Atheists: dating, relationships with non-atheists

[goodsamaritan]

How do you handle the topic of religion if you're dating someone who is not an atheist? I know it's gotta come out eventually, but I generally try to avoid it as long as possible.

Have you developed any good ways of dealing with this? Any good ways of explaining that you're not a nihilistic mosnter because you dont believe in god?

[hmkpoker]

It really depends on how much stock you put into the issue. If religion/being an atheist is important to you, then it's not going to work well. If you're simply not interested in religion and she's only a mild believer, it won't be so bad.

[benjdm]

If they start talking about religion seriously, I don't have a serious relationship with them. My $0.02. There are plenty of apatheists (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apatheist) out there, at least.

[tame_deuces]

Haven't had a problem with that and I'm an fairly strongminded atheist. A little respect for other's belief gets you a long way.

[JMP300z]

Having had two consecutive relationships, one of which i am in right now w/ serious southern baptists bible study going christians...i honestly can say that I havent found the best approach yet.

The first relationship was weird because the girl was from nowhere georgia and had never met a jewish person before (im jewish, but athiest, a point that has been impossible for both girls to comprehend). Religion came up on the first date, after finding out I was jewish (from her friend), she asked me if I believed in jesus. I explained to her my beliefs, or lack of, pleaded that she judge my morality on her own scale and not on that of her churches. I also made clear to her that my life has intrinsic value and that I have my own moral code despite the lack of god. She prayed for my soul and I made sure not to touch food before prayer. I almost went to church with her as a sign of goodwill but was too hungover.

I tried to show her my POV but it was very difficult, she was self admittedly brainwashed. She didnt care if nothing made sense as she claimed it was too much of who she is. I became very confrontational about religion with her but mostly received deflecting answers (usually "I dont know"). In this situation, she had told me from day one she didnt think it would work but I didnt think that I would be the one who brought the relationship down.

Were still friends actually sharing an office at school, we talk about it and agree it wasnt the best approach.

This time around I'm a bit more considerate but still very confrontational. Ive tried to understand her pov, read new testament, mere christianity and blue like jazz. Honestly though, I cant take it seriously, I have a superiority conflict that is born from defense of their hell condemnations (I flat out ask her prob to the point of making her sick if she thinks i deserve eternal punishment)

In the end, I cant shake the opinion that both are delusional in the nicest sense of the word. Me and the current girl are pretty serious now adays and have had talks about how we would like to raise kids etc. I dont think well ever get married or anything, her parents would flip a wig and I would probably freak out at her as the sex disappears and I get older and more easily annoyed.

I guess I kinda ranted for a bit but the point being, it is almost impossible to get them to shake their world view. Its like the guys on this history channel special I watched about WW2 shootouts today, even if theyre whole company died their faith was only strengthened that god somehow wanted them to live (nevermind the others being killed). They may question faith but they do it from a christian standpoint that the only way to find the answers to these questions is to open your heart and believe more deeply.

What will come of dating someone who is non athiest really depends on what you want from the relationship. If they thought you were some nihilistic monster, they wouldnt date you period. If they show up for a second date and you can handle their perceived ignorance, I say go for it, both girls have had a positive impact on my life despite bein a bit irrational (they are female.) and if nothing else, the sex life has been good.

Good luck.

-JP

[evank15]

Never. I don't think it ever could. Well, you never know for sure, but I really don't see it happening in my case.

Good thing for me, I live in an enlightened (read: secular) city with a lot of young free thinkers.

Being in your 20s and religious around here is something you keep secret, something to be ashamed of.

[JMP300z]

[ QUOTE ]
Never. I don't think it ever could. Well, you never know for sure, but I really don't see it happening in my case.

Good thing for me, I live in an enlightened (read: secular) city with a lot of young free thinkers.

Being in your 20s and religious around here is something you keep secret, something to be ashamed of.

[/ QUOTE ]

damn im moving...its exactly the opposite here.

Yesterday in lab I was joking with a classmate about stupid design vs intelligent design in light of some of some physiology thrown into our pharm class and, despite being on the same page, he hushed me in mid conversation as our conversation was too taboo and people were listening.

Should make clear im in dental school in georgia.

-JP

[Phanekim]

Personally I have no problem with moderate christians. The more conservative/evangelical...i tend to have more problems with.

The only girl i ever really ...you can say loved...became a born again after we broke up. That was pretty devastating. It was a double whammy of sorts.

Personally, I am not a confrontational guy. But I do argue back or present my point of view when its been brought upon me. Inevitably, religion issue will come up if not now...later. It always does.

Personally, I think its best to marry one with similar beliefs. Its just too much of a hassle to be with someone who doesn't share your own belief structure.

[Quinn Warren]

I live in a town of about 500,000 people in the middle of the bible belt. Luckily, I found the lone female athiest when I moved here. I think I would have gone mad trying to date a christian.

I refuse to debate religion anymore, as it has revealed itself to be a complete waste of time. No one was able to convince me of the existence of God, and I realised I had no desire to take away someone else's coping mechanism.

I think eventually, one of you is going to have to be swayed.

[benjdm]

Usually, it doesn't get truly nasty until kids are involved. Then you are going to send your kids to hell if you talk to them, so shut the f up. Not healthy.

[soon2bepro]

But I AM a nihilistic monster.

Oh well.

If it's just sex Im interested in, I'll try to aboid the subject or pretend to agree with anything she says. If its a serious relationship I bring it up ASAP and probably end it right there if she's not a skeptic.

[Phil153]

The good thing is that you're right. Just keep remembering that. Being on the the correct side is a noble thing beyond which all else pales.

Respect her feelings. They're very important. Her beliefs, treat like you would a five year old's belief in Santa. You're an adult where she's a child, and adults neither crash the party nor give childish notions too much of their time.

[FortunaMaximus]

Paterfamilias and avuncular tolerance. If you find her attractive and love her...

My girlfriend's into astrology in a big way. She derives a lot of pleasure from it. You don't mind so much, she's quirky and I love that.

Whatever makes the relationship work, you shouldn't stress individual faiths so much. It's not like atheists go around punching theists randomly for being wrong.

[kurto]

I have dated many women with different religious beliefs when I was younger. (I'm an older married fart now)

Religion was never an issue. (though none of them were ever fanatical... I don't think, for instance, a Hassidic Jewish woman would have ever dated me) I think the only real complication comes if you're going to marry the person and have kids... I think it would be important for both people to agree before hand on what you're going to teach the children.

I am an atheist and my wife is what I'll label 'a weak christian.' That is, we were both raised Lutheran, I'm now an atheist and she's bordering on Agnostic but still likes the idea of taking kids to Church. In our discussions I've said when/if we have kids that I won't go to church or pretend to believe, but I don't mind if she wants to expose them. We like the idea of letting them be exposed and choosing for themselves what they believe.

[bocablkr]

Basically, any women that has spent an extended period of time with me becomes either an atheist or an agnostic.

[Jasper109]

[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend's into astrology in a big way. She derives a lot of pleasure from it. You don't mind so much, she's quirky and I love that.

[/ QUOTE ]

So what does she say when you tell her that astrology has no basis in science or reality at all?

How does she explain a person getting hit by a bus on the same day that their horoscope says they will have a great day?

[FortunaMaximus]

I used to make fun of her love of astrology. I don't anymore, because I realized it brought comfort to her to make those connections between horoscopes and life.

And sometimes she needs that comfort, for reasons I'd rather not go into detail here. Suffice it to say my contempt for the males of the species is pretty high.

I love her and her happiness and well-being is paramount to me. If that means I've gotta stifle a grimace and go along when she goes on about astrology, that at least is more fun and easier to take than Scripture.

[Jasper109]

Just bugging you. Been there and done that. Love conquers all.

[Wubbie075]

In most of my relationships it was not an issue at all... usually if it is gonna be an issue it comes up early and things get nipped in the bud right away...

once I was completely in love with a woman and wanted to marry her... she loved me too and tried to understand my point of view but she was unable to "get past" it.. that pretty much sucked...

I have a few groundrules that I explain to every woman (when things reach a point where it goes beyond casual fun/sex/whatever) for whom religion holds a somewhat prominant part of her life about what I will or will not participate in with regard that part of her/our/the kids' lives... there is wiggle room in some areas.. and not in others.. if she can accept these things then the "religion thing" will not be in issue in our relationship...

an atheist friend of mine married a greek orthodox woman... she is not ultra devout and it has not been an issue for them (they have 2 kids)... even her parents eventually got used to the idea... ultimately, it wasn't an issue because neither of them made it an issue...

[AlexM]

[ QUOTE ]
she asked me if I believed in jesus.

[/ QUOTE ]

As soon as a girl asks me this question, it's over.

[AlexM]

[ QUOTE ]
The good thing is that you're right.

[/ QUOTE ]

Gotta love the open-mindedness of your average atheist. It rivals that of your average religious zealot.

[ QUOTE ]
Respect her feelings. They're very important. Her beliefs, treat like you would a five year old's belief in Santa. You're an adult where she's a child, and adults neither crash the party nor give childish notions too much of their time.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you actually believe that you're an adult and she's like a child, you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship and should remove yourself from it immediately.

[FortunaMaximus]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
she asked me if I believed in jesus.

[/ QUOTE ]

As soon as a girl asks me this question, it's over.

[/ QUOTE ]

No, no... You're supposed to spread your arms and say, "Baby, nail me."

[luckyme]

[ QUOTE ]
I am an atheist and my wife is what I'll label 'a weak christian.' That is, we were both raised Lutheran, I'm now an atheist and she's bordering on Agnostic but still likes the idea of taking kids to Church. In our discussions I've said when/if we have kids that I won't go to church or pretend to believe, but I don't mind if she wants to expose them. We like the idea of letting them be exposed and choosing for themselves what they believe.

[/ QUOTE ]

We go along with the 'it's there choice' and try not to bias it too much, but was just wondering if you have figured how to fairly expose them to more that two worldviews. Islam, Jewish, buddhist , that sort of thing?

We downplayed the area until they were in their teens and then discuss what they want to discuss in any spirituality/religion tangent they ran into. Exposing them too young seemed unfair.

luckyme

[Guyon]

This relationship didn't work out so well http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/images/1012/1012_pillow_talk.jpg

[Hopey]

My wife claims to believe in "god", but doesn't go to church, pray, or do anything else religion-wise that I would find pointless and annoying. This state of affairs has worked well for us so far.

[madnak]

[ QUOTE ]
If you actually believe that you're an adult and she's like a child, you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship and should remove yourself from it immediately.

[/ QUOTE ]

Pfft. It may not be your cup o' tea, but if it knocks his rocket then "Daddy, spank me!"

[ojc02]

Yeah, I really don't understand how those relationships can work. It's almost as difficult as a Yankees fan dating a Red Sox fan - now *that* is weird.

[FortunaMaximus]

[ QUOTE ]
Yeah, I really don't understand how those relationships can work. It's almost as difficult as a Yankees fan dating a Red Sox fan - now *that* is weird.

[/ QUOTE ]

Why? Some people are attracted to explosive relationships, heightened passions and all that crap. I'd wager their kids are generally born in July. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[siegfriedandroy]

would it not be more pragmatic to feign belief in god? what good is honesty here?

[siegfriedandroy]

[ QUOTE ]
Basically, any women that has spent an extended period of time with me becomes either an atheist or an agnostic.

[/ QUOTE ]

this saddens me much

[siegfriedandroy]

you are progressive, probably far more enlightened than Luther himself

[evank15]

After the bar tonight, we went by the local pizza place for some cheap post-boozing pizza. I was sitting chowing down when I started chatting up this decent looking girl. I get talkative when I'm drunk, so when I saw these three guys walk in ALL wearing crucifixes around their necks (very odd occurance, I don't know anybody who would wear something like that and I rarely if ever see it around school/town). But anyways, so I comment to this girl, "why the [censored] would you wear a [censored] cross around your neck? you might as well be holding up a neon sign that says "i'm a [censored] moron". Apparently, I picked on the one christian girl in the whole city to say this to, and she grabbed my remaining slice of pizza and threw it on the floor, called me whatever expletives and stormed out the door. LOL.

So ya, needless to say I could never date a theist LOL.

[siegfriedandroy]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am an atheist and my wife is what I'll label 'a weak christian.' That is, we were both raised Lutheran, I'm now an atheist and she's bordering on Agnostic but still likes the idea of taking kids to Church. In our discussions I've said when/if we have kids that I won't go to church or pretend to believe, but I don't mind if she wants to expose them. We like the idea of letting them be exposed and choosing for themselves what they believe.

[/ QUOTE ]

We go along with the 'it's THEIR choice' and try not to bias it too much, but was just wondering if you have figured how to fairly expose them to more that two worldviews. Islam, Jewish, buddhist , that sort of thing?

We downplayed the area until they were in their teens and then discuss what they want to discuss in any spirituality/religion tangent they ran into. Exposing them too young seemed unfair.

luckyme

[/ QUOTE ]

IMHO, ITS LIKELY BEST TO EXPOSE THEM TO AT LEAST THREE WORLDVIEWS. BUT YES, IT IS WRONG TO MENTION 'RELIGION' WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG (DEFINITELY 'UNFAIR'). ONE DAY, THOUGH, IM SURE, THEY WILL KNOW 'TRUTH' JUST AS YOU DO NOW. YOU ARE LIKELY A 'good' PERSON.

seriously, just bring your kids to a good library, let them read what they will, and pray they don't become atheistic (and incapable of truly condemning hitler/bin laden) and mind-washed.

[GoblinMason (Craig)]

[ QUOTE ]

After the bar tonight, we went by the local pizza place for some cheap post-boozing pizza. I was sitting chowing down when I started chatting up this decent looking girl. I get talkative when I'm drunk, so when I saw these three guys walk in ALL wearing crucifixes around their necks (very odd occurance, I don't know anybody who would wear something like that and I rarely if ever see it around school/town). But anyways, so I comment to this girl, "why the [censored] would you wear a [censored] cross around your neck? you might as well be holding up a neon sign that says "i'm a [censored] moron". Apparently, I picked on the one christian girl in the whole city to say this to, and she grabbed my remaining slice of pizza and threw it on the floor, called me whatever expletives and stormed out the door. LOL.

[/ QUOTE ]

Lol i loved this story. It's definitely something I would do when I'm drunk. Actually, I almost got into it with some girl the other night, but luckily my friend shut me up.

I could never be in a potential long term relationship with someone that is religeous though.

-Craig

[MaxWeiss]

[ QUOTE ]
Gotta love the open-mindedness of your average atheist. It rivals that of your average religious zealot.

[/ QUOTE ]

Except we are more likely to be right than any religious person.

Although I do make the leap that being right is in some way connected to intelligence, since people who are right more often than others will be more intelligent than others. And I make make the claim that the reverse is true. I make that claim, because in all matters (religion too???) those claims have a statistically significant trend of being true, though it is not necessarily so on an individual level.

So with that premise, I simply state that any set of multiple double blind objective tests can be given and atheists will given a large sample size, prove to be more intelligent than theists. This has been done, and I know I'm an ass for not putting the link to the MANY tests which have concluded this, but it's late and I'm tired.

We are, in fact and by objective measure, right.

Next question.

[FortunaMaximus]

Dude, the coin doesn't have an edge. What would you do if you were proven wrong?

[MaxWeiss]

I always end up facing the brick wall of "you can't understand until you accept" blah blah blah. I don't know how to get past it because it's a barrier to discourse and to in any way opening up the mind. And I always hit it, even when I try to go around the side and sneak around around back.

[MaxWeiss]

Happily admit it. But I need evidence to support it in order to really believe that it might be true. I make my claims, and even the initial claim of intelligence and rightness, because they are based on multiple objective analysis which conclude as much. If I am wrong on a given subject, I don't really care. I am wrong about many things. But my WAY of thinking about things leads me to be correct more often, on average.

[Speedlimits]

[ QUOTE ]
I used to make fun of her love of astrology. I don't anymore, because I realized it brought comfort to her to make those connections between horoscopes and life.

And sometimes she needs that comfort, for reasons I'd rather not go into detail here. Suffice it to say my contempt for the males of the species is pretty high.

I love her and her happiness and well-being is paramount to me. If that means I've gotta stifle a grimace and go along when she goes on about astrology, that at least is more fun and easier to take than Scripture.

[/ QUOTE ]

Love isn't enough.

[FortunaMaximus]

[ QUOTE ]
Happily admit it. But I need evidence to support it in order to really believe that it might be true. I make my claims, and even the initial claim of intelligence and rightness, because they are based on multiple objective analysis which conclude as much. If I am wrong on a given subject, I don't really care. I am wrong about many things. But my WAY of thinking about things leads me to be correct more often, on average.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well, of course, but it seems some traits of atheism closes lines of inquiry into theortical possibilities where the question of ultimate observers are concerned. I seem to have fixed that loop somewhat. The trouble is, of course, it doesn't disallow the existence of an Omega civilization. And to me, that's basically the same thing. Monotheism, like many other things unique to humanity, is simply at its core, primal logic. Alpha male and all that jazz. Boring.

[FortunaMaximus]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I used to make fun of her love of astrology. I don't anymore, because I realized it brought comfort to her to make those connections between horoscopes and life.

And sometimes she needs that comfort, for reasons I'd rather not go into detail here. Suffice it to say my contempt for the males of the species is pretty high.

I love her and her happiness and well-being is paramount to me. If that means I've gotta stifle a grimace and go along when she goes on about astrology, that at least is more fun and easier to take than Scripture.

[/ QUOTE ]

Love isn't enough.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe not for you. I'm well capable of recreating entire civilizations when and if it comes down to that. Prove me wrong.

Edit: Sigh. I hate English. So temporally retarded.

[Speedlimits]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I used to make fun of her love of astrology. I don't anymore, because I realized it brought comfort to her to make those connections between horoscopes and life.

And sometimes she needs that comfort, for reasons I'd rather not go into detail here. Suffice it to say my contempt for the males of the species is pretty high.

I love her and her happiness and well-being is paramount to me. If that means I've gotta stifle a grimace and go along when she goes on about astrology, that at least is more fun and easier to take than Scripture.

[/ QUOTE ]

Love isn't enough.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe not for you. I'm well capable of recreating entire civilizations when and if it comes down to that. Prove me wrong.

Edit: Sigh. I hate English. So temporally retarded.

[/ QUOTE ]

Love satisfies your emotional needs not your intellectual.

[FortunaMaximus]

I don't distinguish between the two. There isn't one without the other.

[Speedlimits]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't distinguish between the two. There isn't one without the other.

[/ QUOTE ]

You don't distinguish between emotion and intellect?

Just because they are cyclical does not mean they are synonymous. You are oversimplifying these two concepts. Emotion has a way of doing that when it overcomes logic.

[gull]

I don't mind people believing in God, but I do mind people belieiving in intelligent design or a young Earth.