The Folder of the Absurd (large, might load slow)

[Los Feliz Slim]

In my line of work, I get some crazy [censored] in the mail. For several years I've been holding on to my favorite crap in a folder I call The Folder of the Absurd. I'm sharing a few pieces in the hopes that they will amuse you, and that you might scan/post some other absurd things for my own amusement.

First, this card was included in an envelope with a headshot and resume submission I received. Can you tell which of these options is absurd?

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/kastle.jpg

Next is a four-page letter than accompanied another headshot and resume that was sent to a couple female agents in the office. I didn't scan it in color because it'd be hard to read, but this is all written on red construction paper, which makes it better. Enjoy.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/pg1.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/pg2.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/pg3.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/pg4.jpg

I've got more, I'll post some more later once y'all pony up your good stuff. Hope you liked it.

[El Diablo]

LFS,

Great stuff. I gotta decide whether there's anything I can post up here without getting sued, haha. Now it makes me wish I had saved all the hilarious emails I get from random people.

Maybe I'll just add some absurd workplace stories, I have plenty.

[Los Feliz Slim]

Absurdity in all its forms is welcome here. I also have some stuff I want to post but can't, like the guy who sent me a headshot along with COLOR copies of his: driver's license, social security card, scuba license, gun permit, and passport picture page (all to prove he had them). Basically, he sent me his entire identity in an envelope.

[Kneel B4 Zod]

[ QUOTE ]
LFS,

Great stuff. I gotta decide whether there's anything I can post up here without getting sued, haha. Now it makes me wish I had saved all the hilarious emails I get from random people.

Maybe I'll just add some absurd workplace stories, I have plenty.

[/ QUOTE ]

diablo,
just cover the names!

[Howard Treesong]

Funniest work event for me: our office manager sends an email to all employees. A guy in our mailroom, Cesar, responds, thinking he's responding only to her -- and signs it "Big Brown Cesar, The Lady Pleaser." Of course, it goes to everyone in the entire office.

[Los Feliz Slim]

Somehow my email address has made it onto a website or database for writers to pitch screenplays (although that's not who I represent), so I get ridiculous pitches on a near-daily basis. This one I just got is a doozy:

[ QUOTE ]
THE BIG BANG is a time travel story involving a young Aldebarani combat space pilot using a interstellar submarine to jump into THE BIG BANG to reach the past. What will happen when human lifespan gets expanded to exceed even our wildest dreams? The Aldebaranis and Capitslaves are locked into deadly battles. While exterminating conflict rages between the Young and the Old the radio borne METATRACERS get imbedded into the minds of the meek. This is the story of the conflict that crushes everyone in between in the once peaceful and prosperopus quadrant of the galaxy, indeed, it is THE CYBERTACTICAL time travel adventure that many will follow but few will equal. This is a new-breed film and a new word to go with it --is--CYBERTACTICS. This CYBERTACTICAL time travel adventure is a NEW HIGH CONCEPT that carries the huge potential in virtual games and products. Take a peek into the near future and witness as young and the old play Abraham The Computer, The Alpha and the Omega, the Capitslave generals, Silva the Plane and Barthol the Aldebarani Pilot, the Stooge Priests and Meson Laser Operators or operate the Moon Supercollider Laying Cubs and Tractor Trailers.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Slow Play Ray]

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe I'll just add some absurd workplace stories, I have plenty.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wait, you have a real job? I honestly did not think you did, I thought you just played poker. What do you do?

[Evan]

When I was 16 I worked at the county clerk's office filing legal documents. This one guy who had been convicted of some serious crime would send a letter every week to the judge that had convicted him calling her a "dirty bitch" and "cum guzzling whore" (gg profanity filter). They'd all get sent to us to be put in the case file. Pretty interesting reading.

[CharlieDontSurf]

i should post some of the script query letters i get but don't want to get fired.

[Los Feliz Slim]

[ QUOTE ]
i should post some of the script query letters i get but don't want to get fired.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm going to go scan the mother of all crazy pitches. Back in a jiffy.

[Los Feliz Slim]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
i should post some of the script query letters i get but don't want to get fired.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm going to go scan the mother of all crazy pitches. Back in a jiffy.

[/ QUOTE ]

OK, it's hard to impart the craziness of this thing without holding it in your hands, but you'll get the gist. The package this arrived in is a Christmas-themed padded envelope with stains all over it. Here:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/crazypkgedited.jpg

Our address and the return address on the envelope is typed onto a piece of paper and was then apparently cut out with scissors and taped to the envelope.

Inside the package is the following letter and a couple of sheets with our name and address typed on them in the style of the address on the package. This is apparently a gift for our use. One of the sheets has a big hole in it where the "label" taped on the package was clipped out.

Here's the pitch:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/crazypitchedited.jpg

Again, there's now way I'm communicating how nutty this is, but it's still pretty good.

[CharlieDontSurf]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
i should post some of the script query letters i get but don't want to get fired.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm going to go scan the mother of all crazy pitches. Back in a jiffy.

[/ QUOTE ]

there is a project we are developing that has been one of those expensive hard to make dev hell type projects. It was originally owned by a famous actor who gave the rights to my boss.

So there is this crazy nutjob who is convinced that a:) they are the producer/owner of this movie b:) the project is ready and set to begin shooting and that we are tryign to steal it from them.

The person calls like once or twice every now n then to inform us that it has gotten the greenlight and they have so and so attached to start in the lead roles and all the funding is secured. The original actor who owned the rights has passed away...despite this the nutjob recently tried to convince me that they had just had lunch with said actor and he had approved all of their script changes etc etc.

Its amazing the kind of crap random people come up with and actually try to sell.

[Dominic]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
i should post some of the script query letters i get but don't want to get fired.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm going to go scan the mother of all crazy pitches. Back in a jiffy.

[/ QUOTE ]

OK, it's hard to impart the craziness of this thing without holding it in your hands, but you'll get the gist. The package this arrived in is a Christmas-themed padded envelope with stains all over it. Here:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/crazypkgedited.jpg

Our address and the return address on the envelope is typed onto a piece of paper and was then apparently cut out with scissors and taped to the envelope.

Inside the package is the following letter and a couple of sheets with our name and address typed on them in the style of the address on the package. This is apparently a gift for our use. One of the sheets has a big hole in it where the "label" taped on the package was clipped out.

Here's the pitch:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d37/LosFelizSlim/crazypitchedited.jpg

Again, there's now way I'm communicating how nutty this is, but it's still pretty good.

[/ QUOTE ]


hahahaha...Slim, this is great. You know that low budget horror film I made last year? Well, we filmed it in - you guessed it - Tonopah, Nevada! This place makes Tijuana look like Beverly Hills. Oh, and there's so much cyanide in the ground that it makes visitors (including our whole film crew) very sick. The local populace has apparently grown immune to it.

Great town! /images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Banks2334]

[ QUOTE ]
Absurdity in all its forms is welcome here. I also have some stuff I want to post but can't, like the guy who sent me a headshot along with COLOR copies of his: driver's license, social security card, scuba license, gun permit, and passport picture page (all to prove he had them). Basically, he sent me his entire identity in an envelope.

[/ QUOTE ]
LFS,
I'll be glad to "dispose" of these documents in the proper fashion. Wouldn't want them to fall into the wrong hands.

[TS Clark]

[ QUOTE ]
Somehow my email address has made it onto a website or database for writers to pitch screenplays (although that's not who I represent), so I get ridiculous pitches on a near-daily basis. This one I just got is a doozy:

[ QUOTE ]
THE BIG BANG is a time travel story involving a young Aldebarani combat space pilot using a interstellar submarine to jump into THE BIG BANG to reach the past. What will happen when human lifespan gets expanded to exceed even our wildest dreams? The Aldebaranis and Capitslaves are locked into deadly battles. While exterminating conflict rages between the Young and the Old the radio borne METATRACERS get imbedded into the minds of the meek. This is the story of the conflict that crushes everyone in between in the once peaceful and prosperopus quadrant of the galaxy, indeed, it is THE CYBERTACTICAL time travel adventure that many will follow but few will equal. This is a new-breed film and a new word to go with it --is--CYBERTACTICS. This CYBERTACTICAL time travel adventure is a NEW HIGH CONCEPT that carries the huge potential in virtual games and products. Take a peek into the near future and witness as young and the old play Abraham The Computer, The Alpha and the Omega, the Capitslave generals, Silva the Plane and Barthol the Aldebarani Pilot, the Stooge Priests and Meson Laser Operators or operate the Moon Supercollider Laying Cubs and Tractor Trailers.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

100% pure gold. Stunningly awesome. Thank you for posting this -- it quite possibly made my week.

[Los Feliz Slim]

Dom,

I question the local population's immunity to the poisons in the ground based solely on information I have about Mr. James Miller.

TS,

My colleagues and I have decided that the best part of THE BIG BANG is "many will follow but few will equal". It's like, "Yeah, sure, SOME may equal, but not very many, especially compared to how many will follow, it's really a small number."