673
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How many of these 5 year olds are Hot Chicks? Just a joke fellas:/
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Stork
veteran
Reged: 07/03/03
Posts: 1474
Loc: deterraforming your FACE
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Arite so I just thought up a strategy for it. Just keep running. Barrel through them like a they're pins in a bowling ally. They won't stand a chance, and they won't have a chance to trip you. They won't be able to lay a finger on you, as soon as your knee collides with their jaw it's lights out, and you'll have so much momentum going that it'd be like stopping a locamotive for them. I'm going with at least 40.
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Stork
veteran
Reged: 07/03/03
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Loc: deterraforming your FACE
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Also, I second that this is the best post I've seen on the forums in a long time.
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Shajen
OOT Pro
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We have to make a couple of assumptions for the answer to be more than 30.
First assumption: The 5 year olds will not attack en masse. Even if you get the first wave down, I don't care how badassed you are, you will tire very quickly and several will get in and latch onto your legs.
Second Assumption: picking up one kid and using them as a weapon is allowed. If this is the case, I can see you using this kid to knock out quite a few of them.
third assumption: the kids are removed from the arena after being knocked out. If this is not true, then I say maybe 25, but definitely no more than 30.
My reasoning is that you will simply tire out way too quickly to put up much of a fight for more than 10 minutes. Also, assuming a couple of the kids latch onto your legs making it harder for you to move, the rest could swarm you easily. I say the majority of you are highly over-estimating how good you are at fighting.
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nicky g
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"I say the majority of you are highly over-estimating how good you are at fighting. "
Fighting is like poker and sex. It's one of those things people always think they are great at. Also like poker, they like to worship high profile players/fighters as if they were gods (Doyle's diseas/Bruce Lee nutriding). (I'm not sure if that' relevant to sex. Except sex with Bruce Lee).
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Patrick del Poker Grande
Rocket Scientist
Reged: 04/27/04
Posts: 9999
Loc: Sciencing Rockets
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I think you underestimate the ease at which I can remove a child from my leg when I don't feel a need to not hurt them.
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Shajen
OOT Pro
Reged: 11/02/04
Posts: 7482
Loc: 2,no 6, no 12, bakers dozen!!!
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Quote:
I think you underestimate the ease at which I can remove a child from my leg when I don't feel a need to not hurt them.
Sure, one kid is no problem. How about 5? 10? 15?
See what I mean?
I mean, come on Patrick, this isn't rocket science.
(I had to, sorry)
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Patrick del Poker Grande
Rocket Scientist
Reged: 04/27/04
Posts: 9999
Loc: Sciencing Rockets
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I stand by my original estimate that I could take out an amount limited only by my own stamina and enough room to move around. Given the need, I can outrun a pack of 5-year-olds for quite a long time. I envision a strategy of keeping out of the pack and picking off the stragglers around the outside much like a group of lions or wolves working over a herd of prey. Do you know how easy it is to throw a kid to the ground just by grabbing his head and giving it the proper shove? It's even easier at speed. It wouldn't even slow me down. Another tactic would be to just bullrush the pack and just plow through the whole lot of them. If they're tall enough, my arms will be out clothesline style for maximum effectiveness. If not, my knees and overall mass will take out plenty. There is a peril with this strategy, though, and that is if you trip - you better get up quick.
It's not rocket science.
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Shajen
OOT Pro
Reged: 11/02/04
Posts: 7482
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Quote:
I stand by my original estimate that I could take out an amount limited only by my own stamina and enough room to move around. Given the need, I can outrun a pack of 5-year-olds for quite a long time. I envision a strategy of keeping out of the pack and picking off the stragglers around the outside much like a group of lions or wolves working over a herd of prey. Do you know how easy it is to throw a kid to the ground just by grabbing his head and giving it the proper shove? It's even easier at speed. It wouldn't even slow me down. Another tactic would be to just bullrush the pack and just plow through the whole lot of them. If they're tall enough, my arms will be out clothesline style for maximum effectiveness. If not, my knees and overall mass will take out plenty. There is a peril with this strategy, though, and that is if you trip - you better get up quick.
It's not rocket science.
It would be an interesting world if this were rocket science.
That said, is it too early to nominate this for TOTY?
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Stork
veteran
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Loc: deterraforming your FACE
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Only your 2nd assumption is true in this scenario.
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Keats13
enthusiast
Reged: 03/01/04
Posts: 249
Loc: 4th and 26
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Quote:
Fighting is like poker
So are you saying that once these 5yo battle royales start, we'd have posts like this?
"Man, WTF? I can't beat these 5-year olds! It's not possible. I punch and kick, but they just don't respect my strength! They have no muscles, but they won't go away! How are you supposed to beat up opponents like this? I need to start fighting older, stronger opponents who respect my strength and will back down once I start fighting."
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Patrick del Poker Grande
Rocket Scientist
Reged: 04/27/04
Posts: 9999
Loc: Sciencing Rockets
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I vote for the "out" kids to disappear as if it were a video game.
More to this, let's change the game a little bit. Let's say you can either play "Arcade" mode, "Sequential" mode or "Quick Game" mode.
Arcade Mode: You start with a set number of kids in the room, which is set by the difficulty rating. As each kid is immobilized, he disappears and a new one is generated and runs out on the field. You essentially are playing an endless game and are trying for a high score. Parameters can be changed so that, for instance, as you progress, maybe 2 kids come out for each one you knock out or maybe instead of kids coming in only when others are knocked out, maybe they come in at a certain time interval, which can speed up as time goes along. Maybe you get special bonuses for killer moves or taking out several kids at once. If you picked the easy mode, this could potentially go on seemingly forever, especially if you knew where the kids generated from and could just camp out right there and pop 'em in the face right as they run onto the field like we used to do playing multiplayer FPS games.
Sequential Mode: You start with one kid, knock him out, then two come out in the next round, then three, etc. Again, it's an endless game and you're playing for high score. Things like break time or health rejuvination between rounds can be discussed, as well as parameter changes discussed in Arcade Mode above.
Quick Game: You set the number of kids you want to begin with and once you're done with them, the game's over. This is pretty much what we've been talking about so far, I assume, and I think would be the toughest to get the high score in, depending on the exact parameters.
Clearly the possibilities are endless.
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Madtown
Mish-Mash Founder
Reged: 06/27/04
Posts: 8569
Loc: whaaaaaaaaaat?
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Awesome. I was thinking about this last night, but your Arcade / Simulation / Quick Game modes did a much better job laying out the possibilties than my thoughts could have.
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Shajen
OOT Pro
Reged: 11/02/04
Posts: 7482
Loc: 2,no 6, no 12, bakers dozen!!!
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Quote:
I vote for the "out" kids to disappear as if it were a video game.
More to this, let's change the game a little bit. Let's say you can either play "Arcade" mode, "Sequential" mode or "Quick Game" mode.
Arcade Mode: You start with a set number of kids in the room, which is set by the difficulty rating. As each kid is immobilized, he disappears and a new one is generated and runs out on the field. You essentially are playing an endless game and are trying for a high score. Parameters can be changed so that, for instance, as you progress, maybe 2 kids come out for each one you knock out or maybe instead of kids coming in only when others are knocked out, maybe they come in at a certain time interval, which can speed up as time goes along. Maybe you get special bonuses for killer moves or taking out several kids at once. If you picked the easy mode, this could potentially go on seemingly forever, especially if you knew where the kids generated from and could just camp out right there and pop 'em in the face right as they run onto the field like we used to do playing multiplayer FPS games.
Sequential Mode: You start with one kid, knock him out, then two come out in the next round, then three, etc. Again, it's an endless game and you're playing for high score. Things like break time or health rejuvination between rounds can be discussed, as well as parameter changes discussed in Arcade Mode above.
Quick Game: You set the number of kids you want to begin with and once you're done with them, the game's over. This is pretty much what we've been talking about so far, I assume, and I think would be the toughest to get the high score in, depending on the exact parameters.
Clearly the possibilities are endless.
Dude, once VR tech catches up, I see this as being a cult classic amongst the hardore gamers. If I were you, I'd add this post to my favorites so when the game invariably gets created, you can show prior art and make some serious cashesh.
This thread is golden, and this post is by far the best post in it.
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jakethebake
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It would be a lot. Way beyond single digits. If I hit a 5 year old once he ain't getting up. I can also take a 5 year-olds kick or punch pretty much anywhere, including the groin. So I'm just hitting them each once. That's it.
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MattSuspect
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I still can't believe people are discussing "hitting". It is very much more efficient to snap the little bastards necks.
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beckham9
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I think everyone needs to think about how tired they would get in this fight. Having 10 or 15 little guys jumping and crawling over you would tire you out in 2 minutes tops. Once you go down you are finished.
i say an average 22 year old could take on 12-13 kids, with any more taking you down.
B9
PS i love this type of [censored]
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Patrick del Poker Grande
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Quote:
I still can't believe people are discussing "hitting". It is very much more efficient to snap the little bastards necks.
It's too time consuming to try to get a grip on a kid and then twist his neck. If you give these kids the second or two that it'd take to accomplish this, you're finished. Plowing or even flailing wildly would be much more effective. Speed and keeping out of their grasp is of the essence here. Plus, a breakneck strategy would require you to bee too close. Hitting gives you much more range and potentially lets you keep them somewhat at bay.
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beckham9
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the jaw is not the strongest muscle in body
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Madtown
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Quote:
I still can't believe people are discussing "hitting". It is very much more efficient to snap the little bastards necks.
Well, I think a good solid knee / fist to the face WOULD snap their necks. Snapping necks sounds very inefficient, especially considering that they're going to be at knee-height for everyone except Evan.
I think Patrick's strategy is best so far -- keeping up to speed on the perimeter picking off stragglers, mixed with sprints through the pack to break them up and delivering knees to faces. Eventually I think you start resorting to using kids as weapons though. In fact, I think this might be a good idea right of the bat.
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Shajen
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Quote:
It would be a lot. Way beyond single digits. If I hit a 5 year old once he ain't getting up. I can also take a 5 year-olds kick or punch pretty much anywhere, including the groin. So I'm just hitting them each once. That's it.
"Are they ill-tempered?"
Seriously though, I guess I'm giving these kids too much credit. I say a bum rush by 30 kids at once and you are toast. And remember Jake, line training takes too long.
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Bluffoon
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I don't know man.
My son is a bruiser but when he was three he did a WWF body slam knee into my balls and I he gave me a hernia and I needed surgery. Even as an infant when he got mad he could deliver a hell of a headbutt. I can still remember the headaches.....
Never underestimate a kid's ability to do damage.
I say anything more than twenty kids and you are toast. And I still think this is sick. But I like it.
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gonores
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Quote:
I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
There is a HUGE gap between an 80th percentile 5yo and a 20th percentile 5yo. And I'm not talking about physical ability. If I get to choose the best and the brightest (emphasis on the brightest) the pack of kids is going to be more organized than you think.
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Patrick del Poker Grande
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Quote:
"Are they ill-tempered?"
Brilliant.
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HesseJam
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15 5 y olds like my son with proper one day mental programming and combat training would take out almost anybody. If 5 like my son attack you in full speed mode from behind so that you cant dodge them you are not going to stay on your feet.
Then, I would suggest some eyeball popping and the rest is just a matter of time.
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Madtown
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Quote:
Quote:
I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
There is a HUGE gap between an 80th percentile 5yo and a 20th percentile 5yo. And I'm not talking about physical ability. If I get to choose the best and the brightest (emphasis on the brightest) the pack of kids is going to be more organized than you think.
This may be true, but even smart 5 year olds are pretty dumb. If you were talking even a couple years older, I think it'd be a huge difference, but you're talking about kindergarteners. Even the smart ones have trouble learning to tie their shoes.
Hell, I was a smart kid and I still have trouble tying my shoes. I'm lazy though.
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DMBFan23
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Quote:
I don't know man.
My son is a bruiser but when he was three he did a WWF body slam knee into my balls and I he gave me a hernia and I needed surgery. Even as an infant when he got mad he could deliver a hell of a headbutt. I can still remember the headaches.....
Never underestimate a kid's ability to do damage.
I say anything more than twenty kids and you are toast. And I still think this is sick. But I like it.
I respectfully submit that you were not elbowing your son in the face as he was moving in for that headbutt. or snapping his neck.
point taken, though.
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MattSuspect
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Interesting. I see it as easy and efficient with no issues of tiring yourself out. It's pretty sick that I want to see how easy it is to grab a kids head right now.
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bisonbison
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I killed eight 6-year-olds in a room no larger than a Burger King bathroom, so I'm guessing I could take 3 score 5-year-olds.
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Michael Davis
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If you could take the most intelligent 2+2ers at age five, ten of them could rock an adult.
-Michael
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Madtown
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Quote:
Interesting. I see it as easy and efficient with no issues of tiring yourself out. It's pretty sick that I want to see how easy it is to grab a kids head right now.
If by "sick" you mean "really awesome," then I agree.
This is similar to the feelings you get after a three or four hour GTA playing session followed by a drive. You just really really want to ram some cars off the road...
Back on topic, I just think snapping necks is going to take too much time, especially at the beginning. It won't tire you out, but I don't think you can afford to remain stationary long enough to bend down, get a grip on a flailing 5 year old, twist, and then back up again.
I think it might be a good tactic to utilize when you DO get tired out and the numbers are dwindling.
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MattSuspect
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Ok ok. I just think people don't realize how hard it is to "knock someone out" especially a little 5 yr old. There like made of rubber.
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bisonbison
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Ok ok. I just think people don't realize how hard it is to "knock someone out" especially a little 5 yr old. There like made of rubber.
If you can kick 'em in the abdomen they'll be sucking wind long enough for you to come along in a minute and step on their necks.
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Patrick del Poker Grande
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Quote:
Ok ok. I just think people don't realize how hard it is to "knock someone out" especially a little 5 yr old. There like made of rubber.
This may be true, but it's also not hard to immobilize them. If I were to hit a 5-year-old in the face like I meant it, he's not going to be getting up and if he does, he's certainly not going to be doing anything useful. You could immobilize all of them and then come back for the finishing move at your convenience.
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MattSuspect
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I'd just like to add, kicking/kneeing and punting are big no-nos, if you trip at any time, you're done for.
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Madtown
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Quote:
Ok ok. I just think people don't realize how hard it is to "knock someone out" especially a little 5 yr old. There like made of rubber.
If you can kick 'em in the abdomen they'll be sucking wind long enough for you to come along in a minute and step on their necks.
Exactly. As long as you take a bunch of them out of the game early, you can go along on neck-snapping clean-up duty later on.
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Michael Davis
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No way. 5-year-olds don't often get hit by someone whose life (or simulated life) depends on the little kids getting seriously hurt. One shot to most of these kids will put them on the ground, and even if they get up they'll be crying and incapacitated.
-Michael
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MattSuspect
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