The worst bad beat: my life

[Viking1000]

I have been interested of gambling and making easy living from my early teenage years. Lottery, sports betting, horse betting, slot machines everything that I could bet on I did bet on and lost. I didn't lose only all my own savings, but as well money I stole from my parents wallets. I would creep to their wallet in the darkness of night and take 20 bucks - just to lose it after school playing slot machine.
Sometimes I would skip I would skip school days to plan my bets. I had few decent wins, but when you bet -ev you go busto sooner or later. My parents knew my gambling habit, but likely not how serious it was, because I never told the truth.
Then at age of 17 I found online poker and made a small deposit to party poker, naturally losing it in an hour.
I ordered books and watched the big online games, after a while it became obvious(in my mind!) that this could be my game that would make me rich superhuman.
I started skipping more lessons of schools and didn't bother going out with friends. After about a year on and off high-school they kicked me out there, first they kept giving me many chances to get my act together and I kept making empty promises. So finally they had no option. My parents got very angry, but still tried to understand me and support me.
Back to poker, after I understood that in poker good players win I managed to quit other gambling games(not sure if it was a blessing or curse)
Still without proper bankroll management I won a little from poker, then little more, about year and half ago I had ran a small deposit up to $20000 and was making big plans how I would beat the highest online games within very short period of time. You may guess what happened, busto happened.
I was down. Very down.
I studied more, this site, books(at the moment I have 30+ poker books) and decided to give poker one last serious try in the beginning of 2005(Like I could quit..). Between the going bust and beginning of 2005 I kept trying to gamble my roll up every time failing.
Now about a year later I have finally got to high stakes online games and been a proven winner for a large sample size, making the kind of money I dreamed about.

So whats wrong, why I don't feel like a superman, why I don't have tons of good friends, why all the hot girls wont open their legs for me. And it's not even close to any of these.
I have absolute 0 friends, I don't have even good-day-friends. I have extremely low-self esteem, in example if some wont sit in front of me in a bus I will feel like it's because I'm so ugly and disgusting.
Almost all my days go with same schedule, wake up at around 10am feel like [censored], play little poker, think how much my life sucks. Then between 12am and 2pm and I will either order pizza or go fast to McDonald's - everything tastes horrible. I might buy a few DVD movies while out, just so I have something to do between making [censored] loads of money and watching movies helps me forget my [censored] life for a while. Then I will just play poker for rest of the day/surf around the net, and maybe at night watch TV for an hour or two, then go sleep. Rise and repeat.
All the bad things going on lately have made me realize that I don't wanna live this kind of life, but instead of a live which I actually enjoy. By the way ask yourself when you have smiled the last time? I don't remember.
I wanna change my life, the only problem is I feel to weak to do anything. One thing is for me it's right now very hard to trust people, it feels like everyone laughs to pathetic me or if they are friendly it's only because they want to take advantage of me.
I have made a few contacts via poker - some of them I have met and had fun, but when they say lets go to pub I will make some excuse and turn it down because it feels like everyone will laugh at me and I don't fit there.
Being confident would be great. I haven't been like this always, up to something like 15 years old I had a lot friends, hobbies, acting in school, sports etc. Then something happened. Gambling happened.

There is two reasons why I wrote this. First off to tell young people that the life might not be all roses and butterflies even when you make the big money. Second of I need some advice how to get my life back, maybe some practical advices. I dont think quitting gambling will do any good, but instead I will have to add more funny and intresting things to my life.

[Damontis]

Turn off your computer and go get a life. Not all that hard to do.

[trapsetter]

I have a piece of advice that I really think you'll benefit from. Here it is:

Begin a regular, daily exercise regimen, and replace the fast food with healthy, nutritious food.

You'll be very surprised how the depression and poor self esteem turns to positive and energy, pride, and high self esteem as a result of the exercise. Don't take my word for it- the Harvard Medical Journal recently published a long study on the mental and physical benefits of exercise.

Don't listen to the jerks on this site that smugly tell you to get a life. They're just firing shots at you to feel better about themselves.

You asked for advice- my advice is work about an hour's worth of vigorous exercise into that daily routine. Your problems will wash away and you'll be a changed person, and this metamorphosis will happen faster than you think.

Sloth and inactivity lead to depression and mental weakness and lethargy. Exercise destroys this cycle and drastically increases your mood (not to mention benefits you physically in countless ways).

[popniklas]

1. Go see a doctor (it's likely that you suffer from clinical depression and that medication would help to some extent)
2. Go see a therapist
3. Start exercising regularly

I believe that would be a good start for you.

[PLOlover]

Get a dog.

P.S. feed him the good stuff, you can afford it.

[kabell]

I recognize a lot of the emotions you have. Been there myself.

I don't know how much shitloads of money is in your world, but it sounds as much. If I was you I would take a month of vacation on a very sunny and bright place. I would not bring any computer, but instead I would bring:

- Loving What Is by Byron Katie
- The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Read them in that order.

Also, check out http://www.socialphobia.org/.

I also recommend trying meditation, yoga, self-hypnosis etc. Everything that can calm your mind.

But buy and read the two books I stated first. They will probably open your eyes for a whole new perspective on life, and from then on you will be able to find the solutions by yourself.

- Kabell

[kabell]

What's your age btw?

[Myst]

[ QUOTE ]
I have been interested of gambling and making easy living from my early teenage years. Lottery, sports betting, horse betting, slot machines everything that I could bet on I did bet on and lost. I didn't lose only all my own savings, but as well money I stole from my parents wallets. I would creep to their wallet in the darkness of night and take 20 bucks - just to lose it after school playing slot machine.
Sometimes I would skip I would skip school days to plan my bets. I had few decent wins, but when you bet -ev you go busto sooner or later. My parents knew my gambling habit, but likely not how serious it was, because I never told the truth.
Then at age of 17 I found online poker and made a small deposit to party poker, naturally losing it in an hour.
I ordered books and watched the big online games, after a while it became obvious(in my mind!) that this could be my game that would make me rich superhuman.
I started skipping more lessons of schools and didn't bother going out with friends. After about a year on and off high-school they kicked me out there, first they kept giving me many chances to get my act together and I kept making empty promises. So finally they had no option. My parents got very angry, but still tried to understand me and support me.
Back to poker, after I understood that in poker good players win I managed to quit other gambling games(not sure if it was a blessing or curse)
Still without proper bankroll management I won a little from poker, then little more, about year and half ago I had ran a small deposit up to $20000 and was making big plans how I would beat the highest online games within very short period of time. You may guess what happened, busto happened.
I was down. Very down.
I studied more, this site, books(at the moment I have 30+ poker books) and decided to give poker one last serious try in the beginning of 2005(Like I could quit..). Between the going bust and beginning of 2005 I kept trying to gamble my roll up every time failing.
Now about a year later I have finally got to high stakes online games and been a proven winner for a large sample size, making the kind of money I dreamed about.

So whats wrong, why I don't feel like a superman, why I don't have tons of good friends, why all the hot girls wont open their legs for me. And it's not even close to any of these.
I have absolute 0 friends, I don't have even good-day-friends. I have extremely low-self esteem, in example if some wont sit in front of me in a bus I will feel like it's because I'm so ugly and disgusting.
Almost all my days go with same schedule, wake up at around 10am feel like [censored], play little poker, think how much my life sucks. Then between 12am and 2pm and I will either order pizza or go fast to McDonald's - everything tastes horrible. I might buy a few DVD movies while out, just so I have something to do between making [censored] loads of money and watching movies helps me forget my [censored] life for a while. Then I will just play poker for rest of the day/surf around the net, and maybe at night watch TV for an hour or two, then go sleep. Rise and repeat.
All the bad things going on lately have made me realize that I don't wanna live this kind of life, but instead of a live which I actually enjoy. By the way ask yourself when you have smiled the last time? I don't remember.
I wanna change my life, the only problem is I feel to weak to do anything. One thing is for me it's right now very hard to trust people, it feels like everyone laughs to pathetic me or if they are friendly it's only because they want to take advantage of me.
I have made a few contacts via poker - some of them I have met and had fun, but when they say lets go to pub I will make some excuse and turn it down because it feels like everyone will laugh at me and I don't fit there.
Being confident would be great. I haven't been like this always, up to something like 15 years old I had a lot friends, hobbies, acting in school, sports etc. Then something happened. Gambling happened.

There is two reasons why I wrote this. First off to tell young people that the life might not be all roses and butterflies even when you make the big money. Second of I need some advice how to get my life back, maybe some practical advices. I dont think quitting gambling will do any good, but instead I will have to add more funny and intresting things to my life.

[/ QUOTE ]

"For assuredly he who possesses great store of riches is no nearer happiness than he who has enough for his daily needs." - Aristotle "The Ethics

[Pog0]

[ QUOTE ]
"For assuredly he who possesses great store of riches is no nearer happiness than he who has enough for his daily needs." - Aristotle "The Ethics

[/ QUOTE ]

Where exactly is this in the text?

[Myst]

Secondary source. Never read it.

http://radicalacademy.com/adleraristotleethics1.htm

[UATrewqaz]

You have a gambling problem and you should seriously look into the resources available to help people with such, which is appears you are.

Even though you may be able to technically play good poker I dont' think you have the emotional stability to play any sort of gambling game.

Also poker players tend to hang with gambling crowds (-EV temptation everywhere)

Hang it up and get help, sounds like that's the direction you are headed.

[raytownloc]

I agree with poster who encouraged you to get some exercise, that would be a good first step. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or in the park, or at the beach for an hour. Start with that. See if that helps. You'd be suprised.

After that, you might decide that you could benefit from some therapy, so schedule an appointment with a mental health professional. It takes a brave person to admit their fears and insecurities, and you have already done that here, so I think you'll be fine. Good luck my friend.

[Blackdirt12]

Get work at a restaurant, or preferably a bar. The thing you have to remember is that once you get past a certain age there's no such thing as a cool person, it's all a load of shi t fed to you by all those dvd's you "used" to watch. Once you get past school everyone becomes friends with the people they work with. Go to a few bars with your friends at work and get a couple first dates with the women you meet at the bars...show them the money you "dreamed about" and some of them will "open their legs". After you do this a few times you'll gain some confidence and by that time you'll either grow tired of the easy women and find someone(or thing) that makes you happy, or you'll become a conceited shi t...either way you'll be better off.

[Rickyroodido]

[ QUOTE ]
Get a dog.

P.S. feed him the good stuff, you can afford it.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Black winter day]

Why do you feel,that women will just "open their legs" for you?
You need to...hmm...meet them first?
Date them first?

You know,the fact that you earn good money will surely not hurt with the ladies:)
There is tons of dating sites on the interner,if you are shy to just flirt with strangers,i don't really what's the problem,unless you just don't want to,then it's completely another problem.

[KaneKungFu123]

This is hardly a bad beat Kid.

[Peter666]

This is nothing a healthy dosage of exercise and hookers can't fix, followed by a religious conversion. And pay your parents back the money you took from them, and buy them some nice presents.

[scrapperdog]

Sounds like you got some problems but ... imagine if you had the same problems and instead of goofing around playing poker and watching movies all day you had to go to a job that barely paid the bills, had a boss that constantly demeans you, and were broke all the time (not describing myself).

You are "making the kind of money I dreamed about". Dont expect too many people to feel bad about your lifestyle of going out to eat, buying DVD's, and making loads of cash.

You are unfortunate enough to have problems but lucky enough to do something about it, unlike a lot of people. Myself, I had to stop taking my depression medication after deciding I could not fit it in the budget anymore. I am not saying this to be a jerk, just to remind you that it could always be worse, maybe that will get on track and get you doing something to address your problems.

[jskills]

[ QUOTE ]
I have a piece of advice that I really think you'll benefit from. Here it is:

Begin a regular, daily exercise regimen, and replace the fast food with healthy, nutritious food.

You'll be very surprised how the depression and poor self esteem turns to positive and energy, pride, and high self esteem as a result of the exercise. Don't take my word for it- the Harvard Medical Journal recently published a long study on the mental and physical benefits of exercise.

Don't listen to the jerks on this site that smugly tell you to get a life. They're just firing shots at you to feel better about themselves.

You asked for advice- my advice is work about an hour's worth of vigorous exercise into that daily routine. Your problems will wash away and you'll be a changed person, and this metamorphosis will happen faster than you think.

Sloth and inactivity lead to depression and mental weakness and lethargy. Exercise destroys this cycle and drastically increases your mood (not to mention benefits you physically in countless ways).

[/ QUOTE ]

I second this. Excercise will give you a lot of positive energy. And cut out all the fast food.

[Awesemo]

I would advise downloading some material by David Deangelo. He teaches how to be a more effective person and how to get ladies to spread their legs for you.

[A_C_Slater]

What I would do is get a job someplace where a bunch of people your age work. This will force you to interact, but it will take place in an impersonal setting. Don't tell them you have lots of money from online poker. Just act like you need the job as much as they do.

[Taibanl]

PAY YOUR PARENTS BACK AND TELL THEM WHAT YOU DID

[daveT]

I konw what you are going through as well. I have experienced these kinds of emotions as well. My story is not like yours but it is a life of self-destruction, hurting people as well, so I can't judge.

I decided a long time ago that for my life to be fixxed, I would need a "miracle," There is no such miracle. No amount of money, no amount of women. Nothing. Only you.

The hardes thing to do is face your own self full in the face, what you are experiencing right now. If you are able to reach out to us for help, then you are, in effect, admitting that you need some sort of help. I would suggest some sort of proffessional help. These people are not able to understand you, and don't beleive that they are able to unwind some sort of cosmic riddle for you. You simply must trust that they can show you how to lead a normal life, and that is all you can ask for.

I would like to belive that after worshipping to god of poker, you are wishing to find another. I would say go find her now. There is no better time. There must be some sort of hobby that you can try.

As for your lack of social life. I don't go out as much as I used to either. You sound like you are sort of young, mentioning your teen years. I would like to say that if someone is willing to hand out at the pub with you, then they must not be to scared of you, and thus neither should the next person.

I hope this helps.

[smittymatt]

You are obviously severly depressed, but going to a psychiatrist can only do so much. I know, as my family has a long history of getting psychiatric help. My father has been fighting lifelong depression, been on every medicine you can imagine, and still feels like sh*t way too often. My grandfather on my mother's suffers from generalized anxiety. Genetics certainly haven't been kind to me in this regard but I have been able to get by.

Anyway, the biggest changes you can make are for yourself in cognitive/attitude adjustment. I know it can be quite hard to push yourself and do things (don't know how heavily anxiety plays a role in your life) but just tell yourself, "F*ck what others think, I'll do what I want." Next time you are invited to a pub, just go no matter how [censored] you feel. Alcohol will make you less self-concious anyway; not that I am saying to become dependant on it for social situations. I know it sounds cliche, but the only person whom can make these changes is yourself. Stop taking life so seriously and making small things bigger than they really are.

[Nickelcity]

People on the bus and in pubs don't care what you look like. They are too busy worrying about what others think of them.

I agree with whoever said exercise. Go to the Y a couple times a week and run on a treadmill or something.

[HedonismBot]

I will be your friend for $275/hour

[jskills]

Here's a link on how to pick up chicks (http://www.goofball.com/rants/20040821202) using the info you referenced.

[Python49]

Good news is that you can solve this problem. You are not the first person who has had this problem and it can be fixed. You just need to get yourself out there and work on your social skills the same way you worked on your poker skills. It's pretty much the same thing. You have to work on them to get better. Imagine if you stopped playing poker for 4 years and tried to play again... you'd suck right. Well thats what its like when you stop being social for a long time, you lose social skills. The only way to get them back is to get out there. I can give you a few helpful links on stuff like this that may help you get motivated in the right direction. If you are interested you can just shout me a PM.

[r3vbr]

1- for gambling problem: bankroll management and not bet -ev propositions

2- for happyness problem: excercise and spend poker money (live the good life)

[DonkBluffer]

Viking, you clearly have social phobia. I have it too, although I have made a lot of progress recently. Read this (http://socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1).
Read all those examples... sounds familiar? Other people will say stuff like 'Don't be silly', 'Just get a life' and stuff like that, but the truth is that if you don't treat social anxiety properly you will have it for the rest of your life, and simply 'practicing' social skills will probably only be a horrible experience for you. On that website you can read letters from people who are almost 50 and only now have cured their social anxiety... a whole life wasted.

So... buy some books, or see a doctor or something. I just ordered several books on social phobia, all based on Behavioral Cognitive Therapy. That really works.

Personally I thought this (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553351397/sr=8-1/qid=1140692643/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7575917-9068834?%5Fencoding=UTF8) book was good too, but that's just me. /images/graemlins/smile.gif If you want to know more just reply or PM me or something, I've put some thought into stuff like this. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[A_PLUS]

I worked in restaurant / bars throughout college. I was always amazed at the way that otherwise social misfits would be accepted into a social circle if they worked with someone. It really didnt matter much what you looked like or whatever.

Anyway, that scene would be great for you. Bunch of young carefree people looking to enjoy life, and party. I actually worked with a guy, who was a very successful full time contractor, made a ton of money. He used to work Friday nights, as a host at the restaurant, soley to meet girls, and party with the wait staff after work.