Being there for the Birth.

[adsman]

I considered posting this in OOT, but I think that it would mostly generate a bunch of adolescent rubbish responses, and a good deal of the posters there are too young to have thought about this subject or have been affected by it.

The subject is being present for the birth of your child. Now, quite frankly, nobody is ever going to get me in that room. That's been my position from day one and I'm sticking with it. I can't imagine anything worse than going through that. The friends I have that have done it always say that it was the best experience of their lives, but you can see the high levels of trauma behind their eyes.

A few have admitted to me that it has effected their sex life. They can't get the image out of their heads of a raw and bloody childbirth. They won't admit this to their significant others, and they will deny ever having said it, but it is there.

It seems that dragging the man in to attend the birth became fashionable around 15-20 years ago, right around the time that political correctness and SNAG's and what-not began to appear. Before that we just sat it out at the pub with our mates. Now I'm not saying that the pub angle is the way to go, (although it has its attractions,) but I'm not hip with being in the room while all hell breaks loose down there.

And the primary reason is that the woman has natural ways to deal with it. She gets a huge natural endorphin or something or other release that gets her through the event. I mean, if girls didn't get that and remembered every excruciating detail, they sure wouldn't want to go back and do it again, would they? But we don't get any natural chemical release to get us through it. Nope, we've got to stand there like a stoic, holding her hand while she screams through the roof. Doesn't sound like I'd forget that in a hurry.

So, any of you who've been through the experience, what did you really think? Was it the greatest moment of your life as I hear brandied about, or do you still break into a cold sweat at just the thought of it? And what about you swinging eligible bachelors here on the El D forum? Are you willing to go through with that? Do you want to? Or would you only do it because you were pressured into it?

[edfurlong]

I'd like to think that I would be in there in an instant. It's kinda the ultimate being there when she needs you situation. I can't really wrap my mind around the whole having kids thing, but I can see beating myself up over missing something like this.

[MTUCache]

Definitely going to be in there in June, when my first child is born.

I never took quite as hard a stance as you did before she got pregnant, but I certainly wasn't looking forward to being in there.

Now, after knowing that my son is coming, and seeing/feeling his movements already, watching him react to my voice, etc.... I can't wait to be in there.

Will it suck in some ways? Sure... there's not a whole lot that's pretty about it, but that's not what it's about. It's not about how I'm going to see my wife sexually in the future, it's about being there at the birth of my son, the start of my family.

Honestly, I can't imagine not being there.

[StevieG]

[ QUOTE ]

So, any of you who've been through the experience, what did you really think? Was it the greatest moment of your life as I hear brandied about, or do you still break into a cold sweat at just the thought of it?

[/ QUOTE ]

I was very proud of my wife that day, and my eyes water remembering it.

Gripping her hand, feeding her ice chips, encouraging her, and then finally watching her with the little creature on her chest are memories I will treasure always.

Yeah, it's not sexy, but it is intimate.

I figure even if it is uncomfortable, you can man up and be there for her.

[Howard Treesong]

I am absolutely and positively in favor of being in the room: cutting umbilical cords and being the first person ever to hold both of my daughters was profoundly emotional and entirely wonderful. I suffered zero trauma and have been totally heads-over-heels in love with both daughters ever since. I'd gladly do it again for any more kids, though that prospect is unlikely.

Threadjack point: I am a huge proponent of attending family members while in the hospital 100% of the time, because medical staff make mistakes. Many staff are very competent but some are not. Basic diligence can make a huge difference. In one case, I overrode a decision from a nurse about something Mrs. Treesong was going through, and saved her from major surgery.

This seems like a perfectly appropriate topic for the El D forum, by the way.

[PnuggPnugg]

How else are you going to eat the after-birth while it's at its most fresh? In my culture, the husband and wife share a taste. Believe it or not most US hospitals will accomodate this!

[registrar]

I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't. I'm hardly a doting husband but it didn't occur to me not to be there. Fat lot of good I was. First child, I had a terrible hangover, it was the middle of the night, and I kept whacking the NO2 and passing out on the floor. But as State healthcare is so woeful in London, it was definitely good to be on hand at the birth as the nurses buggered off leaving me holding the baby un til I ranted and raved for some attention, the epidural was a [censored] up and, in general, the whole thing was pretty brutish. For my second child, we used birthing pool, which I recommend, and I was the first to see and hold my firstborn son having misguidedly, and to the rapt astonishment of the nurses, stripped down to my undies and got in. Hmmn. Happy days.

I don't think that seeing the birth made any difference to our sex life. Lack of sleep, mood swings, a weepy child in the bed, that all puts paid to that anyway.

Do whatever you want to do, but I find it pretty weird that anyone wouldn't want to witness the birth of their progeny.

I'm generally pretty squeemish but I didn't see anything to rock the fainthearted, except the distress it causes your wife. I do really, really urge to to use a birthing pool - it's so much more tranquil that way.

[dcasper70]

adsman,

I went through this experience just over 6 weeks ago (link to Lounge post/pregnancy thread) (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=8967998&page=0&vc=1) , and will testify that it was, without a doubt, the single most amazing event in my life. You should take a few minutes to read the other trip reports in that thread. They all have happened within the last 5 months, and the successful pregnancies all have had profound effects on the dads that participated.

As for us, the labor really sucked for my wife, I guess her 'natural endorphins' were on vacation. I couldn't imagine her going through that kind of pain, surrounded by complete strangers, without me by her side. On that point alone, I'd feel very selfish and guilty.

If you go into the labor room with the expectation that it will be traumatic and disgusting then you've already decided the outcome. If you think it will be an amazing, positive, life changing experience, then chances are it will be just that.

And as far as ruining your sex life, well, if blaming that on the labor and delivery helps you sleep at night, so be it. Chances are there were plenty of other reasons.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

On another note, there are certain events that you may only have a few opportunities in life to experience. I'm actually surprised that you would not be interested in being part of this. I would respect anyones choice to not be involved, as long as they are not making that choice based on ignorance and selfishness.

Just my 2 cents.

BTW, loved your 'Changing Life' posts.

[flo]

The birth of our daughter was the single best moment in my life. I never had so strong, so absurd positive emotions before, it was absolutly awesome. I can't do anything but recommend it, as there is nothing negative.
I also really like the idea of having the birth (and the days after it) at home and not in a hospital (if there are no medical complications). It's much more private, it's better for the mother/baby (imho) and the experience is a whole lot better. It depends on the hospital how much better it is though.

[Mister Z]

The experience is very different for everybody. People told me that going into the delivery room would be beautiful and I would instantly fall in love with this new little baby, yadda yadda. For me, it was terrifying and when that screaming little creature came out of my wife I wanted to run and hide. I thought I was going to pass out when [censored] started hitting the fan to be honest. I'm not trying to scare you, but that's how things happened for me.

If I was you I would still want to be in the room. When the baby comes out they'll have the mom hold the baby and then they'll put it on a little warming area and clean it up. Then you can go over and hold it's little baby hand and say "what up little 8-pound creature." Plus it's not like you have to be right down there in the thick of it with a catcher's mitt. Just stay up by mom's head and support her and try to relax and make sure things are handled well.

My advice is to go to the hospital and have a plan. Know exactly who is going to be in the room, let everybody (family/friends) know what the plan is and stick with it. Talk to the mom beforehand about who she wants in the room and any specifics and make sure those are carried out.

[MuckerFish]

I was definitely in your boat. I didn't want to be in the room. I wasn't concerned about seeing the delivery, I just didn't want to see my wife in so much pain, but not really being able to help her. I liked the more traditional idea of pacing around in a waiting room and having some nurse come out saying "It's a girl" and me celebrating etc. However my wife said it was important to her, so I was in with her. In retrospect, it was a fantastic experience for us, and I'll be in the room if we're lucky enough to have another child.

If you don't want to see all the mess, you can just sit at the head of the bed/behind the surgical drapes. Less graphic of a view.

[FeliciaLee]

Although I'm a woman, the most horrifying thing in the world to me would be looking at childbirth. Even the thought of it makes me nauseated. If I were a dude, the last thing I'd want would be to be in that room (although I'd do it, if asked).

OTOH, if I'd ever had kids, I'd want my husband to be there. He put the bun in the oven, he should be there to take it out, yanno? If I have to go through all the pain, he should at least have to hear it. I'd rip Glenn apart if he refused to be there.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, I wouldn't mind at all if he stayed around my head. The whole "looking up the [censored]" thingy is the nauseating part, to me. Don't they still cover the mother with sheets and stuff down there? Like make a tent or something, and the OB is under the tent?

Glenn could stay up top. Do the ice chips and holding hand stuff. He wouldn't have to go "under the tent," if you know what I mean. In fact, no one but the medical team would have to go under. It grosses me out just to think about it, and I'm a woman! Then again, I should have been a guy.

Felicia /images/graemlins/smile.gif
have to go throw up now...

[ChicagoTroy]

Dr. Drew actually got into this on Love Line once. He said it was a BS remnant of the "sensitive man 90's" and that a guy shouldn't be there if it makes him uncomfortable, which it always does.

[TxSteve]

My opinion.

You should be there. No if's and's or but's. It will be a scary (and exciting) time for your wife and its not something you should make her go through alone.

That being said; during a natural birth; I would not be down where I could 'see stuff'. I would stay up at my wife's head and hold her hand; pat her head with a wet rag; etc.

My wife had a C-section. I stayed in there. I did look a couple times at the incision (and we have it on tape) but I mostly stayed with her and then the baby after the nurses took her to clean her up etc.

Looking back I would see it as a huge mistake if I had chosed to send her into that room alone.

[By-Tor]

been there, done that....3 times.

the best part is having your wife connected to what is basically a pain meter. With her on the drugs, you tend to know that she is (or will be) in pain sooner then she does.

This is a rare advantage that must be taken.

/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[JoseRijo]

[ QUOTE ]

OTOH, if I'd ever had kids, I'd want my husband to be there. He put the bun in the oven, he should be there to take it out, yanno? If I have to go through all the pain, he should at least have to hear it. I'd rip Glenn apart if he refused to be there.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, I wouldn't mind at all if he stayed around my head.

[/ QUOTE ]
QFT. You *will* be at the birth. You're just going to have to deal with it as best you can. Not looking down will help, but that might not even be necessary.

I have two kids. The first took forever to come out (2 1/2 hours in labor, and then they had to get the plunger). I was totally fine and it was an amazing experience.

The second labor only lasted about 20 minutes, but I guess I wasn't in the same frame of mind and could barely watch. I just looked past the bed and tried not to think about it.

My mother-in-law was at both births. I suggest you have a female family member there. She'll take loads of heat off of you. Good luck!

[mattsey9]

"A boatwright doesn't need to be there when they launch the ship. He just needs to be there when they lay the keel."

Having said that, I've been informed by my wife that I'll be in the room, and that isn't negotiable. I can't imagine that when pull comes to tug that I wouldn't want to be there anyway.

[Dominic]

I'm pretty much on your side, Ad. I even read about some men becoming impotent after the birth because of this huge guilt they felt about putting their wives through such an ordeal.

I'll probably break down and be in the room if my wife wants me there, however. But I'm pulling ice-chip and hand-holding duty. I'm staying up by her head where I can stroke her hair. Show me the kid when he's all the way out. An NO, I do not want to cut the cord, okay??? As Bill Cosby says, "Don't you have more qualified people to do that?"

[4_2_it]

[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Drew actually got into this on Love Line once. He said it was a BS remnant of the "sensitive man 90's" and that a guy shouldn't be there if it makes him uncomfortable, which it always does.

[/ QUOTE ]

You couldn't be more wrong. I was there for both of my daughters' births and I was not uncomfortable in the least. It was a privilege to help take care of my wife and I would say that those two episodes are two of the finest I will encounter during my life. Davey, et al are spot on that it is truly a life changing experience. Even today, I will tell my daughters what they were like right after birth and they never get tired of hearing that story.

[deacsoft]

I was in the room when my daughter was born and it was the greatest moment in my life. I didn't watch the birth. I sat on the edge of the bed next to my daughter's mother, held her hand, and tried to be encouraging/helpful. We went in to the hospital on a Wednesday afternoon and our daughter was born on Friday morning. It was long and exhausting. We had only four hours of sleep the entire time. I never left her side. It's something that we shared together and it was truly an amazing experience.

Being there when the doctor first held my daughter high enough that I could see her was a blessing. I would swear that every light in the room dimmed when her eyes opened. Seeing her big beautiful blue eyes take in the world for the first time was incredible. If there's anyway you can find the strength to be in that room... be there. You don't have to be next to the doctor and watching the birth. Just be there and be supportive of your child's mother. Not being there may be something you regret the rest of your life.

[Irieguy]

As an obstetrician I see this situation 25-30 times a month. The father is rarely missing from the room.

Personally, I long for the "old" days because the father in the room is rarely helpful and often does something to make an ass of himself or pissoff his wife/gf. But it has just come to be expected and I can honestly say that that is the primary reason why the dude is there... he is supposed to be.

I think that what most men describe as the the most amazing experience of their life has mostly to do with having a child, and not specifically to do with being in the room for any particular portion of the labor and/or delivery.

I would side with Dr. Drew on this issue and say that if you are not comfortable with the idea, you should be in the waiting room. Your wife will have to be pretty cool for her to be "ok" with that plan, though.

I think it is better overall if the father is not in the room, but I am definitely used to it and would recommend that each couple just do what they personally think is best for them. Unfortunately, the social custom and expectation is weighted so heavily toward the dude being there that it is not really even possible for each couple to objectively decide for themselves.

I would deliver my own children if I decided to have children, so I would obviously be in the room. But if there were high-risk factors that would take the fun out of doing the delivery I would have a colleague care for my wife and I would be in the waiting room.

As far as the sex-related concerns:

Couples frequently experience dramatic changes in their sex lives after the birth of their first child, but the reasons behind that are complex. Whether or not witnessing your wife giving birth would affect your sexuality in a detrimental way is a very individual and personal issue. I would say that it is not a huge factor for most, but can certainly be for some.

One suggestion would be to talk openly to your wife about this concern. You can explain to her that while you understand that she may want you there, you have some concerns about how the experience may negatively affect your psyche and potentially your future sex life together. Most people wouldn't admit that, and it could make for an uncomfortable converstation. But open, honest discussion is the foundation of any successful relationship so I always think that is the best way to go.

Irieguy

[amplify]

I was present during the cesarean section birth of my daughter. I saw the whole thing, the deep incision, dredging a human being out of the living flesh of another. It was amazing.

adsman, it's not about you, be there for her, knucklehead.

[StevieG]

[ QUOTE ]
An NO, I do not want to cut the cord, okay??? As Bill Cosby says, "Don't you have more qualified people to do that?"

[/ QUOTE ]

I hadn't thought about cutting the cord (despite N being in labor for 12 hours) and when the doc offered, I thought "why the hell do I want to do this when there is a Johns Hopkins doctor with the instrument in his hand already?"

It was really great to hold the baby, though, and hand her to her mother for the first time.

[Mrs. Utah]

Okay I am gonna pipe in here as a labor nurse.

I agree that if its not your thing its okay, its not for everyone. Just make sure that mom knows this way ahead of time because she should have someone there. It can be a very overwhelming experience for women and unfortunately as much as the nurses want to be able to be in the room as much as possible to support her, esp. if she is alone its just not always possible.

I agree with JoseRijo about having a secondary support person there if you know you cannot be in the room.

I have had a lot of dads that are very squeamish and we can accommodate this. Having him step out at certain times, giving him a heads up as to what is coming next.

Irieguy, I am curious as to your thought on lots of people in the room. I come across this a lot.

I will also say that as a mom I loved having Utah in the room and would have not wanted anyone else there. He stayed at the head of the bed, did not cut the cord, but he was there.

[MrMon]

I'll chime in and repeat that you should be there for your wife, you don't have to watch. I'm not particularly squeamish, but I really didn't need to watch the birth, nor did my wife want me to. She did want me in the room talking to her though. Not to be there for her I think is particularly wrong. That should be the minimum, unless she kicks you out. Anything beyond that, and it's up to each individual couple, but you have to be there.

[gusmahler]

I was there for the birth of my daughter. Best moment in my life? Not in a long shot. I had more fun this morning, playing catch with her for 10 minutes than I did in that hospital room. There's nothing "fun" about childbirth. When people say that it's the best moment in their life, they're talking about the symbolism of the birth. E.g., I couldn't have played catch with my daughter without her going through the birth process first.

But, after seeing so many ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat, there was nothing that would have prevented me from being in that room the first time my daughter took a breath. I was just really looking forward to holding her and being there for her (and the mother, of course). As for not cutting the umbilical cord, it's not like you're being asked to stitch up a head wound. Cutting the cord is easy and can be done by anyone. The symbolism is that the father is cutting the last physical tie the child had to the mother.

[JojoDiego]

I was there, and it was [censored] amazing. And I was much more involved than I expected. The labor nurse had me hold a leg during the final pushing. I enjoyed the huge connection with my wife, the huge connection with my new daughter, and just seeing the birth of a new human.

I definitely don't get squeamish around blood/guts, though, and I recognize some people do. Also, I don't think I would've wanted to view a cesarean delivery. Not because of the blood/guts, but because I wouldn't want to see somebody gutting my wife. But you can stay behind the curtain and not see that.

For what it's worth, despite my expectations, I was not struck with lightning bolts of love when I first glimpsed my daughter. I mean, I definitely loved her and it was very powerful, but it wasn't some overwhelming Life-God force of LOVE. It took a couple months to reach that magnitude.

Also, the non self-centered reasons for attending a birth listed in the above posts are dead on.

[grapevinekid]

I always thought it was an overused cliche when I heard athletes say after winning the Super Bowl, World Series, etc. it was second only to the birth of their first child until I was there in the delivery room with my wife and she delivered the first of my two sons.

I've had this discussion with many other guys whose wives were pregnant for the first time and as I told them there is no athletic or artificial high that compares to being in the delivery room for the birth of your child. I don't even remember my feet hitting the ground when I carried my son who was all of about 15 minutes old from the delivery room to the nursery for his first bath.

With my second son there was a little bit of "been there done that" but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Hell, the women have the tough job. The least we can do is be there to support them.

[adsman]

Lots of interesting and honest responses, great stuff everyone. I do think that Irieguy's response is the most interesting. I always love to hear what someone thinks who works on the inside on any subject - they usually have a lock on the true situation. Mrs Utah as well had some interesting points.

It really does seem that men are 'expected' to do this, when years ago we were not expected to do it. What both of these do is not give men a real say in the matter, and I think that sucks. If you want to go in then that's great and I admire you for it. But you should be able to say that it's not your deal as well.

FWIW, I'm not expecting any children. That I know of.

[JaBlue]

Not being there seems crazy to me. Its your child! Seems like a very important moment in my child's life and I wouldn't want to miss it just like I wouldn't want to miss a birthday party or little league game.

I saw a live birth on tape in 6th grade and it was pretty nasty. Mucous bubble, hair, blood, a head coming out of a vagina... all this stuff is pretty gross but in no way traumatizing. I am certain that seeing that would have little to no future effect on me.

And the whole considering natural phenomena gross... that's just something I think we need to get over in general. Pooping, vomiting, blood, dead people, whatever you think is gross, these things are all just part of life. In my opinion, you've got to be pretty prissy to let that stuff effect you.

And besides, your wife is going through a lot. At the very least you should be there to support her. I can't imagine any woman being OK with their husband not being there if he can.

The very fact that if I were the woman and I were giving birth, I'd want my husband to be there is enough for me to be willing to be there for my wife even if I didn't like the idea of seeing a birth.

[MrMon]

[ QUOTE ]
It really does seem that men are 'expected' to do this, when years ago we were not expected to do it. What both of these do is not give men a real say in the matter, and I think that sucks. If you want to go in then that's great and I admire you for it. But you should be able to say that it's not your deal as well.


[/ QUOTE ]

If you haven't learned by now that men have very little say in what goes on in family life, you're in for a rude awakening. Just do what you're told and no one gets hurt. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[JuntMonkey]

In 11th grade health class I did not watch the video.

Does it smell in the room?

[Irieguy]

[ QUOTE ]

Irieguy, I am curious as to your thought on lots of people in the room. I come across this a lot.

[/ QUOTE ]


Yeah, I come across this a lot as well. I think it is ridiculous, but it's not very important what I think. I want my patients to have the experience that they want to have during their labor and delivery. I allow videotaping, I am flexible with number of people in the room. If they want to set up grandstand seating for the event, that's fine with me.

Many obstetricians have dramatically different opinions on the matter than I do, of course. Mostly, it has to do with medico-legal reasons. I tend to be very calm and deliberate during an emergency, so I never mind being witnessed or videotaped because I know at the very least it will appear to onlookers as though I am not "out of control." I'm sure you've been in delivery rooms during an emergency where things are a chaotic mess... I would not want a lot of people in the room if this were the case.

But as long as everybody is out of the way of the nursery personnel, I don't mind that much. I just don't understand why you wouldn't want it to be a private affair.

Irieguy

[By-Tor]

fyi for anyone considering not going into the delivery room....

Change your mind.





I hate my ex-wife with a mad passion, but would still do it all over again without a question.

It is that important.

[Elevens]

As of others have said, you need to be there. For her, for your child, and for you. You don't have to watch the actual birth, just stand by her, hold her hand, and do whatever comforts her. You will regret not being there.

I would have been crushed if I couldn't have been there when my daughter was born.

[goodgrief]

As a woman, I think you are all mad and a little bit cruel. You shouldn't even ask HER to be there at the birth. This is why God made general anesthetic. I detest the hateful trend of the man being there in the delivery room -- sometimes complete with video cam! -- and thus obligating his wife to go through horrendous pain when it is completely unnecessary.

There is something sick and unhealthy in this culture which glorifies placing a pregnant woman in unnecessary pain merely to give the man a good story, a gross-out video, and a boast of how he was there. Guess what. If you didn't carry the child for 9 months, if you didn't strain the kid out through a body part that is much too small to accommodate the human head, YOU WEREN'T THERE and standing there with a videocam doesn't change biology.

What the hell is wrong with people? I suppose I'm old-fashioned, but for the love of God, give your wife the privacy and the space to be able to call for relief. Every minute of pain she suffers in the delivery room so you can "be there" is entirely unnecessary and happens only to gratify your ego.

It is sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

The world would be a better place if every man who patted himself on the back for feeding his wife ice chips in the place of allowing a doctor to give her general anesthetic was forced to give birth through his penis.

It ain't about you. If you love her, back off and give her room and deniability to get away from the hateful natural childbirth crap and take advantage of modern technology. It's 2007, not 707. If it's old-fashioned to despise unnecessary pain and suffering, I will take the old-fashioned man any day of the week.

No real woman wants to be on videocamera screaming in pain with blood coming out of her privates and her hair messed up. If she says she does, it's because she thinks you expect it -- and, sadly, too many of you apparently do.

[pvn]

[ QUOTE ]
It really does seem that men are 'expected' to do this, when years ago we were not expected to do it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Years ago, men were often not *allowed* to do it, especially in ceasarian situations. And those of you who say "I will be there no matter what," be advised, if there is an *emergency* c-section, you will *not* be there. You're only there to provide support for the mother, not to spectate (that's a side benefit). If the mother is going under, they're not letting you in.

[ QUOTE ]
But you should be able to say that it's not your deal as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed. But even after you say that, you may be coerced into attending anyway. Your objection will be noted and entered into the log.

If you have any sense of adventure at all, it's really worth doing, at least once, even if you think it will be unpleasant. Plus, there's lots of opportunities for on-the-spot prop bets. We had chosen not to find out the gender of our first. As the doctor began the c-section (we had some slight complications due to the size of the baby) the doctor said she was "due for a girl" since she had delivered five boys that day. I immediately said "come on doc, you know it doesn't work that way; I'll put $100 on a boy." Unfortunately, she declined the wager (probably some BS about "professional ethics"), but we had a gentleman's wager, which she lost (in addition to the size, the doc estimated 8.5 lbs the morning of the delivery, I said 9.5, the baby was 9 lbs, 14 oz. - she also declined a c-note wager I offered on this). 200 Sklansky Bucks in my pocket, at least.

[ QUOTE ]
FWIW, I'm not expecting any children. That I know of.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh. Then your opinion on this is pretty much worthless (in the sense that it is *so* likely to change when your genes are actually at stake; your priorities may shift quite dramatically). /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[pvn]

[ QUOTE ]
As a woman, I think you are all mad and a little bit cruel. You shouldn't even ask HER to be there at the birth. This is why God made general anesthetic. I detest the hateful trend of the man being there in the delivery room -- sometimes complete with video cam! -- and thus obligating his wife to go through horrendous pain when it is completely unnecessary.

There is something sick and unhealthy in this culture which glorifies placing a pregnant woman in unnecessary pain merely to give the man a good story, a gross-out video, and a boast of how he was there. Guess what. If you didn't carry the child for 9 months, if you didn't strain the kid out through a body part that is much too small to accommodate the human head, YOU WEREN'T THERE and standing there with a videocam doesn't change biology.

What the hell is wrong with people? I suppose I'm old-fashioned, but for the love of God, give your wife the privacy and the space to be able to call for relief. Every minute of pain she suffers in the delivery room so you can "be there" is entirely unnecessary and happens only to gratify your ego.

It is sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

The world would be a better place if every man who patted himself on the back for feeding his wife ice chips in the place of allowing a doctor to give her general anesthetic was forced to give birth through his penis.

It ain't about you. If you love her, back off and give her room and deniability to get away from the hateful natural childbirth crap and take advantage of modern technology. It's 2007, not 707. If it's old-fashioned to despise unnecessary pain and suffering, I will take the old-fashioned man any day of the week.

No real woman wants to be on videocamera screaming in pain with blood coming out of her privates and her hair messed up. If she says she does, it's because she thinks you expect it -- and, sadly, too many of you apparently do.

[/ QUOTE ]

You don't need general anesthetic to avoid pain. Epidurals are quite effective in most cases. And there is reason even to avoid them, as drugs can introduce complications and slow labor progression. My wife labored for 12 hours before getting her epidural, mostly because she said the pain wasn't really that bad and she didn't want to slow anything down.

Further, c-sections are not to be taken lightly, there are possible complications for both mother and baby. They are, in general, somewhat riskier than natural birth (obviously, in certain situations, they become *dramatically* less risky).

But if you really want that experience, you can have it. And your ascribing of this trend to selfish fathers is way misplaced. Most of the pressure for the man to be present for the birth, and most of the push for more "natural" delivery has been from mothers, not fathers.

[MikeNaked]

[ QUOTE ]

But if you really want that experience, you can have it. And your ascribing of this trend to selfish fathers is way misplaced. Most of the pressure for the man to be present for the birth, and most of the push for more "natural" delivery has been from mothers, not fathers.

[/ QUOTE ]

QFT. A natural birth is what my wife wanted and she did it with no problems. She said that after the contractions ended, it wasn't painful at all - just intense pressure.

I took some Bradley natural childbirth classes with my wife so I could support and "coach" her while she was going through it. It's not like the old days where you have the whole community of women coming together to bring hot water, towels and stuff. You basically don't really know the people who are assisting you, so there was no way I wanted her to be alone in there.

I tried to stay up by her head, encouraging and supporting her. I did catch a few glimpses of her blown-out vag and that annihilated any sexiness that it previously held for me. It took me quite awhile to recover and our sex life still isn't the same.

[x2ski]

It was a rough 12 hours, but the moment my son was born, I completely lost it emotionally.

It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and each passing day makes those 12 "traumatic" hours increasingly worth it. The wife might disagree.

Also, it hasn't affected our sex life. We never have sex anyway.

edit: I DID make it a point not to look "down there" at all during the whole ordeal. That probably helped. I also DID get squirted with blood when my son came out, but I thought that was pretty awesome (just on my shirt... not the face or anything... that woulda been kinda disgusting)

A friend of mine filmed the entire birth of his daughter... I could never, ever do that)

[Your Mom]

[ QUOTE ]

It seems that dragging the man in to attend the birth became fashionable around 15-20 years ago, right around the time that political correctness and SNAG's and what-not began to appear. Before that we just sat it out at the pub with our mates.

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't think so.

[Your Mom]

[ QUOTE ]
Dr. Drew actually got into this on Love Line once. He said it was a BS remnant of the "sensitive man 90's" and that a guy shouldn't be there if it makes him uncomfortable, which it always does.

[/ QUOTE ]

Then Drew's a [censored]. All of us have to do things that make us uncomfortable all the time. It's called life.

[StellarWind]

I was there all three times and I'm very glad I was.

Be prepared for sleep deprivation. First children often take much longer than subsequent births. There can be many-hour periods where nothing happens. Hopefully she sleeps and you bring a book.

[ QUOTE ]
A few have admitted to me that it has effected their sex life. They can't get the image out of their heads of a raw and bloody childbirth. They won't admit this to their significant others, and they will deny ever having said it, but it is there.

[/ QUOTE ]
I can't relate to this at all and don't understand someone feeling that way. But everyone is different and I won't claim to speak for anyone but myself.

[ QUOTE ]
And the primary reason is that the woman has natural ways to deal with it. She gets a huge natural endorphin or something or other release that gets her through the event. I mean, if girls didn't get that and remembered every excruciating detail, they sure wouldn't want to go back and do it again, would they? But we don't get any natural chemical release to get us through it. Nope, we've got to stand there like a stoic, holding her hand while she screams through the roof. Doesn't sound like I'd forget that in a hurry.

[/ QUOTE ]
This depends a lot on what pain-management technique is used. This is something that you should discuss in advance. If she chooses an epidural she will not suffer too much pain unless some complication precludes its use. Without drugs she faces a difficult experience but knowing that it was her choice should help you. It's not like she is being tortured while you sit by helpless. She'll be fine and that should allow you to be fine.

One thing you should do is attend the childbirth classes with her. Education will prepare you for what lies ahead, even if you choose not to be at the birth.

My wife is truly my best friend. I can't imagine leaving her alone with strangers to face this. Even if I were afraid I hope I would have found a way to overcome it. Supporting her when she needs you most will deepen your relationship, not damage it.

[Gordon Scott]

My only child took 15 hours to deliver and I spent most of that time giving back rubs, ice chips and getting my hand squeezed off because my wife because she wanted to go all natural. It was almost 21 years ago and it was the most incredible experience in my life.

I can’t speak for others but I’m personally glad video wasn’t popular at the time.

Best of Luck

[Ser William]

I can't add much new but I was there for the birth of both my kids and it was incredible. I am terribly squeamish so I just stayed up on her shoulder and never looked down. When the baby is born we had him/her (first time a boy, 2nd a girl) taken immediately to the heated table to get cleaned off (some moms want the baby immediately up on their chest) and I just went and spent all my time there while they stitched my wife up and cleaned up the mess. I refused to even cut the umbilical cord, I'm that squeamish. But, those last few minutes coming out / first few minutes afterwards is like an out of body experience, so exhilirating, makes you feel so alive.. that I wouldn't pass that up for anything.

[Zurvan]

I was there for the birth of my daughter. I can't say it was a great experience, but my wife wanted me there. I spent the entire delivery talking to her, and didn't once look at what was happening. That's for the doctors to worry about. For me, I just helped keep my wife calm, and counted to 10 when she was pushing.

My wife had medical problems, so it was an emergency induction. The baby was upside down, and couldn't come out. They used the vaccuum, which popped off her head, and made the most terrifying noise I've ever heard. Until the next push, and they did the episiotomy. When my daughter was finally born, she was blue & limp, and not making any noise. It was literally the longest 5 seconds of my life before she finally kicked her little legs, and starting making her little squeaky breathing noises. She was 4 weeks early, so her lungs were sticky, and she didn't breath properly for 30 minutes or so. They rushed her to the Nursery, and hooked her up to a bunch of machines. You couldn't have gotten me away from her with a bomb.

It's an incredibly powerful experience to see your child being born. It will amaze you what your wife can do, you'll never look at her the same way again. If you're concerned about it affecting your sex life (and my wife & I both were), just stay away from the business end of things.

[jaydub]

[ QUOTE ]
As a woman, I think you are all mad and a little bit cruel. You shouldn't even ask HER to be there at the birth. This is why God made general anesthetic.


[/ QUOTE ]

Not sure what you're ranting about, most women demand their husband's presence and I'm pretty sure her presence is required.

[ QUOTE ]

I detest the hateful trend of the man being there in the delivery room -- sometimes complete with video cam! -- and thus obligating his wife to go through horrendous pain when it is completely unnecessary.


[/ QUOTE ]

What does the man and a video cam have to do with pain? Epidurals and cameras are not mutually exclusive.

[ QUOTE ]

There is something sick and unhealthy in this culture which glorifies placing a pregnant woman in unnecessary pain merely to give the man a good story, a gross-out video, and a boast of how he was there.


[/ QUOTE ]

I have a very different interpretation of the man's presence and the desire for video cameras than you do. I believe that their presence is almost universally dictated by the woman, as is the choice of pain management.

[ QUOTE ]

Guess what. If you didn't carry the child for 9 months, if you didn't strain the kid out through a body part that is much too small to accommodate the human head, YOU WEREN'T THERE and standing there with a videocam doesn't change biology.


[/ QUOTE ]

Actually I believe it is appropriately sized for a head thus ensuring the survival of the species. I will reiterate, the man's presence is at the behest of the wife for support. Just like the previous months (actually 10, not 9), his role is to support the wife and make her as comfortable as possible. This includes everything from going to the doctor to hear potentially bad news to ice cream runs at midnight.

[ QUOTE ]

What the hell is wrong with people? I suppose I'm old-fashioned, but for the love of God, give your wife the privacy and the space to be able to call for relief. Every minute of pain she suffers in the delivery room so you can "be there" is entirely unnecessary and happens only to gratify your ego.


[/ QUOTE ]

How does a man's presence prolong the experience?

[ QUOTE ]

It is sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

The world would be a better place if every man who patted himself on the back for feeding his wife ice chips in the place of allowing a doctor to give her general anesthetic was forced to give birth through his penis.

It ain't about you. If you love her, back off and give her room and deniability to get away from the hateful natural childbirth crap and take advantage of modern technology. It's 2007, not 707. If it's old-fashioned to despise unnecessary pain and suffering, I will take the old-fashioned man any day of the week.

No real woman wants to be on videocamera screaming in pain with blood coming out of her privates and her hair messed up. If she says she does, it's because she thinks you expect it -- and, sadly, too many of you apparently do.

[/ QUOTE ]

Again how is this the man's doing?

OP,

I was there for our first and will be there for any future kids. As you do not yet have a pregnant wife and may not even have a wife, I frankly do not think you are in a position to forecast what you will do in the situation.

J

[elwoodblues]

I haven't read through all of the responses, but you can be there and not actually watch it happen. Just be there to support the person that you love in a time when they really need it. I witnessed both of my kids (though both were C-sections.) It was scary to see my wife in such a state, but the instant I saw both my son and daughter my eyes welled up with supreme delight. There hasn't been a better experience in my very satisfying life.

On a side note, I just found out yesterday that my wife is pregnant with twins!!! I am in trouble.

[Mrs. Utah]

[ QUOTE ]

On a side note, I just found out yesterday that my wife is pregnant with twins!!! I am in trouble.

[/ QUOTE ]

Congrats to you and the Mrs.! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[mrmarkus]

I was there for all 21 hours of my daughter's birth and let me tell you that I wanted to be there. I wanted to be there to see my first born come inot the world. I wanted to be there to support my wife. I wanted to have that experience of seeing a life I created with my wife come into this world.

I watched every minute of the labor. I watched my wife deal with pain for 19 hours and be able to do nothing about except hold her hand, get her ice chips and tell her everything is going great. I was also there when after two hours of pushing when the doctor told my wife that she had to have an emergency c-section because the baby's heartrate was too high. My wife looked at me and said, "I tried so hard. Is the baby going to be alright?" I told her of course but I had no idea. Just to be there for that, I think got my wife through the ordeal. Now we have a beautiful two month old girl.

So, OP, I understand your concerns and reservations but the bottom line is that your wife, girlfriedn lover or whatever needs you there. Trust me, at times it is not easy. Your wife goes through a lot and you can't do anything about it. It is a helpless situation. But having you there makes it the slightest bit bearable for her.

Also, in regards to guys not being there in the past, I think that there are two reasons for that. Long ago, before pain medicine and eppidurals (sp?), women went through hell and having the guy there was too much for the doctor or midwife to handle. In the more recent past, the women were knocked out so it didn't matter. Nowadays, women are totally awake, somewhat relieved (at least most women) and need the support of the one they love.

Lastly, about the relation of birth to having sex again - trust me, you will be down. The reason being is that after your wife gives birth, you are on the DL for a while and when she finally calls you out of the bullpen, the last thing you are thinking about is childbirth. Trust me.

[Colt McCoy]

There's a reason they used to send men off to boil water back when everyone gave birth at home, and it wasn't because they needed boiling water. They were just getting him the hell out of the way, and making him feel useful. I don't really understand how fathers in the delivery room became the in-thing, especially having the father in there videotaping. Women should know by now that men are generally lousy at providing the kind of comfort-providing support they need at times like that. A man's way of providing support is generally to try to fix things, and we suck when there's really nothing to fix. I don't get why some men want to be there either. Having said all that, if she wants you there, just do it.

[Osprey]

What's with the person who wants everyone to get general anesthesia?
Assuming a 0.5% serious complication rate from the anesthesia, for every 1 million births, that's 5,000 serious complications you didn't need to have.

[Lottery Larry]

[ QUOTE ]
The subject is being present for the birth of your child. Now, quite frankly, nobody is ever going to get me in that room. That's been my position from day one and I'm sticking with it. I can't imagine anything worse than going through that. The friends I have that have done it always say that it was the best experience of their lives, but you can see the high levels of trauma behind their eyes.

A few have admitted to me that it has effected their sex life. They can't get the image out of their heads of a raw and bloody childbirth. They won't admit this to their significant others, and they will deny ever having said it, but it is there.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think it's sad and somewhat pathetic that people think this way, but to each their own. I can imagine a LOT worse scenarios to be in than a childbirth.

What is the root of your set-in-stone decision? Are you that uncomfortable around hospitals, or your wife in pain?

BTW, it is HUGELY -EV to hand your wife such a tool as "You wouldn't be in the delivery room to help me with our child".

Qualifications- three kids, there for all three, no problems of any kind afterwards for me. I didn't see it as "the most beautiful thing in the world" (newborn kids are just ugly, but you would be too) but it makes no sense to me NOT to be there.

[theBruiser500]

dominic, "As Bill Cosby says, "Don't you have more qualified people to do that?""

no. there's a big difference between a doctor and a love thing, love is more powerful

[Mrs. Utah]

[ QUOTE ]
What's with the person who wants everyone to get general anesthesia?
Assuming a 0.5% serious complication rate from the anesthesia, for every 1 million births, that's 5,000 serious complications you didn't need to have.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good question. I kind of wonder how serious that post was.

There are a lot of things to consider with general anesthesia which is why its only used in the most critical emergencies.

Dads/support people cannot be in the OR when mom is being put under. That comes from the MDAs and OR staff. Its very unnerving to see someone, esp someone you love under. They are laid out, intubated and the eyes are usually taped shut.
In an emergency the MDAs have to work very quickly to get mom under safely and the baby is delivered very quickly.


Although the meds given are generally safe for baby, the babies usually have to be resuscitated. If its emergent the babies usually need more interventions to stabilize-intubation, artificial respirations, chest compressions, meds....

Babies are then taken to Special Care Nursery to be monitored-so separated from mom. Dads will usually follow the baby.

Moms who are put under general have to recover in PACU(post anesthesia care unit) for an hour or so again separated from baby and dad.


All of the moms I have taken care of hated the fact that they did not witness in some way the birth or get to see their baby immediately. They also hated having to recover alone.

For routine C-sections(even emergent) where there is enough time to deliver with spinal anesthesia mom is awake and dad or someone is there with her. She will recover on Labor and Delivery and if the baby is stable she will recover with her baby and dad(whoever) is also there. The goal is to keep everyone together since that is what most everybody wants.

[samjjones]

adsman - Be there. Don't be a pussy.

[thedorf]

I used to think being in the room wasn't such a hot idea either. I also remember phil mickleson after he won his first major or something like that saying that next to the birth of his kids, that was the greatest moment of his life. When I heard that, I thought it was probably total BS (that he got such a big kick out of his kids' birth).

Also, I've been to the amazon, climed volcanoes, taken really great drugs and on and on and nothing even comes close to the day my son was born.

[ QUOTE ]
A few have admitted to me that it has effected their sex life. They can't get the image out of their heads of a raw and bloody childbirth. They won't admit this to their significant others, and they will deny ever having said it, but it is there.


[/ QUOTE ]

I stood right next to my wife's head the whole time. I recommend it. You don't need to look down there. You're paying about a thousand bucks an hour not to.

[ QUOTE ]
And the primary reason is that the woman has natural ways to deal with it. She gets a huge natural endorphin or something or other release that gets her through the event.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, I don't know what it was, but I was completely overcome myself and wild horses couldn't keep me out of the room for the next one (Jul. 27).

One other thing. IMO, birthing class is completely useless if youre having your baby in a hospital.

[NicksDad1970]

I woudn't have missed it for the world.

it was an awesome moment that I'm thankful I didn't miss.

[fnord_too]

I haven't read any of the responses yet. I was present for the birth of both of my children, and not being there in this day and age is pretty bad IMO (unless you have to be away from the area, like you are on deployment or something.)

One big point: You don't have to look at the actual birth. I really didn't. "Do you want to see this?!!" "Not really." I just stayed by the upper half of my wife and held her hand and said whatever the hell it is you say in those situations to try to be comforting. If you do that you really cannot see the birth part.

When the baby is first born they get reasonably cleaned up right away iirc. That is they get wiped down immediately and it isn't bad at all. They will probably ask you to cut the cord, but that is no biggie, you still don't have to look at the birthing area and it is like a ribbon cutting ceremony almost. You can also say no here too, but it really isn't much of an issue.

It really is not that traumatic unless you are squeemish beyoned belief. I am kinda of squeemish when it comes to other people's misery (my own doesn't get to me that much) and I didn't have any problem with it. There was no crazy screaming, no "YOU DID THIS TO ME!," just maybe a "Damn right I am ready for my epidural!"

The whole process leading up to the birth takes several hours. People come in every so often but for the most part it is just you and your wife waiting. The birth portion varies, but the intense part is really only several minutes iirc, and again, not bad at all if you just don't look at vaginal area, and it is easy not to because they have something blocking the view. Then you get to hold your baby who is less than a minute old, that part is pretty damn cool.

Oh, here is one tip: nurses will change the diapers while you were still there. For the first day or two after birth, a baby's poo is like tar. Don't think "Well, I may as well get some practice changing stinkies" because they are far worse for that first day or two.

Cliff's notes: Man up and go, it isn't that bad and you are shielded from the potentially disturbing stuff if you want to be. (Hell it may not have been that bad but I didn't watch that part.)

[vulturesrow]

First post in a while, and my first in the El D forum. Good one though, as I feel uniquely qualified having had 4 daughters and haivng been there for 3 of 4 births (I was on deployment during the birth of number 2). Without a doubt, I think you should be there. Many people have made some great points, so I'll try not to beat a dead horse here. But I can honstly say it was an amazing experience and my personal feeling is that as a father you have an obligation to be there if your wife wants you to be. My wife had 4 C-sections and I remained comfortably ensconced behind the curtain that is draped over her midsection. I stood up to watch the the baby come out and then cut the cord. Then I accompanied the baby to the nursery and fed all of them for the first time while me wife was in recovery.